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March 30

Is ‘Lobo Wrapped’ cool or cruel? It’s certainly unusual

Shin Thant Hlaing

While students look forward to their Spotify Wrapped each year, the newly unveiled Lobo Wrapped feature has brought about mixed feelings among students. The feature places students in categories, similar to Spotify Wrapped. Some felt the Wrapped understood and validated their existence and habits, while others felt called out and ashamed. Lobo Wrapped was intended as a personalization and accountability tool, presenting students with a summary of all the activities undertaken using their LoboID, such as accessing on-campus libraries, the gym, and even where and how often they use their meal swipes. Access is also analyzed based on time of day and relative frequency and employs algorithmic analyses of possible driving factors for student choices.

March 30

ChatGPT to replace UNM libraries

Leila Chapa and Paloma Chapa

March 30

McCringleberry and Shower-Handle among many football recruits

Rodney Prunty

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Lobo Lift to start offering piggyback rides

Jaden McKelvey-Francis | March 30

A new way to get around campus has arrived for University of New Mexico students. The Lobo Lift program, which offers rides in golf carts for students around campus, has expanded to offer piggyback rides, available by calling the Lobo Lift hotline. The program consists of a fleet of over 50 so-called “human vehicles” available from 4 a.m. to 7 a.m. After the piggybackers are dispatched and arrive at a user’s location, they simply input their destination and hop on. “Human vehicles” must complete an extensive training course that includes running a five-minute mile while carrying 6.3572 cinder blocks, holding their breath for 15 minutes in a tank filled with carp and carrying a 0.31 GPA.

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Deyton Albury’s ‘glasses’ revealed to be alien symbiote, fused to face

Elliott Wood | March 30

Last week, researchers from the University of New Mexico’s sports medicine department and the United States Central Intelligence Agency announced they had designated Lobo men’s basketball guard Deyton Albury’s glasses an “extraterrestrial artifact” and “threat to humanity.” Albury, a senior who transferred last season from Utah State University, has been wearing the “glasses” since suffering an eye injury before the end of the regular season. UNM students and staff tell the Daily Lobo that Albury has been seen wearing the glasses constantly, including at La Posada Dining Hall, more than one dimly-lit party off-campus and even to bed, where sources say he has been heard murmuring in various languages while he sleeps.

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B R E A K I N G N E W S !

Rodney Prunty | March 30

This is BREAKING NEWS that needs to be read RIGHT NOW! When I say this needs to be read right now, I mean this needs to be read right now. This information just came out and it is so incredibly MIND BLOWING that you, the reader, need to read this entire article to be informed. The information about to be conveyed is immediately pressing. The information in this very article is so important, it is as important as filling your car up with gas. It is as important as your health, it is as important as buying a house, it is even as important as eating breakfast, lunch and dinner.

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Lobo Louie revealed to be just a dude in a suit

Jaden McKelvey-Francis | March 30

In a shocking turn of events at a University of New Mexico Lobo basketball game, beloved mascot Lobo Louie was revealed to be just a man inside of a large wolf costume. Tragedy unfolded. During the game, while Louie was cheering from the sidelines, an errant shot hit Louie, knocking his head off his body to the dismay of the crowd. The blow revealed Louie to simply be a man dressed up in a costume instead of the live wolf he was belived to be. This event caused surprise and outcry across the campus as students felt betrayed by the ruse.

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Trojan Horses and gladiator skirts: Lobo football’s new offensive strategy

Maria Fernandez | March 30

At a press conference on Wednesday, April 1, University of New Mexico Lobo football Head Coach Lobo Louie announced the team will be implementing a new offensive strategy at the beginning of next season: a Trojan Horse. The Trojan Horse will be known as the “Trojan Lobo,” and the program hopes the figure will become a beloved part of Lobo football history. Student fees for athletics will be raised by $200 per person to pay for the 50-foot wooden horse with the head of a Lobo.

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Football coach Jason Eck and basketball coach Eric Olen swap sports

Alex Joe | March 30

After seeing the University of New Mexico Lobo men’s basketball team miss March Madness, the football Head Coach Jason Eck and basketball Head Coach Eric Olen made the decision to swap sports. UNM Director of Athletics Ryan Berryman said the change could bring a new era in Lobo sports, winning conference championships in both basketball and football. “We are always looking for ways to improve our athletics department. And at this point it’s like, whatever, go for it. If Eck thinks we can coach basketball better, let him try. Olen wants to do football? Sure,” Berryman said. “If a ‘Freaky Friday’ body swap is what we need, then let’s do it. We have the budget.”

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New invention, loud disco to replace silent lights

Camillo Cretara | March 30

This week at the University of New Mexico, Chairman Seymour Butz of UNM Planning and Events made a revolutionary change to how the University parties. In theme with all the recent renovations on campus, the events’ vanguard began working on a new way to appease the UNM student body and the ever-evolving trends that students love to stay up to date on. The idea they’ve come up with: Loud Disco. “No one’s ever done this!” Butz said. “When my father, Seymour Butz the first, came to UNM and was in this same position, he had come up with the idea of the silent disco which had taken the world by storm.”

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WALKWAYS CLOSED: UNM pulls weed from soil

Addison Fulton | March 30

Another major construction project is beginning at the University of New Mexico causing major upheaval to the University ecosystem. In addition to the work on the Center for Collaborative Arts and Technology and the demolition of the old Humanities building to begin on a new one, UNM announced another project and associated road closure due to a small weed found growing through a walkway. According to UNM Facilities Services, the plant is common crabgrass — its scientific name being “Digitaria sanguinalis” — a harmless garden weed found throughout the Southwest. However, due to the weed’s tendency to spread, the entire section of campus between Dane Smith and Johnson Gym will be closed to pedestrian and vehicle traffic until the weed removal is complete

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OPINION: Rating best crying spots on campus

Maria Fernandez | March 30

At the Daily Lobo, we often publish stories on the best places to study, grab coffee or a bite to eat near the University of New Mexico campus, but we don’t typically discuss where to have a good cry. As a person who’s cried in a lot of places on campus, here’s the best and worst places to have a good sob fest. Whether you’re a solo crier, prefer a group sobbing session or a quiet crier, there’s something for you. Centennial Library individual study spaces: 8/10 We’re starting strong with the underground Centennial Science and Engineering Library, where the lowest floor has individual study rooms with barely enough room for one person — two could fit if you’ve got a crying buddy.

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Crafternoon offers nuclear reactor building

Addison Fulton | March 30

On Wednesday, April 1, the University of New Mexico hosted a Crafternoon where students built their very own nuclear reactors. The event provided tools and materials for participants to build a fusion or fission core, including lead-lined protective suits, confinement shells, tubing and water for cooling. Students snacked on carrots and hummus and sipped little cans of Diet Pepsi while handling radioactive uranium and plutonium. Ima Lyre, UNM fine arts freshman, said she attended the event out of morbid curiosity and a desire to explore something new. The event was a good way to unwind with friends and connect with new people, she said.

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UNM to be renamed University of New America

Lauren Lifke | April 2

Officials announced last week the renaming of the former “University of New Mexico” following executive actions. It will now be called the University of New America, and anybody who calls it by the old name will be punished immediately. In lieu of the “Lobos,” UNA will also have a new mascot: the Wolves — because President Donald Trump threatened the school’s federal funding if it “did not respect the official language of the United States,” he said at a press conference last week. “Everyone’s a Wolf. Woof, woof, woof,” students chanted halfheartedly at last night’s basketball game.

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A society collapsed: PATS gives up on ticketing

Addison Fulton | March 31

University of New Mexico Parking and Transportation Services recently announced that it will entirely give up on handing out parking citations, ushering in a new era of vehicular chaos unprecedented in modern society. Patrick Patterson, director of PATS, said the organization has been officially “wrecked.” “PATS has always been a proud and definitely fair organization. We kept the peace. We maintained order. Now, we’ve fallen apart due to internal pressures and public mockery. So you win, you animals. We give up,” Patterson said. “You’re all on your own now. Let’s see if you like the world you wake up in when you wake up without a citation on your window.”

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UNM to deliver LoboAlerts Paul Revere-style

Lauren Lifke and Lily Alexander | March 31

The University of New Mexico announced it would switch its LoboAlert method to echo historical figure Paul Revere after students complained about delayed notifications of campus crime. Now, in the event of anything from arson to feathered hat theft, students will hear calls of “RUN, HIDE, FIGHT” and the clomping of horse feet across campus. In a statement to the Daily Lobo, UNM Police Department spokesperson Robert Newman wrote that the department hopes the new system will help students protect themselves — and stop complaining. “It was clear that we needed a change,” Newman wrote. “And who better to inspire us than Paul Revere, arguably the most effective messenger in history?

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Duck exodus at UNM begins as Stokes surrenders to divine feathered wrath

Nate Bernard | March 31

After weeks of campus chaos brought about by divine poultry intervention, University of New Mexico President Garnett Stokes reversed her decision on the ducks’ exile to UNM Championship Golf Course. The ducks will soon return to the Duck Pond on main campus. Quackses, the former personal duck of Stokes, has emerged as a leader among the duck resistance. In protest of the new policy, Quackses waddled to Stokes’ desk outside Scholes Hall and presented his demands, which Stokes swiftly rejected. “Let my ducklings go” Quackses quacked to Stokes.

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UNM takes neutral stance on its investment in toilet-removal companies

Leila Chapa and Paloma Chapa | March 31

A disclosure of the University of New Mexico’s investments reveals that it holds shares in three companies directly involved in forcibly removing toilets from buildings, leaving bathrooms with nothing but an exposed sewage pipe on the floor. Some holes have not been properly covered, leaving a sewage gas smell in bathrooms. The companies, which are responsible for removing and destroying millions of toilets from buildings worldwide, include Flushed 04, Sludge and Tefflawn Toilet. According to the companies’ websites, toilet vanishing is indiscriminate, and “any property can be next.” As of publication, the university has not had any reports of missing toilets.

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Who is cherry and silver and under the sea? The Lobo football team!

Izabella Kubiak-Reseigh | March 31

The University of New Mexico football team could be shipped to play in Bikini Bottom if the Lobos suffer another losing season, according to a whistleblower in the University’s Athletics Department. After a lackluster finish last season, the Lobos are under pressure to deliver a winning record or face a total rebrand. Anonymous sources within the department say officials are in “preliminary talks” with the underwater city to negotiate a team relocation deal should the program flounder again.

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Ducks vs. turtles: Duck Pond renovations spark $42 billion gentrification feud

Marcela Johnson | March 31

As life should be returning to the University of New Mexico Duck Pond, a drained concrete tub sits lifeless. The Daily Lobo has uncovered a secret document that details renovations at the Duck Pond that will create duck suburbia — a project that is more than $42 billion over budget. “First we deal with swan gentrification, and now this,” Shelly Tortuga, one of the lead Duck Pond turtles who helped stop the 2023 swan gentrification, said. Tortuga feels that the ducks have turned on their neighbors, she said. Before the renovations began, the ducks would tip the turtle logs as they slept, Tortuga said.