by Joe Buffaloe
Daily Lobo
The wait is finally over.
After hitting theaters last Friday, we can now see if "Snakes on a Plane" lives up to the hype.
In porno, the acting and plot aren't so important, and the same could be said for "Snakes on a Plane." But instead of sex - featured in only one scene, unfortunately - it has snakes; on a plane; biting people; a lot. Don't expect this movie to take home any Oscars, but if you consider scenes without snakes biting people a waste of time, you'll be satisfied.
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Taking its plot right out of the studio's archives, "Snakes" begins with an innocent, motocross-loving teenager witnessing a murder by an infamous Hawaii mafia leader. Within 10 minutes of screen time, this results in him having to take a plane to Los Angeles with federal agent Samuel L. Jackson in order to testify. The teenager's purpose served, he pretty much disappears for the rest of the movie.
The film makes a half-hearted attempt to introduce a few characters in the following scenes - "Good Burger" star Kenan Thompson and Saturday Night Live cast member David Koechner both show up for some reason. But the makers of this movie have their priorities straight, and without wasting much time, they unleash a horde of deadly snakes hopped up on pheromones on the passengers.
At times, the CGI looks a little phony, but for the most part the special effects designers get a thumbs up for the snakes. If "Anaconda" set your standard for computer-animated snakes, then you'll probably be impressed.
There are plenty of snakes to go around - be it red snakes, blue snakes, big snakes or little snakes, they're all present. And good for them - I'm sick of seeing all those anorexic snakes from the magazines that look just the same.
Some bite people, and some choke them. Some make people foam at the mouth, and some give them hands the size of watermelons. The filmmakers don't hold back on their screen time either. For gore fans of the snake-bite persuasion, this movie won't let you down.
Samuel L. Jackson gives a standard Jackson performance, holding out the cheer-eliciting line about being sick of all the blank-blank snakes on the blank-blank plane until the moment of maximum impact. It's definitely going to go down as one of his coolest lines ever.
The rest of the performances probably could have been cut and pasted from past airplane movies. Every clichÇ of the genre is here, including a crying little kid on his first flight ever, a couple on its honeymoon, a celebrity going crazy because he's forced to sit in coach, a wise-cracking scientist on the ground preparing antidotes, a heroic emergency landing by a passenger and a romantic interest developing between Jackson and a stewardess, played by "E.R." veteran Julianna Margulies.
You have to commend the movie for its efficiency. It burns through these almost mandatory elements with as little attention and interest as possible. They are not the important part of the movie. If they were, the title would have been "Annoying People Crying on a Plane."
But it's not. The movie is called "Snakes on a Plane," and if that's a promise, it delivers.
