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Friday, November 28, 2014

#RelationshipStatus: Date, date, goose!

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@JoshuaDolin

There are some things in life that are very hard to get. A passing grade in calculus, a hot body and discounted Lululemon are just a few, but one of the hardest things to get can be a second date.

I have lots of first dates, but I never find the boys very interesting, so they hardly ever advance past that. That was until I swiped right and matched with Luke on Tinder a few weeks ago.

Luke is an attractive sophomore studying architecture who just transferred to UNM this semester. So of course my first reaction was, “Watch out, please, fresh meat coming through.”

The main problem with Tinder, however, is that the first dates are always awkward. There are always coffee dates and there is that awkward moment where you see each other and then shake hands and talk for an hour before faking an excuse to leave.

I have tried to mix it up by meeting boys at parties, frozen yogurt places and restaurants, but it’s always uncomfortable. So this time I decided to take Luke to a women’s rugby game.

If there is one thing that breaks the ice on a first date, it’s watching aggressive women beat the shit out of each other on Johnson Field.

Our date went well and we texted a few days after which was when I invited him to come over to my apartment to watch movies.

“Preparing for a date is like preparing for war,” I said to Maggie while I quickly tried to hide all of my stuffed animals. “I manscaped for the first time in weeks today and I just sprayed cologne in places one should never have cologne.”

And then once we have waxed, shaved and hidden embarrassing items, there comes the awkwardness of who is going to make the first move on the date.

As Luke and I watched movies we slowly inched closer and closer until I decided “YOLO,” and held his hand. After that, we cuddled and then started making out.

“For me, dating Eric has been a good thing and a bad thing,” Ashley said. “I mean it’s great to have a man to cuddle with and spend time with, but on the other hand this means I have to shave everywhere and spend more time on makeup.”

I decided that the scales of dating, similar to the scales of justice, weighed more heavily to spending the night with Luke. So we moved to my bedroom, but then there comes the topic of sex.

“It’s just so confusing!” I said to Ashley the following day at the gym. “If I don’t offer sex and he wants it, then maybe he will just stop talking to me. But if I offer sex and he doesn’t want it, he might think I’m some kind of slut.”

Luke and I decided not to have sex so we just had a sleepover and he left the following morning. I like Luke, but I just decided that there was no point in sleeping with someone if I wasn’t even sure if I really liked him.

Collette was having a very different evening. She decided that the scales of dating weighed more heavily towards a bottle of wine and House of Cards than a man. She texted me later the next day and said, “My 13 year-old sister is out on another date. She has literally dated more than me. SOS.”

Unlike Collette, Ashley was having the opposite problem. After becoming exclusive with Eric, she learned that he liked doing one thing more than she did: sex.

“Usually I just tell guys that I am a virgin and they hit the road,” Ashley said. “But Eric said that he was OK with that and just wanted to spend time with me. The only problem is that he wants to fool around every single night.”

It’s funny because we have spent all semester talking about how we replace our need for men with cupcakes, but then once we find a man, we don’t even want them.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love men just as much as the next girl or gay boy,” I said to Ashley.

“But there is such a thing as just too much dick.”

“Eric wants to do something once per day and I only want something like once per month,” Ashley said. “Eric will always drop hints when we are laying in bed like, ‘So do you want to do something for me?’ And it’s just like honestly, no I don’t. Dicks are smelly and gross and I will only put them in my mouth if I care about a guy.”

Ashley has also encountered another awkward problem with Eric — he is very upfront with what he wants from her.

“The last time I saw him he asked me if I could shave before he sees me again,” Ashley said.

Why do guys think that they can ask girls to change their bodies after only a few weeks of dating? Who actually has the nerve to say that?

“I didn’t know what to say to him,” Ashley said. “It’s not like I ask him to grow a bigger dick before I see him again.”

It’s exactly men like that that have made Maggie’s scales of dating lean more towards Netflix and vodka.

“I just don’t want to date anyone anymore,” Maggie said. “I’m over it. Just thinking about having to see the same person everyday sounds awful… no wonder I’m so alone.”

My friend Alice is the only person who is content with her relationship with Bill. Is she an example to the rest of us? Or do we all secretly resent people like her since she has made it work and we can’t?

Aurora’s scales of dating actually lean more towards herself and law school than anything else.

“Jason texted me again and asked to hang out,” Aurora told me last week. “I told him I was busy.”

Since he only used her for sex in the past, Aurora finally learned she was better off without him. Girl power!

Is Aurora the best example for all of us to follow then? Should we put men on a scale of dating and decide if cuddling with them is worth waxing and hiding stuffed animals?

Dating can be fun, but let’s be honest, it’s mostly awkward. This semester alone I have gone through so many new guys looking for prince charming, but only ending up with uncomfortable dates. My advice is to take a chance on your Tinder matches and plan a unique way to meet them. Don’t change yourself for a man right away and don’t sleep with someone you don’t have strong feelings for.

When we date, we weigh everything on a scale. On one side the guy is hot, intelligent and funny, but on the other side he might ask us to shave, perform sexual favors or hide our favorite stuffies.

So when you are dating men you have to decide — do your feelings for them outweigh your love for yourself on the #ScalesOfDating?

Current Relationship Statuses:
Josh: In love with the bakery guy at Whole Foods… and the cakes he makes
Ashley: Johnson Gym
Alice: Counting down the days until she sees Bill…and me!
Collette: Sending out an SOS
Aurora: Resisting temptation to get Tinder
Maggie: Merlot is the only man she wants to see daily

#RelationshipStatus
#ScalesOfDating

Facebook.com/RelationshipStatusUNM