Satire

Satire

STEM in the sky, humanities in the hollows

Shin Thant Hlaing | April 1

The University of New Mexico has unveiled a new infrastructure plan in which Science Technology Engineering and Math (STEM) buildings will float a mile above ground and humanities buildings will be relocated to underground tunnels to shield students from the STEM jet flames. “STEM subjects are the future and we need to show our support for our STEM students by giving them an educational experience with state of the art technology: jetpacks,” UNM President Garnett Stokes said. ”We must also, as the flagship university of the state, demonstrate a decisive superiority over New Mexico State University.”

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Satire

Opinion: Football is too complicated and I don’t like it

Shin Thant Hlaing | April 1

After years of analysis (I watched a 30-minute video of NFL highlights), I’ve come to the conclusion that football is too complicated and I don’t like it. There, I said it – this is a fully legitimate expert opinion. I actually would’ve made it to the big leagues if it weren’t for my knee injury. First of all, being able to enjoy the game is entirely dependent on an understanding of the imperial measurement system, which most of the world no longer uses. Well, that and beer consumption. And a bowl of nachos.

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Satire

UNM sorority hosts fight club for rush season

Addison Fulton | April 1

“I will rip those stupid fake highlights clean out of your skull. Anyways, see you tomorrow night sister, xoxoxo,” Ashleigh Damon wrote in a text message to sorority sister Kayleigh Smith that was leaked to the Daily Lobo. Smith is just one of many students preparing to make the most out of their ...

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Satire

LoboAlerts fails to warn UNM students of impending doom

Addison Fulton | April 1

Another Rapture caught many students off guard when the LoboAlerts warning system failed to go off in a timely manner, causing many to be stuck in apocalyptic situations. “When I saw that the sky had turned dark and hordes of locusts were emerging from everywhere, I thought to myself, it would have been nice to know about this an hour ago,” Hellen Fyre, a University of New Mexico junior, said. Fyre, like many students, was disappointed by the lateness of the LoboAlert, which should warn students before they go into potentially hazardous conditions, such as hellfire erupting from the ground, she said.

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Satire

UNM provides new grad student housing … underground

Sadie Hopkins | April 1

The University of New Mexico has released plans for a new solution to affordable housing for graduate students off campus – underground tunnels. Recently, graduate students at UNM have voiced concerns about a lack of student housing. Anita Knapp, a representative for the United Graduate Workers of UNM, said that the uncertainty of housing has made her experience in graduate work strange and difficult. “I’ve been living off of medical experiments for three months, so I could move into the tunnels, but I have since started to grow purple hair and extra appendages,” Knapp said.

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Satire

SHAC opens retirement center to accommodate wait times

Maddie Pukite | April 1

The average age of students on campus is increasing to 190, meanwhile, Student Health and Counseling wait times are increasing as well. To accommodate the wait, SHAC opened retirement centers last Friday for students and has allegedly started an experimental drug trial in hopes of finding an anti-aging property. The issue began on April 3, 2023 when four students all entered the waiting room at the same time for sprained ankles. Maria Barker, an injured student, said all hell broke loose when a box of a thousand unidentifiable tablet-sized medications fell off a shelf.

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Satire

A million dollars worth of Pistol Pete art found

Marcela Johnson | April 1

The University of New Mexico Art Museum (UNMAM) has created a scandal for the Art Department after a Center for the Arts janitor, Henry Robinson, stumbled upon millions of dollars worth of Pistol Pete art last Monday. “I was looking for some old supplies that we used to keep in a shared space, and when I opened that door, all this Pistol Pete crap came falling on me,” Robinson said. “That’s gotta be a safety violation.” The UNMAM has denied any involvement with the storage closet and its contents. UNMAM Director Anna Lyre has said that she does not believe it exists.

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Satire

UNM will include jousting after fatal prophecy is revealed

Nate Bernard | April 1

Hear ye, hear ye! Our noble queen, Garnett Stokes, proclaims the entry of the University of New Mexico into jousting tournaments following a dire prophecy uncovered by the wizards. These tournaments shall commence upon the eve of the blood moon, where challengers from neighboring universities and local warlords shall vie for glory. Whilst the tournaments shall primarily revolve around the noble sport of jousting, there shall also be contests of poem recitation and the drawing forth of the legendary sword, Excalibur, Stokes declared. The victors of these contests shall be bestowed with scrolls detailing fantastical quests, wherein the true reward lies in the friends they made along the way, Stokes declared.

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Satire

5 and Why: 5 answers to a question

Zara Roy | April 3

  Many of us have been wondering this semester. Wondering who? When you what? And then? The Daily Lobo asked freshman philosophy student Virge Ihn his top five ways to tackle the question, “Who when you what and then?” Read on to find out how.

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Satire

UNM to offer free hysterectomies

Lauren Lifke | April 3

  March comemerates Women’s History Month and, although it just came to a close, the University of New Mexico already plans to offer a unique way to celebrate next year by offering free hysterectomies in the Student Union Building. It is a time to honor and acknowledge women’s history, including reproductive health, according to Wilson Park, the University’s Head of Completely Safe Activities.

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Satire

UNM to build turnstiles around entire campus perimeter

Henry Hammel | April 3

  In an effort to increase campus security and safety, the University of New Mexico has undertaken plans to add turnstiles around the perimeter of the entire main campus by April 1, 2024. Following the success of the newly implemented turnstiles at UNM libraries, university administration is implementing what they call a “natural” and “necessary” upgrade to this system.

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Satire

Students fill Duck Pond with radioactive waste

Maddie Pukite | April 3

 Over the duration of spring break, students at the University of New Mexico who remained on campus might have noticed giant white tents that popped up, covering the University’s Duck Pond. These tents were used to cover up nuclear engineering students using red solo cups to carry radioactive nuclear waste over to refill the pond, according to Byrce Adams, a student who participated. 

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Satire

Stokes awards ‘Hunger Games’ title, living wage to victor

Gabriel Garcia | April 3

   University of New Mexico President Garnett Stokes presented the first annual Hunger Games award to Cat Nuncmuert, a graduate student from the English department, on Sunday, April 2 on the third-floor balcony of Scholes Hall. “On behalf of the Board of Regents, we are pleased to officially name English graduate student Cat Nuncmuert as the winner of the first annual UNM Hunger Games. Cat has demonstrated what being a Lobo is truly about with her perseverance, service and astute thinking,” Stokes said.

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Satire

Albuquerque Raising Cane's grand opening … in 2060

Elizabeth Secor | April 3

  Raising Cane’s in Albuquerque opened its doors on March 28, 2060, twenty years after the planned opening. Those gathered outside waiting to taste the infamous chicken said this was the eighty second time they showed up for its grand opening. After the COVID-19 pandemic, the first mass destruction of the city caused by the roadrunner stampede and Dion's’ monopoly on all fast food restaurants, Cane’s had no other option but to delay their opening until now, according to Chick Fila, the only remaining employee and owner of the restaurant.

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Satire

Lobo Louie bites child in divorce aftermath

Elizabeth Secor | April 3

  The University of New Mexico’s mascot Lobo Louie bit a child in the middle of a rampage on Wednesday, March 29. Earlier that day, Lobo Louie and fellow mascot Lobo Lucy finalized their divorce which occurred after it was revealed that Lucy was involved in an affair with New Mexico State University's mascot Pistol Pete.

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Satire

UNM football to do worse with more funding

Miyawni Curtis | April 3

  The University of New Mexico athletics department increased the football team’s budget to $50 million for the 2023-2024 year despite yet another disastrous season where they failed to beat even New Mexico State University in fall 2022.  Experts believe the budget increase was a result of New Mexico State University beating the Lobos in the 2022 homecoming game after NMSU increased their training to up to two weeks a semester, according to an article written by NMSU’s Pistol Pete.

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Satire

Swans gentrify Duck Pond

Marcela Johnson | April 3

  As the weather warms up, life returns to the University of New Mexico Duck Pond. This year, however, the Duck Pond faces a new and unwelcome guest: swans, moving in to increase the property value and force the ducks to find new homes. Since the beginning of spring, swans have slowly been taking over the Duck Pond, according to Jeremiah Clack, the old man who walks around the pond on Tuesday evenings. It started slow — an artisanal pea bistro opened by the waterfall — but it has sped up in recent months. This unfortunate situation hurts the ducks and the surrounding ecosystem.