Here it is — Halloween. When the first crisp of winter rides on the breeze alongside smells of campfire smoke. Whether it’s through petty vandalism, candy accumulation or the destruction of brain cells, everyone celebrates differently.
But there is one constant: Everybody wants to dress up and, in doing so, make a statement of some kind, whether it’s scary, funny or controversial.
Sometimes, costumes go too far, and this is one of those lists.
To be clear, these are costume statements you don’t want to make, unless you want a black eye or a Snickers bar full of razor blades.
Here is a list of 2016’s top five most offensive costumes for those of you looking to be “that guy” — and by “that guy,” I mean the one who doesn’t get invited to any more Halloween parties.
Editor’s note: the Daily Lobo and its staff are not responsible for any offense caused by these costumes.
1. Zombie Harambe
Offensive meter: 6, or heated arguments with impassioned tree huggers
Everyone knows the story of poor Harambe, and although countless memes have sprouted in his absence, I think more can be done. So, in walks the limitless opportunities of Halloween and, with it, Zombie Harambe or “Zambe Harombie.”
Zombie Harambe evokes the undead silverback gorilla as he stalks the Earth, hunting those who mistook his kindness toward that child for weakness along with the bros who expose their genitalia in his honor.
Put on a Gorilla suit, add some fake blood and, if you have a talented makeup artist acquaintance, a grisly gunshot wound to the head. Hang a sign around your neck that says, “put your dicks away, I’m back.” Add a walking stick which has the skulls of antsy zoo staff tied in a rope to the top, and you’re golden.
2. #NoLivesMatter activist
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Offensive meter: 8, or a fat lip and party expulsion
There has been no shortage of #_____LivesMatter groups petitioning their own cause in the last year — except for the nihilists, of course. Give the nihilists their due and right to free speech with this costume idea.
Some makeup on the eyes, eliciting disillusionment and apathy, along with all black clothes and a sign which reads one or all of the following: #NoLivesMatter, #BleakIsTheNewHope or #DespairIsMyAntiDrug — that’s all you need for this getup.
Sidenote: This one should be easy enough and cheap as well, for those of you looking to offend on a budget (proposed costs don’t include possible hospital visit and/or humiliation and subsequent therapy).
3. Pokemon GO casualty
Offensive meter: 4, or insults and/or dissociation from further Halloween party invites
Pokemon GO took over the world for a month or so this year and, in that month, people died as a result. Whether it was from a car accident, walking off a cliff or some other horrid waste of a perfectly good life, lives were cut short because people couldn’t look up from their device enough to survive daily existence.
This Halloween, be a Pokemon GO casualty who wanders the afterlife searching for Pikachu, as La Llorona looks for her deceased children in arroyos, doomed never to find peace or rest.
For this one, dress up in as much Pokemon gear as possible and splatter some fake blood (amount depending upon manner of death), keep a phone in front of your face AT ALL TIMES but remember: don’t make the same mistake your subject did. Talk about art imitating life.
Honor the deceased, while making a statement on the pitfalls of how absorbed our culture is with technology.
4. Police officer’s trigger finger
Offensive meter: 9, or you’re better off beating yourself to a pulp (it’s less of a risk than stepping outside)
There has been no shortage of police shootings this year and the effect has been devastating to this country in so many ways. If you have zero brains or sensitivity in your head, then this one’s for you.
Dress up as the trigger finger of today’s police force with a shaky composure.
Locate a “phallic” costume and update it with stripes and a fingerprint to convey the image of a finger. Then, dark circles under your eyes, sweat stains and a jittery persona — along with a police badge/hat/uniform — should do the trick and seal you as the biggest idiot in the history of Halloween.
Sidenote: If you honestly do this, you deserve whatever comes to you.
5. Trump demographic
Offensive meter: 4, or heated political discussion and/or drinks thrown in your face
With Donald Trump, the possibilities are endless. But, one of those possibilities is dressing up for Halloween as the scariest concept known to man: someone who genuinely believes Trump should have the authority to be running anything other than his own mouth.
The ideas are plentiful but some starters include: Trump propaganda (hats, shirts, signs), missing teeth and visible firearms (obviously fake, but the bigger the better).
You can also elicit the blind, deaf and dumb look with the following accessories: a see-through blindfold, earplugs and a t-shirt that reads: “hooked on phonics” or “trump is the way” or “I’m with the Don.”
To top it all off, take a medium-size cardboard box, paint it like a border wall, put some chicken wire on top and construct it into a square around yourself, using some straps to suspend it off your shoulders.
Bonus Costume: Racist Seal
Offensive meter: 3
This one caters more to the UNM demographic, but let’s have a laugh at the expense of our University’s struggle to distance itself from its insensitive institutional emblem. Dress up as a seal (the mammal, not the symbol) and add any racist identifiers accordingly: swastika, Klu Klux Klan hat, etc. or mix up the offensive accessorizing if you really want to make an impression.
That’s all, kids. Just remember, Halloween is all about fun — so do yourself a favor and skip all of the above costumes. No one ever went wrong cutting some eye-holes into a sheet or dressing as a sexy version of some profession. And if you do decide to adopt one of these offensive looks, just remember: you’ve been warned.
