Editor,
Like all human beings, I’ve experienced my share of pain and suffered considerably. I was born into a violent, alcoholic home. When the clock struck six, and my father wasn’t home yet, I knew there was going to be hell to pay that night.
My earliest childhood memories at the age of four are of my father coming home drunk, creating mind bending chaos by throwing plates, swearing in the most vulgar manner, slurring, being super aggressive, beating my mother from time to time and threatening to kill her with the shotgun that was in the apartment. I remember being terrified of losing my mother and terrified of being killed. My strategy of protecting myself as best as I could was to hold my breath, so my father wouldn’t hear me in my bed, and therefore, wouldn’t realize I was there. I felt like a coward in realizing that I could not help my mother.
At the age of 11, we moved and I was not able to adapt properly. I always felt different from others, wasn’t able to fit in and suffered a tremendous sense of loneliness. In order to try and comfort myself, I started using food as a substance. I started drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes at the age of 12 and this gave me a feeling like I could let go and try to fit in, so I became really good at consuming alcohol and was well on my way to smoking two packs of cigarettes a day. At the age of 13, I started smoking marijuana on a daily basis. All of this substance abuse masked the pain I had suffered as a child, and was suffering as a teenager, and only made things worse.
I tried to commit suicide at the age of 17 by overdosing on a bottle of painkillers. At the age of 19, I slammed my car into a steel barrier at approximately 100 mph. I was serious about wanting to stop the pain and kill myself. Thankfully, my Higher Power had other plans for me.
I’m able to forgive my parents today. I’m also able to forgive myself for the numerous mistakes I’ve made in my life and have done my level best to make amends to the people I’ve harmed. A big part of the reason why I’m able to do this is as a result of working the 12 Steps in various recovery programs.
Although I would have been suited to attend a number of 12-Step programs, I’m a part of Alcoholics Anonymous and Overeaters Anonymous. As a result of the 12-Step programs I’m a part of, I’ve received the gift of 30 years of sobriety, received 14 years of being cigarette free, am in my fifth year of abstinence from using food as a substance, and I’ve been receiving the gift of maintaining a 136-pound weight release for almost three years now. I simply cannot take credit for any of this. I attribute all of these modern miracles I experience on a daily basis to the Grace of God.
I’m not a religious person. I’m okay with and respect those that are, but I do my utmost to be a spiritual person. 12-Step programs are spiritual in nature. We are free to choose our Higher Power as we are moved to do so. Today, I have a wonderful relationship with my Higher Power. I’m happy and joyous beyond words, experience a great deal of peace and the vast majority of days, I feel free of any craving, or compulsion of substance.
These are the best days of my life on a consistent basis. After a process of thorough and fearless soul searching, I know who I am today. I can love and accept myself as I am. I can allow myself to be loved today. I can love others.
I’m hopeful this writing will help people to receive recovery from these insidious, deadly diseases of addiction through 12-Step programs and live lives of health, happiness, peace and freedom on a consistent basis.
Love and Peace,
Paul Emile
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