Over the duration of spring break, students at the University of New Mexico who remained on campus might have noticed giant white tents that popped up, covering the University’s Duck Pond. These tents were used to cover up nuclear engineering students using red solo cups to carry radioactive nuclear waste over to refill the pond, according to Byrce Adams, a student who participated.
University of New Mexico President Garnett Stokes presented the first annual Hunger Games award to Cat Nuncmuert, a graduate student from the English department, on Sunday, April 2 on the third-floor balcony of Scholes Hall. “On behalf of the Board of Regents, we are pleased to officially name English graduate student Cat Nuncmuert as the winner of the first annual UNM Hunger Games. Cat has demonstrated what being a Lobo is truly about with her perseverance, service and astute thinking,” Stokes said.
Raising Cane’s in Albuquerque opened its doors on March 28, 2060, twenty years after the planned opening. Those gathered outside waiting to taste the infamous chicken said this was the eighty second time they showed up for its grand opening. After the COVID-19 pandemic, the first mass destruction of the city caused by the roadrunner stampede and Dion's’ monopoly on all fast food restaurants, Cane’s had no other option but to delay their opening until now, according to Chick Fila, the only remaining employee and owner of the restaurant.
The University of New Mexico’s mascot Lobo Louie bit a child in the middle of a rampage on Wednesday, March 29. Earlier that day, Lobo Louie and fellow mascot Lobo Lucy finalized their divorce which occurred after it was revealed that Lucy was involved in an affair with New Mexico State University's mascot Pistol Pete.
The University of New Mexico athletics department increased the football team’s budget to $50 million for the 2023-2024 year despite yet another disastrous season where they failed to beat even New Mexico State University in fall 2022. Experts believe the budget increase was a result of New Mexico State University beating the Lobos in the 2022 homecoming game after NMSU increased their training to up to two weeks a semester, according to an article written by NMSU’s Pistol Pete.
As the weather warms up, life returns to the University of New Mexico Duck Pond. This year, however, the Duck Pond faces a new and unwelcome guest: swans, moving in to increase the property value and force the ducks to find new homes. Since the beginning of spring, swans have slowly been taking over the Duck Pond, according to Jeremiah Clack, the old man who walks around the pond on Tuesday evenings. It started slow — an artisanal pea bistro opened by the waterfall — but it has sped up in recent months. This unfortunate situation hurts the ducks and the surrounding ecosystem.
On Friday, March 31, a group of students at the University of New Mexico gathered in protest outside the philosophy department offices after the University declared the college of arts and sciences officially part of Science, Technology, Engineering and Mathematics.
This past week, the ROTC led a coup d'etat that resulted in the ousting of Garnett Stokes as the University of New Mexico’s president and the installation of a puppet government.The cadets seized power after learning that there was an oil reserve under Stokes's house. The former president was arrested immediately on the grounds of caring too much about the environment. University officials reportedly regret “caring too much for the environment,” in light of the coup.
Undergraduate Laura Driver from the University of New Mexico will stand trial for collecting nearly 500 parking citations thus far in the 2022-2023 academic year, amounting to $12,500, according to Karen Patton, the University of New Mexico’s Parking and Transportation Service public information officer.
The Straight White Male Resource Center has worked faithfully to create a vibrant community at UNM focused on raising visibility and support for all straight white males on campus. The center is delighted to bring resources and community to all students who qualify to the specific straight, white and male constraints, according to the center’s president Jake Micheals. Micheals — former social media director of Sigma Chi, 2019 Wii Golf Intermediate Level Champion and the loudest man in your political science class — is interested in providing services that combat hateful environments on campus and protect the privacy of its members (men who are straight and white).
This past weekend, fraternities at the University of New Mexico gathered at a summit on Johnson Field to sign a non-hazing pledge. They vowed to hold each other accountable and never again subject initiates to the cruel and unusual punishments that come with joining their organizations (wink). The men participating in the on-campus frats gathered unsupervised to conduct a meeting to write and sign the pledge; a passerby reported hearing gales of laughter from the gathering group.
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