by Katy Knapp
Daily Lobo
I didn't know they made home lobotomy kits.
But A&M Records did in the form of a poorly produced album by the Pussycat Dolls. Their debut - and hopefully only - record was released on Sept. 13, about three months after the single "Don't Cha" first burned holes into our eardrums with incessant radio play.
I listened to this album, ingeniously titled PCD, on the way to Algebra class. While I was later trying to concentrate on functions and domains, "Don't Cha" kept creeping into my thoughts and my central nervous system shut down. All logical thought escaped me and I was almost drawn in to this world of manufactured, silicone pop.
Thankfully my facilities returned shortly thereafter.
The Pussycat Dolls, made up of six burlesque strippers from Los Angeles, may have traded in their fishnets and pasties for short skirts and sheer tops, but that's where the changes end. The majority of the 12 tracks have about as much depth as their spray-on tans.
Producers such as Timbaland, Cee-Lo and Will.i.am from the Black Eyed Peas help the Dolls with the first three tracks of the album, including "Don't Cha," which features Busta Rhymes. After the group couldn't recruit any more big names to help them ruin music as we know it, they started butchering other people's songs.
It's hard to make Donna Summer's "Hot Stuff" any worse than it already is, but the Dolls did it. At least the old version has original beats and orchestration, not to mention good vocals. These chicks make Britney Spears look like Etta James.
The low point of the album is the remake of Soft Cell's classic '80s tune, "Tainted Love/Where Did our Love Go." Who told them this was a good idea? It's like the producer recycled a horrible Cher song and laid some organ music over it, all while some girl whines lyrics.
As with most Top 40 pop albums, there are rare moments of talent hidden in the 12 layers of this crap burrito. The Dolls go back to their roots with the burlesque-inspired tune, "Right Now." The song is reminiscent of something from "Chicago" or "Cabaret," complete with a big band sound, a chorus of background vocals and finger snaps - the works. The Dolls use their best singer, Nicole Scherzinger, and the string and brass arrangement is perfect. They really need to stick to that.
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I'm sure the Pussycat Dolls are talented in their own way. Their burlesque show has been extremely popular. They have invited Christina Aguilera, Carmen Electra and Christina Applegate to join them on stage. Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas (apparently trying to up their cheese factor after giving Celine Dion a nightly show) opened up a Pussycat Dolls Lounge.
But even Carmen Electra and Vegas mob bosses can't save them from this tragedy. The Dolls belong on stage where people can see them, not in the form of digital media. They might be a pleasure to look at, but listening to them could cause aneurisms.
Unfortunately, having big boobs isn't a talent.
