Supposedly, this is a smoke-free campus, and allegedly one is only allowed to use tobacco in designated areas. However, one quick stroll across campus indicates otherwise. Students, faculty and staff smoke whenever and wherever they please. When this policy was put into place, no method of enforcement was stipulated and no punishment for violating the policy was put into place. Compliance of the new rules are voluntary. Since no one feels like complying, no one does. And why should they?
What we need is a fun and pleasurable way to get compliance to the policy, while at the same time allowing smokers to enjoy nicotine. Here we should note that, one does not need to “smoke” tobacco to get the effects of nicotine. In fact, nicotine can be delivered into the blood stream in a multitude of ways without involving the act of smoking. So how, you might ask, can we do this?
The answer is really simple, and actually was inspired by the Jan. 21 Daily Lobo column, “Doing it in the Duke city” entitled “Clean and painless anal sex — no butts about it” by Miss Hunter Riley. The unexplored, fun and pleasurable route for compliance to the tobacco policy is, of course, the anus. There are multitudes of capillaries and a rich blood supply in the lower small intestine near the anus. Nicotine could be easily and quickly absorbed into the bloodstream through this entry point. Therefore, as the primary method in gaining compliance to the university tobacco policy, I suggest nicotine suppositories and enemas.
Imagine, as a nicotine user you could insert a suppository before class and ride calming nicotine-induced waves without disturbing others. Just think: No smoke, no cigarette butts, no smell, the possibility of an orgasm, and you could do it anywhere. This is the perfect solution. In fact, if the Daily Lobo prints this submission, perhaps they would let me have my own column. I would call it “Burning it in Burque” with my next feature article giving the merits of smoking while menstruating.