by Abel Horwitz
Daily Lobo
When I was in kindergarten, the little girls in the classroom would host imaginary tea parties. My role was the husband - the little boy who, in their minds, acted polite and kept out of their way. In my mind, I was the protector, the defeater of evil and, above all, the keeper of what I proudly called the "lifesaver."
Oh yes, my friends, I was Luke Skywalker. It is for this reason I am pained to tell you how much I'm dreading "Episode III."
While I was never the kind of guy to obsessively collect "Star Wars" toys or camp outside of a movie theater for six months just to be the first in line to buy tickets, I do hold a special place in my heart for the original trilogy.
I'm the kind of guy who's loved and cherished the films from the moment I was born. A tear comes to my eye every time I think of Chewbacca's glorious roar at the end of "Episode IV." That's the kind of "Star Wars" fan I am.
However, the last few years haven't been kind to me. I sat confused through the special editions of the original trilogy, wondering if the addition of useless scenes and out-of-place computer graphics improved the films I loved.
But because it was "Star Wars," I sat through them anyway, enjoying my chance to see the movies on the big screen even if Greedo did shoot first. If you don't know what I'm talking about, ask the guy wearing the "Ewoks do it in trees" T-shirt sitting next to you.
The biggest slap in the face came from the new movies.
I find them impossible to watch. Nay, unmentionable. To me they aren't "Star Wars" but rather computer-animated filth wrapped in "Star Wars" clothing. Argue all you want about the pod race sequence or Natalie Portman's acting talent. They're terrible films in every way, shape and form.
My motto has always been "Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me five times - nice try, George Lucas."
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Every addition to the original films was unnecessary and bad. Every promise of a new "Star Wars" film resulted in me losing a little more of my dignity.
This isn't to say I'm not curious or I won't find myself shamefully coming back and giving "Episode III" a chance. After all, with promises of a Wookie army and the birth of Darth Vader, it would be hard for me to stay away.
The difference is this time I'm coming in with low expectations, fully aware that Lucas has insulted his fans' intelligence so many times in the last few years, it's not even worth it to keep count.
So if you find yourself standing in line on May 19, gripping your plastic light saber in one hand and your movie ticket in the other, take a moment to think about all the good times that "Star Wars" has given you over the years. Now think about Jar Jar Binks. Sucks, doesn't it?
