In the last column I wrote, I mentioned the large number (25 percent) of women who never orgasm during sex.
While doing some research for this column, I was surprised to come across letters online at a great Web site called KinseyConfidential.org. The letters were from men and women discussing the different ways in which men can’t have orgasms.
In 1998, a study done by researcher I. Goldstein estimated that 30 million men in the U.S. suffer from erectile dysfunction to some degree. Older men are more likely to experience ED, but it happens to men of all ages.
I’ve had sexual partners in the past who have experienced some sort of erectile dysfunction, and have had many friends tell me the same thing. So, what I’m trying to say is that it happens more often than you’d think, and if you’re affected by ED, dwelling on it probably won’t help you because it will just stress you out even more.
(That brings me to another point about having good, healthy sex: Stress plays a big role in ability to orgasm, for both men and women. Stress from work, family, relationships, friends or school can slow you down. So having less homework might improve your sex life in more ways than one.)
After reviewing information about all of the different sexual dysfunctions that affect men, such as erectile dysfunction and performance anxiety, I have come up with some simple advice that may help you out.
Sexual dysfunction every now and then is pretty common in men, but you can possibly overcome it without medication, because a big part of the problem is all in your head — not in your body. Recognizing that it happens to a lot of people should be the first step in taking some of the pressure off.
Performance anxiety can be a vicious sexual cycle of having anxiety about sex and having anxiety about talking to your partner about your anxiety.
Once again, communication and understanding with your partner are probably two of the most important things to practice if you find yourself having trouble achieving or maintaining an erection, or if you have trouble coming.
Speaking of coming, let’s move on to the fun parts of male orgasm.
For men, foreplay is probably not as necessary as it is for women, but it does serve as a great way to “warm up.” A lot of men are accustomed to just masturbating until they come. Men often don’t have a clear sense of timing or understand how to help someone else come. Foreplay and building up to sex will help a man control his ejaculation, which will inevitably help his partner come, too.
Now, there are good things to be said about “lasting longer,” but (and maybe this is just me) there is such a thing as having sex for too long. After a while, it starts to hurt, at least on the vaginal side of things. So keep in touch with your partner about how they’re feeling if you’ve been going at it for a while.
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We should all help ourselves by helping our sexual partners. During foreplay, there are a couple of specific areas that should be focused on. I’ve heard from various men in my life that a tender touch to certain places can work wonders.
The frenulum, which is the big vein-looking thing on the underside of the penis, is not technically a vein. It’s a very sensitive strip of tissue that runs from the underside of the tip of the penis to the scrotum. Stimulation of that area during oral sex has been said to be great.
Another tip that I found subtly placed in a textbook called Human Sexuality In A World Of Diversity was the importance of the right amount of testicular stimulation. Not too much, but a little somethin’-somethin’ every once in a while might feel good, depending on your partner’s preferences. But some men really don’t like having their “twins jiggled,” so you might want to ask first.
Anal play can also be enjoyable, because men’s “g-spots” are in their prostates. But that’s a topic for next week’s column.
All in all, when it comes to sex itself, assuming sexual dysfunction isn’t involved, it can be pretty easy to please a man. Being receptive and communicating what feels good will help guide your partner into working out what feels best for both parties.
Contracting kegel muscles (the muscles you use to stop peeing mid-stream), in both women and men, can help enhance sensations during intercourse. Men who practice kegel exercises can better control their ejaculation, and therefore “last longer.”
So, while you’re sitting in class or in traffic, contract and release your kegels for as long as you can and keep repeating that every day.
My final word on sexual dysfunction: sometimes shit happens (or doesn’t happen), and you aren’t alone. People deal with sexual dysfunction in many ways, and communicating between partners is probably a good start. You can also seek professional help from a sex therapist.
