Recently I have begun to notice the alarming proliferation of a number of life-sized, bronze statues of wolves, all around campus — near the Duck Pond, Zimmerman Library, and elsewhere — and I am alarmed at how I fear this might affect the safety of our school.
In particular, my concern is that students and faculty may grow accustomed to the silhouettes of realistic wolves loping about campus, let down their guards and fall victim to the depredations of real wolves, when real wolves approach them and then people assume these dangerous animals are just mere statues.
Statistics are not immediately available concerning the numbers of on-campus wolf attacks, but I assume that because our sports teams are named the Lobos that the campus was once lousy with these wild and shaggy beasts, and that it is only through constant vigilance that we have been able to keep them away and keep ourselves and our children — let us not forget the children — safe.
Please join me in calling for the removal of these dangerous statues. Let us melt them all down and make a giant statue of a friendly friend, waving. Not a life-sized statue, because that might trick people into thinking it is a real waving friend and then they would be sad when they approached it and realized it was just a statue, but a giant statue towering over campus that is the biggest thing in all of Albuquerque.
Because of it, Albuquerque will become known as Albuquerque: The Waving Friend City, and UNM’s enrollment rates will skyrocket as people will move here to be nearer to the statue and far away from the dangerous wolves of their homelands.
“Here, you are safe from wolves,” the brochures will read, and then, twice a year, we will all meet in the center of Smith Plaza to dance happily around a maypole, flowers in our hair, the sun on our flowing robes, our every heart free of lupine fear.
This is my prayer. This is my wish. This is my hope for the future.