A long-lost tale of corruption, cronyism and a wicked king
Disclaimer: Monica Cyrino submitted this satire to the Daily Lobo. She is not a staff member. Opinions expressed solely reflect the views of the author and do not reflect the opinions of Lobo employees.
*I have taught Greek Mythology at UNM for 20 years. Recently in my research, I uncovered a long-lost tale that may be of interest to your readers. Thank you for allowing me to share it with you.
-Professor Monica S. Cyrino
*
High atop the sacred snow-covered mountain of FantaSe sat Richardsonius, God of Evil, glowering in bitter disgust. Beneath him spread the beautiful desert land of NeaMexiopolis, filled with shiny happy people. Richardsonius was enraged that the people of NeaMexiopolis did not support him in his failed quest to be elected Lord of Everything, so he decided to curse them. He created a government unsurpassed in corruption, incompetence and cronyism. To punish the University of NeaMexiopolis, he even appointed a Board of Rejects, hideous dim-witted monsters that had been expelled from the womb of Mother Earth and made to dwell in law firms and car dealerships.
“Go forth, Board of Rejects,” howled Richardsonius. “Do the greatest harm you can to the people of NeaMexiopolis!”
In this photo illustration, “Schmidlius” is portrayed in a Greek statue.
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The Board of Rejects, corrupt, incompetent cronies all, obeyed their heinous master. They searched far and wide until they found the evil old king Schmidlius, who had made barren and gloomy the once-lovely land of Ochlohomia. And lo! A cry of pure joy went up throughout Ochlohomia when the mean old Schmidlius left: The grass grew and the sun shone after years of desolate darkness. The Board of Rejects made Schmidlius the King of the University of NeaMexiopolis, though he was past his prime and completely lacking in leadership skills.
Evil King Schmidlius immediately set about making his administration the most corrupt, incompetent and cronyist in the history of NeaMexiopolis. First, he raided the treasuries. A vain and greedy man, Schmidlius refurbished his palace in precious marble and silver and flat-screen TVs at a cost of millions to the people: It is said he even installed a double-wide commode in his office for his own personal use. Next, because he was old and petty and threatened by anyone younger and more vigorous than he, Schmidlius exiled all the noble ministers and hale deans, replacing them with weak, foolish sycophants, while doubling their number and tripling their salaries. So pathetic were these puny new minions, it is said they would weep for terror in Schmidlius’ presence.
Then, after hugely increasing his own staff of weak, jabbering yes-men and yes-women, Evil King Schmidlius froze hiring throughout the University, so that no teachers, advisers or librarians could be employed. Although Schmidlius promised to raise graduation rates, it was nothing more than a cruel joke: Without classes, advising and books, how could the students finish their degrees? Graduation rates plummeted to the depths of Hades, matched only by the low morale of the people, who were outraged, humiliated and saddened to see the ravaging of their fair University. Evil King Schmidlius sat back on his double-wide commode and was pleased with the devastation he had wrought.
“Now they see the authority here is mine alone,” he chortled. “Just like in Ochlohomia.”
But Evil King Schmidlius was not finished with his brutal rampage. To the south lay the lush valley of Lobolandia, where the young heroes played on green fields all day, a place well known as “Kalligynaika,” or “Land of Pretty Young Receptionists.” As the new overseer of Lobolandia, Schmidlius appointed a Vice King named Krebon, a man whose enormous venality was matched only by his utter lack of knowledge, eloquence or leadership ability. Clearly, Schmidlius wished to destroy Lobolandia by putting in charge a man so corrupt, so unqualified and so irresponsible that soon all the heroes would flee the green fields and Lobolandia would no longer be able to recruit any top heroes at all.
Krebon brought only trouble to Lobolandia, as he set about ruining the most beloved and heroic brand name in all of NeaMexiopolis. For deep in the well-appointed coaching caves, there lived a fierce, bearded dragon called the Lockster, Scourge of Heroes. The Lockster had already forced the heroes to leave their jerseys sloppily untucked, and to take off their helmets at totally inappropriate times during their games: Such a striking lack of discipline caused the heroes to go winless for nearly an entire season. “Alas!” lamented the denizens of Lobolandia. “Even the Rockster never went 1 and 10!” Many a brave hero had tried to conquer the Lockster, but the dragon had supernatural fighting powers: He would flail his arms and a bloody punch would magically land, he would lightly grab a collar and his adversary would end up choked and bruised. “The Lockster cannot be tamed,” cried the young hero Geraldus, nursing his bleeding face. Indeed, it was said the Lockster feared only one kind of creature: a 40-something Latina. Oh, if only one could be found in the kingdom of NeaMexiopolis!
But Evil King Schmidlius had another nefarious strategy. Soon the Season of Heroes would be over, and he planned to rid the land of both the ferocious Lockster and the hapless Krebon by burying them in millions of gold coins from the people’s near-empty treasury … [papyrus breaks off here]
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by chayal
the results of way too much dope in the sixties. pitiful. And this person is a professor?!
by slowhike
Excellent read! Perhaps the God of Deceit, Democraticus was involved as well.
by bored now
Neither well written nor entertaining. See me after class.
by Staffer
Those people who do not find this amusing must be those to which the humor is directed. Nice job, Professor!
by Staffer2
Meh. At least Berthold didn’t hide his disgust.
by Li Po
May the goddess Academictenuris protect thee!
by Staffer3
Great, I loved this. About time someone had the guts to tell it like it is, though knowing the President, she won’t have a job for long.
by Eleni Bastea
Apparently, Evil King Schmidlius and the Board of Rejects also punished all subjects who were capable of understanding humor and satire, forcing them into exile. As a result, no one left could remember the last time that tales of metaphors and irony were heard on this land. Until one day, brave Professor Cyrino shouted the trumpet to awaken all subjects from their long, uncomfortable slumber. One by one, the elders whispered among themselves of better olden days when all could speak openly in the forum, without fear of retaliation. And some of the younger ones began to listen. . . .
by dan
It’s about time someone began to shed some light on our problems. I loved this, and found it very humorous. Thank you for sharing, I just hope you still have a job next semester!
by Sarah
Wow. I love people who can tell it like it is in a poetic fashion. I can only hope that more and more people continue this trend. UNM can not fix itself. We all have to be willing to do our part. And the first part is making ourselves heard!
by Chadwick Johnstone
Trollodontus approves of this letter
by K
From No Confidence to No Respect. This bit of satire will become a minor classic in the sad,sordid history of UNM for the first decade of the new millenium. My hat is off to Dr. Cyrino. We can only hope that Big Richardsonius packs his bags sooner rather than later. As for Schmidlius the Last, off to Pompeii with him.
by Danny
Not to mix mythologies, but it was time someone pointed out the emperor isn’t wearing any clothes!
by no clothes
If the Emperor isn’t wearing any clothes, then he fits right in with Prof. Lisa Chavez of the English Dept. (who UNM gave rewards to, by the way) — after she was photographed whipping a student and worse, and doing sex work for money with students. The English Dept. wishes that was satire. But unfortunately, it’s all too true.
by Anna
I have to say, absolutely brilliant work professor. It is much too bad the papyrus was broken, for all of the people in NeaMexiopolis would love to hear how we might save ourselves. Best wishes to you and I would love to study under you in the next semester.
by I just work here
Bravo. Please find the rest of the papyrus.
by Hero of Canton
Let’s hear it for the noble fourth estate! This is the kinda stuff one should find in a campus newspaper.
by Lawrence
Leave it to a right-wing troll like ‘chayal’ to not see the humor in this piece – unless, of course, he backs Schmidly and is offended. To which I would say “good.”
And of course slowhike has to bring political parties into it, even though the issue of corruption at UNM has little to do with state, let alone national, party politics. Perhaps slowhike is not aware that the various characters being satirized here belong to BOTH parties.
by Roger
Painfully accurate.
by slowhike
Lawrence, bud, you know not of what you speak. he Entire groupo of individuals from Richardsonius on down, are Democrats all. However, lest I be accused of not appreicating the sheer artistic satire with which this piece was penned; do tell me which individuals are Republicans.
by slowhike
The entire corruption component has ONLY to do with the DEMOCRAT run state and the Democrat Governor and the Democrats that the Democrat Governor appointed to the Democrat laden Board of Regents.
by faststop
I might agree with the sentiments, but the satire was too heavy handed and obvious. Satire needs a lighter touch to come across well. This was more like venting.
by Smiley
From what I have read from Dr Berthold in the Lobo and heard from Dr Cyrino (in class), they are both amazing and definitely earn their titles as professors.
Sources:
my bias
by Smiley
slowhike,
most democrats = most republicans = same trash
by sam
Evil King Schmidlius!!
LMAO!!!
In my time here, UNM has come a LONG way from the Richard Peck’rhead administration..
:P
by chayal
Lawrence:
“Leave it to a right-wing troll like ‘chayal’ to not see the humor in this piece – unless, of course, he backs Schmidly and is offended. To which I would say “good.””
Name calling again you silly old swampy, tut, tut, go on and smoke some more dope. I wouldn’t pull a hair for schmidly and am not offended, the piece sucks and lacks creativity, and that is merely my opinion, which you seem to wish to deny me. Don’t you have anything better to do at the rest home?
slowhike, you’ve got it right, yet again. Thanks.
by Disgustus
Well scribed fair Cyrino. The Board of Rejects include a president who is a lobbyist for big developers, corporate polluters, and usury-peddling predatory lenders, and a former president who believes UNMH is not a public hospital. Is it any surprise they have steered UNM into such disgrace?
by xicotenga
Good, though derivative of Berthold’s wit; he mastered the form where she is awkward, still.
by watergate
I miss Professor Berthold and I wish that he would comment on what is going on at UNM. UNM destroyed his career from speaking out about how screwed up UNM is. He did this for decades during his ten year at UNM. The only decent presidents that UNM had were Tom Popejoy, Tom Farer, and Louis Caldera. Popejoy had the vision to create the campus that UNM is today. Fearer and Caldera tried to clean up the mess that UNM is and both the regents and the administration tried to destroy their careers. The rest of the presidents at UNM since Popejoy were lap dogs for the corrupt administration and regents. This includes the present president.
Maybe the UNM faculty staff and students could show some spine like the University of California students did last week when their fees were increased by 30% to 50% without any cuts by overpaid administrators.
by Lawrence
“Lawrence, bud, you know not of what you speak”
Oh, but I do, slowhike.
“lest I be accused of not appreicating the sheer artistic satire with which this piece was penned; do tell me which individuals are Republicans.”
How soon we forget: remember last year when Darren White, the Republican candidate for the 1st District, planned a campaign fundraiser whereby donors could have their photo taken with Lobo coach Steve Alford for $1,000?
UNM athletics vice president Paul Krebs acknowledged that he asked Alford to participate in the event. By the way, two of the Republican campaign event sponsors were UNM Regents Don Chalmers and Jack Fortner. (“Flagrant Foul?” Albuquerque Journal, Thursday, July 10, 2008)
I hear tell Schmidly is a Republican. I could not verify that in my cursory archival search of the Journal; however, he does have Republican friends and associates, most notably the $10,000-a-month “media and crisis management consultant” named Mike Collins. Schmidly brought Collins along with him when he started at UNM in 2007; Collins worked for him at Texas Tech and Oklahoma State University.
Collins was the consultant involved in engineering the 1994 Republican takeover of Congress, has worked with Bob Dole, and is a “former national Republican Party spokesman.”
(“UNM’s Image Maker” Albuquerque Journal, Sunday, January 20, 2008)
You see, slowhike, corruption is an equal-opportunity employer. This is one way neo-con rhetoric lacks credibility. You take a corrupt politician like Richardson and then cast the aspersion wide on all Democrats – implying that no Republican anywhere is corrupt. The immature and uneducated can be fooled by such arguments, I suppose. But really, give it a rest.
by Nancy the Banished
Those in exile weep in response to the continued suffering of the fair people of NeaMexiopolis.
by some old student
Makes you pine for the days when the Padilla family mafia ran the place. Do they still think they do…the Padillas?
by sisgoreus in exile
And from a distant shore those who fled the bush-league deity Richardsonius, the venal King Schmidlius and the Board of Boss Hogg Rejects thought of Mesa Vista Hall and wept.
But seriously, what the Richardson machine and the Schmidley cabal has done to UNM is a heart-breaking tragedy, particularly when one thinks of the wonderful and truly unique potential and talents of so many young New Mexicans being stymied and wasted. My three years teaching them left me amazed at the vast intellectual potential of NM’s youth. All that has been done to these students, their university and their state by all those named above is unforgivable. There needs to be a reckoning.
by Okie
Oklahoma State University and the local community are glad there were other idiots in the world to take the Schmid. As it is said, Schmit happens.
by ABQSenator
Another in a long line of lazy tenured professors complaining about President Schmidly asking for a modicum of accountability and measured output from staff. If this University wants to be anything beyond a local mediocre podunk community college it will need strong leadership and real change, change Schmidly is trying to bring. But, like in Santa Fe, there are too many lazy, status-quo loving insiders getting fat off the hog and unwilling to be accountable or actually do their work.
by sisgoreus in exile
Don’t worry ABQSenator, given enough time, every UNM faculty member who is able will flee like I did, and you will have a university staffed solely by the Schmid and his cadres of kleptocrat administrators. “Podunk” is the perfect term to describe the bolo-tie wearing clowns you know as the Board of Regents, and your beloved President Schmidley. Bumpkin cronies and shady political fixers running a university with as much potential as UNM is such a heartbreaking spectacle, but whenever I start to really miss Nuevo Mexico (a state I love), I am reminded of the kind of intellectual dead weight (yes I mean you) UNM will have to overcome to attain decent leadership and oversight, and I fear that people like you just may get your way in the end.
by slowhike
JD you get an A for determinism, but a much lower grade for accuracy. Schmidley and Chalmers both contribute to the Democrat campaign, which is public record. I don’t know if that makes them Democrats, do you? “I hear tell” is hardly good data. I am not surprised that one can find a republican or two among the employees at UNM, and wpould never claim that being a Democrat was a minimum requirement for employment.
I do agree with your opinion of BR, and the Regents all salute this character. Howevwer, man was desined for social discourse and with that comes a challenge to our sense of justice. Does man have an inborn sense of justice or is it only legislated and enforced by governments and the law?
by EchoBoomer
You guys have to lighten up… it is only her opinion… but a funny one none the less! Haha!
by Andres Saenz(UNM alumnus)
I took Monica Cyrino’s Greek Mythology class a few years ago. Most UNM professors are very serious about the subject matters that the teach, much too solemn and uptight. But not her…her teaching style is very informal, like a breath of fresh air because she’s very enthusiastic about what she teaches. I think this is a brilliant piece of satire because it accurately portrays what’s happening to UNM’s leadership…UNM now resembles a greedy Wall Street monopoly rather than an academic institution and I can prove it.
And to EchoBoomer…this is NOT only her opinion. Did you know that Schmidly’s salary is greater than that of President Obama’s($500K > $400K)? Do you seriously think that the Regents and Schmidly actually care about improving the quality of higher education here at UNM?