Balling till he's falling
by Riley Bauling
Daily Lobo
After a weekend of games as painful as Chinese water torture, the NFL playoffs rear their ugly heads again.
So for me and everyone else who found more action on the Doritos they were eating, let's proceed with a little optimism.
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Let's start in the NFC, where the Atlanta Vicks take on Philly's finest minus their finest in Terrell Owens.
Vick is great, that goes without question. His legs, however, can only take him and his team so far. With a lackluster receiving corps, Vick is a sitting duck for Jevon Kearse.
Despite Alge Crumpler's attempts to be arguably one of the best tight ends in the game, in addition to having one of the better names - don't worry, Dick Butkus, you are still in a league of your own - the Falcons' offense doesn't have the firepower to contend with the freaks Philly has bred.
Even without Owens, the Eagles have all they need in the Campbell's Chunky Soup spokesperson who runs their show.
Donovan McNabb, though still more than capable to boogie left or boogie right when blitzed, turned into the erudite mentor the Eagles waited for. I mean, come on, have you seen the suits he wears after games?
The Eagles do have a little secret weapon as well. Their jack-in-the-hole is running back Brain Westbrook, whose deceptive size leads defenses into making huge mistakes.
Westbrook is not only good because he churns through the trenches like salmon spawning, but send him on a pattern, and he'll catch anything thrown to him within a 5-yard radius.
We'll chalk this one up for the hooligans in Philly.
The AFC championship barrels through Pittsburgh as the Patriots attempt to etch their names into NFL history as one of the best of all time.
Tom Brady and his butt-chin will have their work cut out for them against the Steelers.
Jerome Bettis and Duce Staley need to run rampant over the Patriots for Big Ben to truly go big.
Corey "Do You Want Some Cheese with that Whine" Dillon will no doubt solicit a prostitute in Pittsburgh and get caught, because it'll be a female cop.
The Patriots' receivers, comprised of Macaulay Culkin, Tim Allen and the dinosaur from Kraft Macaroni and Cheese commercials can't stack up against Plaxico Burress and Hines Ward.
And yes, that's correct, we'll have an all-Pennsylvania Super Bowl.
And in other news, Corey Dillon is a greedy child who deserves to have to work a real job before he complains about his team and contract as he did with the Bengals.
If Owens comes back for the Super Bowl, the Eagles will fly away with it. Big Ben will be playing way out of his league, nothing compared to his days back in Miami, Ohio.
He'll buckle under the pressure, and Andy Reid will finally have a legitimate reason to destroy buffets across Pennsylvania in celebration.
McNabb will pick apart the Steelers' secondary. Owens will have a Super Bowl ring he basically did nothing for, and none of us will care, because it'll give him a chance to say some really outrageous things.
And this just in: Corey Dillon has an IQ of 48.
Furious P
by Phil Parker
Daily Lobo
Call it commercial karma.
Yes, this weekend's games have already been determined by a couple of fabulous commercials that ran repeatedly throughout these crappy playoffs.
The Falcons, led by Mike Vick and his Michael Vick Experience commercial, will face off against the Patriots, whose wonderful Visa victory montage should go down as one of the greatest 30-second spots in the history of boob-tubing.
With all the garbage sports fans are subjected to in between game action - those putrid, incessant Cialis commercials, or that McDonald's piece where the guy explains what a duvet cover is - I see no reason the football gods should ignore the good work done by Vick and the Patriots in their TV ads.
A couple of Super Bowl berths seem like an appropriate reward.
The Eagles? Forget about them. Not only are they looking to snap a string of NFC Championship defeats against the game's most exciting player, but Donovan McNabb's Chunky Soup commercials register a 10-out-of-10 on the Stupid Scale. Did you know he initially had an actress playing his mom, but the fallout was apparently so devastating - we're talking Watergate levels here - that McNabb's real mom now stars in all the new commercials? How could she ever look her son in the face again after that?
If commercial karma is going to play any role in the outcome of this year's NFL season - and what fool doubts it will? - then the Eagles are screwed. They could still have Terrell Owens, and it simply wouldn't be able to overcome this new and powerful way of thinking.
And the Steelers don't even have a commercial on their side. Sure, Plaxico Burress is in those not-too-bad NFL Apparel commercials, but only for a second or two, and he shares screen time with 10 other players.
It doesn't count, so neither do the Steelers.
Let's look back a week for more evidence that commercials are the new deciding factor. Peyton Manning's Mastercard commercial is pretty funny. He cheers on average folks as they do everyday stuff and he's got a hilarious, goofy little smile on his face as he blows an air horn in people's ears.
That piece still has nothing on the Patriots' spot, which showcases NFL intensity better than any scene from "Any Given Sunday."
So who comes out on top in the big game? I still say the Patriots. It's a tough call between their commercial and Vick's, but I say a perfect sports montage wrapped around some great music trumps the exciting inventiveness of the Michael Vick Experience.
Plus, I think their defense can shut down Atlanta's rushing game.
