Burn book ‘so fetch,’ says nobody
A burn book was discovered in Scholes Hall last week by the UNM administration, which is now investigating the claims made in it.
Copies of the book were later distributed across campus, which caused outrage and animal-world behavior. One librarian in Zimmerman Library was quoted saying, “They’ve gone wild. The girls have gone wild.”
The burn book is a collection of pictures of UNM faculty, staff, and students with comments written next to them.
Some of the victims included ex-basketball coach Steve Alford who was described as “the nastiest skank bitch I have ever met,” and UNM President Bob Frank who was described simply as a “fat whore.”
The authors of this book are still unknown and an investigation is underway. The main suspects are members of the Board of Regents. When reached for a comment Student Regent Heidi Overton said she could not speak without a parent or lawyer present.
Jack Fortner, president of the Board of Regents, found the book in the bathroom and was called a “fugly slut,” inside. Fortner said, “Why would someone write that? It’s just so mean.”
ASUNM President Caroline Muraida was also questioned regarding the burn book because she was one of the only students not in it. At first she thought it was funny, and then defended herself by saying, “Maybe I’m not in that book because everyone likes me. And I don’t want to be punished for being well liked. And I don’t think my father, the inventor of toaster strudel, would be too pleased to hear about this.”
Later that day, photocopies of the book’s pages were distributed throughout campus. Some were even chalked onto walls, which is illegal.
It is still unclear if the information in his book is gossip or has truth behind it. Junior Amanda Jalbert was alarmed to see what the book said about her. “Made out with a hot dog? That was one time!”
UNM administrators held an emergency meeting to discuss what actions would be taken as a result of the book. One plan was to cancel the ASUNM elections, but then they remembered that they already paid for the DJ and realized that no one actually cares about the Senate, so that idea was scratched.
An “attitude makeover,” has been scheduled so that the UNM administration can change the way it relates to students and students relate to one another. UNM Director of Communications Dianne Anderson, who scheduled the makeover, said, “I don’t care how long it takes. I will keep you here all semester.”
University guidelines stipulate that the University doesn’t have a legal right to do that so instead they held a session where administrators, regents, and affected students discussed their problems with one another.
When asked if anyone had ever felt personally victimized by the Board of Regents, most in attendance raised their hands.
There was some progress made with this therapy, however. One student said, “I just wish we could all get along like we used to in middle school.” The Daily Libel later discovered that this student is from NMSU and doesn’t even go here.
The burn book has been destroyed and Student Health and Counseling is offering therapy to those who were affected by it.