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Sunday, December 21, 2014

The Libel is liberal: keep it on the DL

We at the Daily Libel would like to begin by apologizing to our loyal readers who have put up with us for so long. Our sorry attempts at “revealing the truth” and sticking to “objective journalistic values” are blights on the face of this school and an insult to the intelligence of our readers.

Here is the last bit of “news” we will be reporting: On the eve of its 4,124th birthday, journalism died after media conglomerate Bombast® ate it. Journalists all over are crying bitter tears as they re-work their résumés to suit a public relations employer. As we’re always trying to be progressive, we at the Daily Libel are celebrating this news, or death thereof, as it gives us the chance to cut the crap and show the public who we really are. Of course, our readers have been hot on the case from the very beginning, encouraging us to just come out of the shadows as the leftist rag we truly are.

And, honestly, objective writing is just too difficult. We slave away slinging blatant bullshit and finding quotes we can take out of context so they fit our agenda, but for real, who’s buying it?

The death of journalism is our official green light to write blatant lies and propaganda without hiding behind the shield of “professionalism.”

We are taking this opportunity to reveal everything we’ve been up to so we can start with the cleanest slate upon which we’ll sling the dirtiest mud a desert has to offer.

These are our confessions:

The UNM administration is actually a family of marionettes we created to make us look better by comparison.

There are a handful of repeat offenders on our comment boards who suspiciously have nothing else to do but troll our website and write blocky essays that make little sense. Instead of editing her reporters’ tall tales, Editor-in-Chief Lizard “Lame Duck” Fleary spends her days writing nonsense on behalf of these phony users. Again, compared to this flimflam, our sham stories become more-or-less convincing.

There is no Dan Cathy of Chick-fil-A. In fact, the Daily Libel owns the Chick-fil-A in the SUB. We used revenue from the restaurant to pay other news outlets to report about how the restaurant is offensive to the LGBTQ community. This in turn generated opinion and “news” content for our paper (we were running out of ideas) and brought more students to the restaurant to show their support.

Although we claim to receive no opinion content from right-leaning individuals, we actually have quite a stack built up which we use for rolling papers on a daily basis. We also have a nice cache of Republicans locked in the secret tunnel beneath UNM, waiting to be baked upon the pyre of their offensive letters that dare to disagree with our agenda.