It's been nearly a month since I've written a column. And I will now take the time to go on an Isaac-is-burning-like-Jim-Rome rant.
In particular, I couldn't believe the comments and circumstances that have arisen for two athletes, both of them from New York.
Stephon Marbury - No matter what medical professionals proclaim, there is one type of cancer that is particularly incurable: Stephon Marbury.
Some of Marbury's comments make me wonder if New York has a public relations department:
"(My teammates) left me out for dead," Marbury said told the New York Post. "It's like we're in a foxhole and I'm facing the other way. If I got shot in the head, at least you want to get shot by the enemy. I got shot in the head by my own guys in my foxhole. And they didn't even give me an honorable death."
Stephon, you're not an American hero - you're not Pat Tillman. You didn't get killed by friendly fire. You're a fake who's out of place in a foxhole.
Get content from The Daily Lobo delivered to your inbox
The thing is, Marbury is so unconscious of his situation in New York that he fails to recognize the hole he's in. It isn't a foxhole. The reason your teammates "shot" you, Stephon, is because the hole you speak of is actually your own grave. You're dead in the eyes of your teammates, in the eyes of the fans and in the eyes of Mike D'Antoni. And the best way to get rid of dead weight is to cut the rope.
Plaxico Burress - As I'm sure we are all aware, Plaxico "Cheddar Bob" Burress has progressed from figuratively shooting himself in the foot - with bonehead decisions such as ranting and getting fined about officiating - to literally shooting himself in the thigh.
You know what? I found it downright appalling how many columns were written in the last week poking fun at Burress' situation. The man could have seriously injured himself and jeopardized his career.
Wait, he did.
Therefore, I am morally obligated to pile on and add another joke to the ever-increasing list of Plax lore. If only Plax had put on his flak, he wouldn't be in this predicament.
Although this scenario is unsubstantiated, I get a vivid mental image of Burress grinding on some girl in that fated nightclub. The girl is so bad at dancing that she causes Burress' semi-auto to cock, thus accidentally depositing a round into his thigh.
I'm still trying to figure out who is more of a cancer to their organization. As of right now, I'm conflicted.
Let's try to make some sense out of this.
Both teams - the Knicks and the Giants - are doing better without their estranged "stars." The Giants are 11-2 - 2-1 without Burress - and the Knicks are hovering just below .500 at 9-11.
The Macrophenomenal Pro Basketball Almanac, compiled by FreeDarko.com, has empirical evidence suggesting Marbury is detrimental to New Yorkers' health.
For any organization Marbury was a part of, that team's win total increased to plus 49 the year after his departure. Furthermore, in a team's first season with Marbury, its win totals depreciated by 31 games, giving Marbury an overall cancer effect of 80.
At least Burress caught the game-winning touchdown pass in last year's Super Bowl before sharply slipping into oblivion.
So, ladies and gentlemen, I give you your winner, and still undisputed champion of the world, Stephon "I Make Cigarettes Seem Healthy" Marbury.
Somewhere Alex "Pacman" Rodriguez -a name earned by swallowing himself and turning into a ghost come playoff time - is thanking God for these two monumental failures.
