by Josh Dolin
If you are a Tinder user (or have a very rude boyfriend,) you have probably received this exact message at least once: “Wanna fuck.”
“Isn’t it the best pick-up line you have ever heard?” Collette said one night after she received yet another one of these messages.
“I just wish they would at least use proper grammar and punctuation,” I responded. “Is it so much to ask for a question mark in your proposal to use me for sex?”
Sidenote: Using proper grammar and punctuation can be the most attractive thing about someone. Please use it.
Collette, Ashley, Maggie and I have been getting this same message so often that we are kind of just getting tired of Tinder. Especially after I matched with Kevin last week.
He was attractive, within 10 miles of me and the same age as me. This is known as the perfect trifecta in online dating.
After we messaged for a few hours he sent me the same impolite message asking to have sex.
“What do these guys think we want from them?” I asked Ashley. “Do they think that we just lay in bed all day and hope that some guy will come over to sleep with us and then leave?”
I decided for research purposes it was worth seeing where this went with Kevin so I responded and asked him what his plans for the night were.
“You will not believe what he said back to me,” I said to all of my friends that night. “He asked if I would be interested in having a threesome with him and his boyfriend!”
“What?” Ashley said. “See the thing I don’t like about threesomes is there is no intimacy. It should be something special with just one other person.”
What really frosted my cookies about the whole thing was the next part of Kevin’s proposal.
“Then he asked me to send him completely naked pictures so that he and his boyfriend could make sure I was what they are looking for,” I told the girls. “It’s like they think I’m applying to sleep with them. Do people in relationships really think single people are so desperate that we will sleep with anyone who offers?”
“I really think they do,” Ashley said. “I think that they look down on us because we are alone and they just assume that we will take anything we can get.”
“Last week on Tinder a guy asked me if I would sleep with him,” Maggie said. “I told him no. So then he said: ‘Please?’”
“Well at least he asked nicely,” I said.
When I asked him what his boyfriend looks like, he told me that I had already matched and been chatting with his boyfriend. They were both on Tinder. I had been Tinder tag-teamed!
Then he asked me to send him the pictures to his email address. Who does that? Should I fax him a dirty message as well, and then page him on his beeper?
“So did you do the threesome?” Aurora asked.
“No, of course not!” I said.
“Sorry, I had to ask,” she responded.
But he is in a fraternity and collegiate student government, so should I have expected anything better? We were star-crossed lovers from the beginning.
I just like to think that I am worth more than being a sex-toy for couples to use and then move on.
“I gave up eating carbs for men,” I said to Ashley. “All I’m asking for is something decent in return!”
“The problem is that all men are assholes,” Ashley said. “Whether they are gay or straight, all they care about is having sex. And I know that I deserve better than that.”
So that night I evaluated my current relationship status: only good enough for a threesome, pending final review of a naked selfie. This, ladies and gentlemen, is relationship rock bottom.
I think the part that hurts most is that for just a second, I actually thought about doing it.
I thought about the last time I had sex and truly wondered if this was as good as it was going to get for me. Maybe I won’t be one of those people that have fairy tale endings. Maybe I will just have threesomes with people from Tinder.
“I wonder if that line actually works on some girls?” Collette asked. “What has this world come to?”
“I mean it must work on some people, right?” I said. “I guess if someone agrees to it, they just meet, shake hands, have sex and leave.”
Collette said that she would absolutely never have a threesome, and neither would Ashley.
However I have to wonder, in our modern dating world, are we the weird ones for not having casual sex or threesomes with people from Tinder?
Is asking for a few dates before sex the new abstinence?
Collette has come up with a creative way to answer questions from boys like Kevin.
The last time a guy asked her what she was looking for she responded by saying: “Chinese food.”
The rest of us just ignore those boys and move on. The challenge is finding out which guys just want sex from Tinder and which ones are actually normal.
Maggie does not plan on having a threesome, but she is open to it.
“I would just get jealous the whole time and feel bad for the other girl,” Maggie said. “Because obviously that means that she is not good enough for her boyfriend.”
Alice has not only been asked to have a threesome, but also a foursome.
“I get asked to have threesomes all the time,” she said. “But guys always want it to be two girls and them, and I don’t want to have to outshine some other girl. Being asked to do a threesome is just humiliating because it makes me feel like I am not good enough for the person and they need something more exciting. That’s why I love Bill. I know he has enough love and respect for me to never want to have a threesome.”
It seems like relationships and sex are no longer just ‘you and me.’ At some point we have probably all been asked to have sex with someone we don’t know or to join in a threesome. So are we the crazy ones for not wanting to humiliate ourselves and be used and discarded? Or should we just say YOLO and do it anyway?
Is a threesome my only chance for sex with someone else? And in a world filled with threesomes, is it asking for too much to just have a #Twosome?
Current Relationship Statuses:
Josh: Voting for ASUNM (Just kidding!)
Ashley: Talking to Eric again
Alice: Seeing Bill this week
Collette: 43 days until graduation
Aurora: Flirtationship continued with secret lover
Maggie: Twosome with Netflix
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