I’m sorry to say that, quite frequently, sex is either dull or weird. It’s hardly ever red rose petals and a seductive wink — or even basically “hot” — so we ought to get over that daydream.
But I’d like to revisit my first semester in college, when, believe it or not, I did have a good relationship.
As a freshman, I developed a close friendship with another student in a religion class. We lived near each other, and we often shared notes and proofed each other’s papers. Lars was very kind, but not exactly single. Still, we spent a lot of time together and talked about everything. Soon we were even discussing our personal religious histories and exploring doubt in the principles we’d learned in church.
One night, we were just about to cross campus for a poetry club meeting when a freak rainstorm forced us back into the dorm. We holed up in my room and sipped Kahlua with our friend, Will, who sat and watched, amused, as our party of two carried on until we were no longer sitting up, but lying on the floor staring into each other’s eyes. Lars began to touch my face just as the rain stopped, and Will and I agreed it was time to step outside for a cigarette.
Lars did not smoke, but watched patiently as I lit a Marlboro and held it shakily between the fingers of my right hand.
“Why are you doing that?” Lars asked me.
“Oh, I don’t know; it feels good. I should probably quit.”
“Yeah, they say that kissing a smoker is like licking an ashtray,” Will slurred, fighting to balance his drink and a menthol.
“It can’t be that bad,” I said.
“I want to find out for sure,” Lars replied.
Will stumbled away to pee on a tree.
“What?” I asked her. (Oh yes, “Lars” was a nickname derived from “Lauren.” She was the only person I knew who was “out” (as a bisexual) — the only person I’d heard say the word “out” without flushing.)
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“I want to kiss you,” she said. I tried to refuse. I explained that it could be as wildly unpleasant as licking an ashtray, but she insisted. “Isn’t that a sign of just how strong my desire is, that I still want to even though you’re smoking that disgusting thing?”
“But, I’ve never kissed a girl. I don’t know if I should—”
“Maybe you’ll never kiss another girl. Maybe you will. Wouldn’t you want the first or only to be me?” And so she leaned in and a gust of wind shook the branches of the tree above us, shaking a few raindrops down to glisten on our long, dark hair. I wish I had been more sober, but still I remember that it was the sweetest kiss — the kind that leaves your lips tingling, slightly aching, as if they’re still being touched.
So, what should you do if you’re attracted to members of the same sex but don’t know how or how much you should get involved? The simple answer is that you could take yourself to a QSA meeting on Wednesdays at 7 p.m. in the SUB. But say you’re too shy or just too much of a private person. My best advice, and this really goes for everyone, curious or not, is to make friends with someone in the queer scene. More and more frequently, you don’t need to have perfect gaydar to do this. Plenty of GLBTQ people are open and willing to talk about their sexuality. Just try talking to the people in your classes who seem friendly. Get together for a study group and let the conversation occasionally drift to personal topics. Once you find a kindred spirit, tag along to an event that caters to the GLBTQ crowd. Some clubs downtown have good theme nights, but there are also film screenings and music shows for those of you who are under 21.
Test the waters, mingle, see if you feel comfortable — or even have fun. If it works out, there will be plenty of time later to worry about the complications — whether and how to tell your family, for one — but first, don’t be afraid to take a step toward finding out what is right for you. Pursue happiness.
As for Lars and me? Well, we remained friends and I was too confused to bring up what happened that night again. As time passed, I made friends with more people, regardless of their sexual orientation. One friend I especially love — a guy — invited me to every GLBTQ event and called me “the token straighty.” Now I date both men and women, sometimes both at the same time, and am quite content. The guy Lauren was dating ended up being a long-term boyfriend. But, they recently broke up. Wish me luck.
Doing it in the Duke City is written by a group of Daily Lobo columnists. All names in this column are changed to protect the privacy of anyone mentioned. What would you like to read in the Daily Lobo’s sex column? Got a question? Write in to suggestions@dailylobo.com.
