by Lucinda Ulrich
Daily Lobo columnist
Well, it finally happened.
Just as I predicted, a conglomerate dealing solely in variations of brown liquid, affectionately referred to in some circles as "mud," is taking over the world.
That's right, there is now a Starbucks in Zimmerman Library, of all places. The first of its kind, the only Starbucks located in a university library in the country.
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Well, isn't that special. What's next? McDonald's in the Law Library? Eat a Big Mac while you peruse the stacks of periodicals for your research paper in World History?
Coffee, of course, is America's drug of choice. Thank God it's legal or practically every citizen would be behind bars for bean possession or operating a back-alley cappuccino machine. Forget about oil - if America ever has to experience a shortage of caffeine it would be a disaster the likes of which we have never seen. Think "Night of the Living Dead," except instead of brains the zombies would be obsessed with beans.
Without this liquid brain food, our minds would go the way of listless daydreamers, who aren't any closer to the next rung on the corporate ladder than they were last year. Productivity would go down. Mothers would not be able to tend to their children. Families would become even more dysfunctional. Students all over the world would flunk exams, wasting millions of dollars of their and taxpayers' money.
Starbucks is doing the country a valuable service - it could be considered a patriotic act to buy coffee at Starbucks. As driven Americans, ever-chasing the declining dollar, we must continue to suck down the brown stuff at alarming rates. Coffee gives us our edge.
Plus, it turns out this stuff is actually good for you, in moderate amounts, of course. Moderate, a concept many of us raised in a culture baptized in consumerism have problems putting into practice. As an undergrad, I subsisted on constant cups of coffee, a habit I've never really been able to break without incredible, debilitating headaches.
In addition to coffee I am embarrassed to say that I indulged in popping No-Doz. I was younger then, and prone to all-nighters, which were impossible without drinking a gallon of coffee. Older and wiser, I now only sip about three cups throughout the day.
While the White House has acted as if marijuana is the most dangerous drug facing American society, pledging millions of dollars to bust pot dealers and users all across America, caffeine addicts shuffle into coffee shops to hook up with their public and legal drug pushers, commonly referred to as baristas. I don't know about you, but I've never seen a pothead shoot a bunch of people or rob old ladies for weed money - most of the potheads I've known tend to blend into the upholstery on their couches. They are more interested in the latest rerun of "Ren and Stimpy" than picking a fight with somebody.
But caffeine? I've seen people act extremely erratic on a caffeine binge. Who's to say that caffeine consumption isn't to blame for the increased rate of road rage? Caffeine binges, mixed with chronic sleep deprivation, can be a deadly combination, and now we have two, count them, two, dens of ill-repute right here on our beloved campus. Starbucks is taking over the world.
It began as a small coffee shop in Seattle, but like all things unique and alternative, Starbucks had to outgrow its hometown and begin its quest for world domination by going mainstream. Those of us who thought we were going to be forced to learn Chinese in our lifetime now realize we are going to have to become fluent in the language of frappuccino.
I bought an iced Americano right before I wrote this column. What can I say? I know that makes me a hypocrite, but I'm addicted just like everyone else. So repeat after me - "I pledge allegiance to Starbucks, and to the coffee bean, for which it stands, indivisible, with alertness and addictive jitteriness for all. Amen."
