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Highfalutin iPads incite violence

Last updated: 02/01/10 10:58pm

The iPad is going to ruin humanity.

For those out of the loop, the iPad is Apple’s newest product, commonly referred to as a tablet. Besides all the awful jokes emerging from the old Mad TV sketch based on Apple’s newest device, the iPad has more then just its name wrong. The iPad is yet another Apple product designed for Apple users already in love with the brand. And this product proves to be the most useless and overblown of Apple products yet. Not just that, but the new iPad will kill you.

The iPad is an iPhone that can’t make phone calls, record voice, lacks a webcam and has no USB port. A lack of standard features is normal in first generation models, but, whatever, it can’t run Adobe Flash. To its credit, it does feature a larger screen, greater hard drive capacity and higher performance capabilities than the iPhone. Basically, it walks the line between a smart phone and a laptop priced at $500 to $700 based on how much hard drive you’re looking for.

So, how do I see the iPad ruining your life? The cult of Steve Jobs in their zip-up hoodies and distressed jeans are chilling at Winnings and surfing the Internet for the latest gadgets and playing with novel, delectable apps on the iPad. Between sips of espresso and exaggerated Internet browsing that calls for attention, they lean over to the person closest to them and say, “Hey, have you seen this thing? Seriously, it’s like a smart phone but better.” And their fellow cult member responds, “Yeah, man. I heard the processing on that thing is intense. It’ll be perfect for when I am not browsing on my iPhone or MacBook!.”

While this behavior is fine and good in Apple hot spots, it is when this behavior spreads to non-approved Apple havens. Scenario A: Steve Jobs’ cult member with iPad in the lower floor of the SUB types on the digital keyboard, pats himself on the shoulder for his smart buy, and then leans over to the nearest person. “Hey man,” he says grasping the nearby person’s shoulder, “Look how awesome this is.” Nearby person: “Yeah, that’s kind of cool, but I have things to do.” Cult Member: “No, seriously, look at this thing, look — this app burns fat! This one will make you happy because it says so! Is that cool or what?” Nearby person: “No.”

The Steve Jobs fan leaves in a huff rapidly tapping on the iPad, looking for an app that comes up with clever comebacks, but the conflict doesn’t end there. The situation is repeated a thousand times over until the non-iPad and iPad owners can’t stand the sight of each other. War erupts when the iPad begins functioning as a remote, and the Apple cult constantly changes the channel of public televisions to Fuse TV. So everyone’s pissed off, and centuries of conflict ensue and the human race ends with an atomic bomb app which is accidentally set off by an Apple fan when he meant to hit the tuning app for his acoustic guitar. It isn’t the worst way to go, and at least it’s not based on religious conflict. Thank you Apple.

Maybe the iPad won’t be the start of our apocalypse, but the issue remains, the divide between Apple users and everyone else continues to grow. Even non-Apple users can agree the products produced by the fruity company are innovative and attention grabbing. I myself had a bit of a nerd-gasm every time I saw a commercial for the iPhone — it was novel at the time. The idea of watching films, finding restaurants and then calling the restaurant with one device was unbelievable. Now it’s commonplace. The iPad fails to impress because everything it offers has been offered before and more effectively. The Kindle is already the go-to e-reader device and apps were pioneered on the iPod touch and iPhone, so the release of the iPad leaves something to be desired. I suppose one could argue for the enhanced processing on the iPad. But if a person is after processing, why not buy a laptop with faster processing and a webcam?

The real question here is why do you need an unwieldy tablet that won’t fit in your pocket and can’t match the capabilities of a laptop of the same size and price?
Apple is about capturing the public’s eye with cheap gimmicks that lose their novelty. Why else are the iPod Nano and Shuffle redesigned on a yearly basis? And that’s fine if the Apple users want to toss their money away into a big gaping hole that funds newer gimmicks and less practical products. How many times do you think it has to be dropped before it is broken? I am sick of hearing about the latest and greatest product from Apple, especially when that product has been done before and with greater success.

Published February 1, 2010 in Columns, Opinion

26 comments



Anonymous

February 2, 2010 at 12:36 AM
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What a trashy article. Was any part of this supposed to be serious?


jesus

February 2, 2010 at 12:44 AM
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What a trashy “mobile internet device”. Was any part of this supposed to be serious?


WAS

February 2, 2010 at 12:46 AM
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you are an idiot. A shortsighted idiot.


overtext

February 2, 2010 at 1:03 AM
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hahahaha….coool article. a little extreme however right on!


Marc

February 2, 2010 at 1:05 AM
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Ha, brilliant stuff!


passing by

February 2, 2010 at 1:09 AM
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let me guess, the first 3 comments are probably from Apple fans. And by the sound of it, they are seeing this journal as something along the line of defacing their religion.


Peter

February 2, 2010 at 1:12 AM
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This is barely coherent and hard to see that this ever made print. I know it is fashionable to knock the new Apple product but to lie about its size and capabilities is really lame.

Come up with something better.


Joseph V.

February 2, 2010 at 1:16 AM
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HOW ARE YOU A JOURNALIST?!?!?!?!?!?

Not only is New Mexico a USELESS state in the Union, but it produces useless journalism. You should be a MySpace blogger for “tweens”, not a pretend journalist.


PJM

February 2, 2010 at 1:19 AM
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As an Apple user I must say: This is an excellent article!
I am loosing my Apple fever because of the iPad and Apple’s pricing in general. Apple products are pretty but my next laptop will most likely be a W7 or Linux based netbook. Also some netbooks have better designs nowadays.
Apple is becoming quite boring releasing new products and updates. Their marketing is not working for me anymore. I feel I am looking at another money swallowing machine. I am tired of that.
The iPad is not hot. It is not pretty and it is not practicle.
I am loosing touch with Apple.


Christian Pennis

February 2, 2010 at 1:21 AM
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Need to take a crap? We have an app for that the new iCrap. The ipad is not all that great. I could buy a $500 laptop that does soo much more that this shiny turd with a apple logo on it. Watch out the apple cult has gotten wind of your article and they are out for BLOOD!


Paul

February 2, 2010 at 1:22 AM
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This article has value insofar that readers clicked the headline and the advertizements on this site generated revenue for the DailyLobo. Job well done… I was duped into landing on this page!

I’ll remember that “Daily Lobo” is horse poo when it comes to professional analysis.


James

February 2, 2010 at 1:42 AM
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I’ve been an apple person since the 128k when dino’s ruled the earth, and I’ve never liked anything about PCs, despite having had to use them in many job positions. Apple products are just that. Products. Apple-heads are like scientologists, they’ll jump up and down on your couch and pull a Tom Cruise on you because they’re empty headed losers led by the nose. The bottom line is, this product stinks. Period. It serves absolutely no purpose and seems deliberately designed to frustrate. Steve Jobs can blow this one out his kazoo. Don’t take a bite out of this poison apple. I’ll never go PC, but I have no use for designer junk gadgets. iMoney… that’s all this is about. Honest article – from a loyal Mac user.


Mike

February 2, 2010 at 1:58 AM
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It’s great to watch the Apple geeks heads explode after reading this article, if they were actually able to make it through the whole thing. I loved my iPod and now my iPhone but I will not be barging into an Apple store demanding an iPad.. I have some common sense.


CBR56

February 2, 2010 at 4:14 AM
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I’ve been working with computers since the 1970’s (punch cards, mag tapes, Fortran, Basic, etc.) and I find it so humorous how people (and so called “IT pros”)get all worked up in the PC v Apple debate. Listen up you all: They are both just computers, one’s not better than the other only different (and only as good as the person operating it), just like any technology that is man-made, both will have flaws and its share of lemons. I’ve worked with both Apple/Mac’s and PC’s that are garbage, regardless what the so-called “experts” say. It’s amazing how so called “adults” will act so childishly about their “pretty tech toys” and are so obsessed by them.
When a computer that can write poetry or paint (a couple of my hobbies) comes along, then I’ll get excited about it, until then, they are just a tool or a toy, nothing to get my life obsessed about to the point of arguing with or hating someone about.

Though I work in the tech field, there are times I don’t turn my computer on and I turn my cell phone off, so I can live and enjoy Life itself with the best computer in the world, my mind.

Technology has truly become the opiate of the masses.


thomas

February 2, 2010 at 7:20 AM
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Does anyone remember the electric carving knife? GE promoted it as the most indispensible kitchen tool ever. As it turns out, it was no better than any other knife. In fact in the hands of the wrong people, your Thanksgiving turkey would look like it was carved up with a chainsaw. We the mass consumer of useless products, we are sheep to the slaughter of our disposable incomes.


Obama: ILIE!

February 2, 2010 at 8:12 AM
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The CULT OF OBAMA!


Obama: IFOOL! UFOOL!

February 2, 2010 at 8:14 AM
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THE CULT OF OBAMA!


Wired

February 2, 2010 at 8:33 AM
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You guys are so dumb, this isn’t a serious article. It’s a fun column about an iPad, and it does make some good points. You’re seriously using this as proof that New Mexico can’t produce good journalists? Get a life.


BC

February 2, 2010 at 8:36 AM
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Sounds like an apple wannabe complaining about tech they fear or secretly desire. Whether apple or microsoft ipad or tablet pc, it is just another electronic toy, use it or not who cares. Apple always comes up with the latest greatest gadgets, if you don’t like them don’t buy them, simple. Bashing those that do like them is just lame, feel free to tune in your am radio and rock out with your out of date self, the world will just pass you by like you’re not even there.


Ken

February 2, 2010 at 10:58 AM
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This article is funny, but how did an editor ever approve the grammar problems??? There is a “then” that should obviously be “than”. A proper sentence would also include something that will result “when this behavior spreads”. These are basic agreement problems that should be understood before one gets to college. To see them in a daily college paper is embarrassing.


Maria

February 2, 2010 at 4:43 PM
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No way. He used it right. It’s then, not than.


Alex

February 3, 2010 at 10:37 PM
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COMPARISON: HP Mini 311 VS. iPad*

PRICE: $400 VS. $499
RESOLUTION: 1024*768 VS. 1336*768
TV OUTPUT: 480p VS. 1080p
VIDEO DECODING: 720p VS. 1080p
MULTITASKING: No VS. Yes
FLASH: No VS. Yes
USB2.0: No VS. Yes
Camera: No VS. Yes

Read more …

*No to be confused with a hygiene product of a similar name


@Alex

February 5, 2010 at 4:17 PM
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Are you making an argument for or against the iPad, all tech sites, CNet, include have shown that the iPad will have no usb, camera, or flash capabilities. Did you mix up the columns or what?


Pro copy editor

February 8, 2010 at 5:17 PM
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In the first paragraph “then” should absolutely be “than.” “Then” is used when listing events chronologically, i.e: I went to the store THEN went to the movies. “Than” is used when when comparing amounts, i.e. “more THAN just its name wrong,” as it should have been written above.


jk

February 9, 2010 at 10:53 PM
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too bad no one cares about anyone but their self. Obama is just a pawn, yet no one cares. Obama is the new and improved Hitler.
hate
Obama
conspiracy
socialism

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