April Fools Day Special: Spider-Man — Friend or foe to UNM campus?!
The Spider-Man visited the Duke City to help put an end to a marauding gang on campus.
The obtuse gang of mathletes had become an acute problem on campus, a UNMPD office said. Members were reported to have been telling other students to go cosine themselves. The gang most recently had beaten a group of biology majors to within a faction of their lives.
Spider-Man found the gang near the Duck Pond on Monday night, where they were attempting to put a hypotenuse around Lobo Louie.
Spider-Man would not comment on the incident, but referred the Daily Lobo to Peter Parker, a junior physics major, who witnessed the event.
“It was just incredible to see Spider-Man in action. He’s pretty Amazing,” Parker said.
When Spider-Man stepped out of the shadows the gang stopped their tomfoolery and focused on the masked hero, Parker said.
“It was spectacular,” he said. “The air went still, the fountain stopped fountaining, even the streetlights focused on Spidey.”
The gang members ran toward the intersection of Yale Boulevard and Redondo Drive, but Spider-Man caught up to them a dozen feet away from the bus stop, Parker said.
“He just came out of nowhere, right in front of them and said ‘I need to see your hall pass, kiddies.’ That guy is Sensational. He just cracks me up with his wit,” he said.
The gang members rushed Spider-Man, but he handled them easily, said Parker.
The fight was short, Parker said.
Spider-Man stood in front of a pile of unconscious nerds, until only one stood.
The final mathlete, identified by Parker and the UNMPD police report was senior math major Carmine Denominator.
Denominator landed a punch to Spider-Man’s jaw before running between two buildings, Parker said.
“He said ‘You can kiss my asymptote, mother function,’ and then took a swing,” Parker said.
“I can’t blame the guy for running, Spider-Man is truly Superior. I wouldn’t want to fight him one-on-one either.”
Spider-Man chased the lone mathlete into a darkened building and into a small office, Parker said.
The overhead light flicked on and Spider-Man found himself face-to-face with the gang’s leader – Deadpool, Parker said.
Spider-Man shoved the Merc with the Mouth against a wall as Deadpool tried to explain that it was only a joke, Parker said.
At that point, Spiderman—
UGH. This is so boring! You reporters just blather on and on and on.
Stop it, Deadpool. I need to finish this article.
Nope, sorry, I’m taking over and yoooou can’t stooooop meeeee!
Look folks, here’s what really happened. I was SUPPOSED to beat Spider-Man, but then Ms. Brant was all like ‘Nooooo, think of the children!’ then suddenly it’s just all a big joke! Well, too bad! I’m writing this now! I totally kicked Spider-Man’s butt! Sure, he got in a good shot or two, and yes, he did have me arrested, but I still won because I totally made that guy chase me around!
Deadpool, I will buy you chimichangas if you shut up.
You’re still here? I told you to go away.
Free food, Deadpool. All for you. We can go in 200 words.
The apprehended members will face a disciplinary board concerning their behavior, and could face expulsion, the spokesperson said.
Some students have expressed dismay that Spider-Man didn’t handle the gang himself.
Mary Jane Watson, a junior psychology major, said she thinks it would have sent a clear message to other campus gangs about crime.
“I just think that if these gangs knew Spider-Man was here, they would stop acting out,” she said.
Other students were upset that Spider-Man was treated like a hero.
Harry Osborn, a junior English major, said he was angry that UNMPD did not detain Spider-Man when they saw him.
“They’re worried about a bunch of math nerds? Why aren’t they worrying about that killer,” he said.
J. Jonah Jameson, the editor-in-chief of New York City’s The Daily Bugle said he’s glad Spider-Man is no longer menacing his city and hopes citizens of Albuquerque take the threat of the masked vigilante more seriously.
“That guy is a menace to everything America stands for! He’s a criminal and should be brought to justice,” he said.
UNMPD said they have no plans to arrest Spider-Man and hope they can worked out a formal arraignment similar to the one Gotham City Police have with a masked hero there.