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Friday, November 28, 2014

#RelationshipStatus: Let's talk about sex (if we have to)

36
 

@JoshuaDolin

“Eric broke up with you because you wouldn’t give him a blowjob?” I asked Ashley a few days ago in the gym.

“He said that I couldn’t satisfy him physically and that he would just end up cheating on me if those needs were not met,” Ashley said. “So we broke up because I didn’t want to give him oral sex multiple times per week.”

Is this what dating has come to? Are these our options with men: oral sex or GTFO?

Ashley is waiting for marriage to have sex, and she is proud of that. She believes the act is special and wants to save that commitment for the man of her dreams.

“I’m sorry,” I said to Ashley. “At least Eric was honest with you, but I just can’t believe oral sex is that important to a guy.”

I write about the many problems that we encounter with our dating ventures, but rarely do I discuss what happens once we actually get in bed with a man. The truth is that going out on dates and passionately making out with men is only half the story.

Maggie learned that lesson this week when she was approached by her friend with a proposal.

“Well she told me that one of her friends is really interested in me,” Maggie said in my bed one night. “But he is moving soon so it’s basically like a hookup before he leaves.”

“Do you think you are going to do it?” I asked.

“I don’t want to hook up with a guy who is friends with my friends,” she responded. “What if he tells people what our sex was like? It could be anything — ‘She has too much pubic hair, too little pubic hair, too much tongue, too little tongue, her mouth is too small, she just lays there, etc.’”

Maggie brought up an excellent point. Getting naked and exposing ourselves to men can be one of the most difficult parts of dating. It represents trust, admiration and commitment, but what if they don’t reciprocate these feelings? And why does it seem like so many guys put pressure on girls to have sex with them?

“The last time I was at a party this guy kept taking my hand and moving it closer to his penis,” Maggie said. “So finally I told him that if he tried it again, I was going to rip his dick off.”

Unlike Ashley, however, Maggie is willing to have sex; her confidence is her only hindrance.

“If I was hot I would be a big slut,” Maggie said sarcastically. “I would hand out blowjobs and hand jobs like they were trick-or-treat candy.”

One thing I have noticed this semester is that there is something attractive about men who date a lot. Maybe it’s their confidence or maybe it’s their impressive portfolio of past lovers, but it leaves me wondering — can I be like them? Or do I even want to be like them?

“That’s the age old question, isn’t it?” I said to Maggie. “Are you a slut because you’re hot, or hot because you’re a slut?”

Similar to my friends, I also had an awkward sexual encounter this week. From time to time I like to take a break from my Disney movies and Whole Foods cupcakes to actually entertain gentlemen at my apartment.

The most recent man in my life is Harry. Harry is a cute law student who has a passion for art, civil rights and the inside of my pants.

“Well I invited Harry to come over for some wine,” I said to my friends the following morning. “He said he was diabetic, but I didn’t think anything of it. One thing led to another and before long we were making out in my bed. Things started to get pretty hot and that’s when he said ‘I think I need to get some milk and cookies.’”

“What does that mean?” Collette asked.

“I didn’t know! But I thought it was some kind of euphemism for condoms and lube. So I responded: ‘I am not going to have sex with you.’”

It turns out that his blood sugar levels were low and he actually needed real milk and real cookies. So needless to say he will most likely not be returning.

Why did I feel like I had to be so defensive about sex? Is it because I’m just immature, or are we so used to men like Eric that only use us for blowjobs that we expect the worst from men?

Or maybe it’s just because the idea of having sex with someone new is still scary for me. Obviously I have sex, but until I have strong feelings for a man, I just like to avoid that topic. Am I weird for wanting to develop feelings for a man before I put their body parts in my mouth?

I secretly admire the people that can date lots of people and sexually experiment. Sometimes I feel like I am missing out because I tell guys upfront that I will not sleep with them right away.

Instead, Aurora and I both like to have what we call “make-out sex,” which is where you passionately make out with a man, but never actually have sex.

“What kind of awkward sex have you been having?” I asked Collette last weekend.

“None, I don’t have any sex, remember?” she responded.

Why has it been hard for my friends and I to find men that want more from us than sex? And why do we feel like we have to immediately stop any guy who makes a move on us?

Maybe it’s because I dream about Disney movies where the first date subsequently turns into a marriage proposal, or maybe it’s because the idea of being intimate with a new person terrifies me.

Is there something to be gained from having sex with someone new? Once the orgasm fades, will the other person still care about you? And is there something wrong with me if I want to wait a few dates before sleeping with someone or if Ashley wants to wait to have sex until marriage?

Sex brings people closer together, it allows people to share intimacy and it’s just a lot of fun. But it can also be dangerous both physically and emotionally. I like it too much to wait for marriage, but does that mean I have to sleep with someone on the first few dates or else they will move on? Does Ashley have to give blowjobs in order to keep her boyfriend? And when it comes to sex can we just #DontAndSayWeDid?