by Samara Alpern
Daily Lobo columnist
People just aren't as romantic as they used to be.
Back in the day, men concocted all kinds of aphrodisiacal rituals and potions to elicit love from women. In North Africa, for example, a man would secretly enrich a beverage for his love interest with semen and sugar. The classic Arab sex tome, The Perfumed Garden, recommended giving the desired lover a pill comprised of, among other things, magpie excrement.
The ancient Greeks, meanwhile, advised a magic ritual involving wax figurines. The female figure was to be posed kneeling, hands bound behind the back, with the male standing over her with a sword at her throat. The names of demons were written on the limbs of the female figurine, and each of these names was to be pierced with a bronze needle with the incantation, "I pierce this limb that she may think of me."
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Now that's amore.
Sadly, these romantic practices are vanished to history - Valentine's Day isn't nearly as entertaining.
A classic aphrodisiac that is still sometimes marketed today is the Spanish fly. In keeping with axiom that aphrodisiacs must be exceedingly weird and gross, the Spanish fly is composed of blister beetles of the Catharis or Mylabris genus, dried and ground into a powder.
Though Spanish fly is probably one of the best-known purported aphrodisiacs, it is also a Schedule I poison that can cause renal failure and death in doses as small as three milligrams. One of the effects of the poison is irritation and inflammation of the urinary tract, symptoms which some desperate fools somehow mistook for sexual arousal. May I suggest buying flowers for your beloved instead of dosing her with Spanish fly.
Other questionable substances still enjoy reputations as aphrodisiacs. The vast majority of these are evolved from the debunked concept of sympathetic magic - that is, a rhinoceros horn resembles an erection, so therefore the horn will summon an erection. Unromantic scientists have since dismissed rhino horn as nothing but fibrous keratinized tissue, similar to hair.
The oyster, however, is another story. This famous aphrodisiac was also long ago rejected as sympathetic magic, but a paper presented to the American Chemical Society last spring suggests there may be more to oysters than evocative salty slickness. Mollusks related to oysters were shown to contain compounds which trigger sex hormone production. The trigger molecules - D-aspartic acid and N-methyl-D-aspartate - stimulate the production of testosterone and estrogen.
The finding is intriguing, but more research is necessary before oysters can reclaim their glorified status as a certified love tonic.
Lately, scientists are looking into other aphrodisiacal properties, such as aroma. Neurologist and psychiatrist Dr. Alan Hirsch has investigated the effect of aromas on penile and vaginal blood flow. Blood surges to genitalia during sexual arousal. The results of his study are surprising, to say the least.
By Hirsch's measure, gentlemen prefer pumpkin pie. The combination of lavender and pumpkin pie aromas, to be precise, was the most powerful stimulant for penile blood flow. The smell of doughnuts also exhibited notable potency.
Women responded - get this - to the aromatic combination of Good 'N Plenty licorice candy and cucumber. That's right.
Good 'N Plenty and cucumber. Believe me, I want to write a joke here, but it's redundant.
With men responding to the smell of doughnuts, and women to cucumber, is it possible that Hirsch is proving there's something to sympathetic magic after all.
Deep-fried desserts and garden vegetables aren't the only aromas that affect human sexual response. Body odor has something to do with it, too.
A recent study from Switzerland asked 49 women to sniff T-shirts worn by sweaty men, asking the women to rate the stinkiness from worst to best. Women tended to like the smell of sweat from men with genotypes most different from their own. The researchers conjecture that people with different genotypes are likely to have different immunological strengths, and offspring from the mating of diverse genotypes will inherit these varied strengths. Lest we forget - as so many do this time of year - as far as nature is concerned, the whole point of sex is to sustain the species by making babies, and the healthier the better.
Despite the public's longstanding appetite for effective aphrodisiacs, science continues to offer little. One obstacle is the fact that sexual desire, especially in women, is a difficult thing to measure objectively. Men's desire is a little easier to quantify, thanks to anatomy. Hence, the main contribution science has made to needful lovers is Viagra, a drug few college students have use for yet.
This Valentine's Day, be the savviest suitor in town and show up at your sweetheart's door with an armful of Good 'N Plenty, cucumbers, mollusks and dirty laundry.
You'll win her over in a heartbeat.
