The iPad is going to ruin humanity.
For those out of the loop, the iPad is Apple’s newest product, commonly referred to as a tablet. Besides all the awful jokes emerging from the old Mad TV sketch based on Apple’s newest device, the iPad has more then just its name wrong. The iPad is yet another Apple product designed for Apple users already in love with the brand. And this product proves to be the most useless and overblown of Apple products yet. Not just that, but the new iPad will kill you.
The iPad is an iPhone that can’t make phone calls, record voice, lacks a webcam and has no USB port. A lack of standard features is normal in first generation models, but, whatever, it can’t run Adobe Flash. To its credit, it does feature a larger screen, greater hard drive capacity and higher performance capabilities than the iPhone. Basically, it walks the line between a smart phone and a laptop priced at $500 to $700 based on how much hard drive you’re looking for.
So, how do I see the iPad ruining your life? The cult of Steve Jobs in their zip-up hoodies and distressed jeans are chilling at Winnings and surfing the Internet for the latest gadgets and playing with novel, delectable apps on the iPad. Between sips of espresso and exaggerated Internet browsing that calls for attention, they lean over to the person closest to them and say, “Hey, have you seen this thing? Seriously, it’s like a smart phone but better.” And their fellow cult member responds, “Yeah, man. I heard the processing on that thing is intense. It’ll be perfect for when I am not browsing on my iPhone or MacBook!.”
While this behavior is fine and good in Apple hot spots, it is when this behavior spreads to non-approved Apple havens. Scenario A: Steve Jobs’ cult member with iPad in the lower floor of the SUB types on the digital keyboard, pats himself on the shoulder for his smart buy, and then leans over to the nearest person. “Hey man,” he says grasping the nearby person’s shoulder, “Look how awesome this is.” Nearby person: “Yeah, that’s kind of cool, but I have things to do.” Cult Member: “No, seriously, look at this thing, look — this app burns fat! This one will make you happy because it says so! Is that cool or what?” Nearby person: “No.”
The Steve Jobs fan leaves in a huff rapidly tapping on the iPad, looking for an app that comes up with clever comebacks, but the conflict doesn’t end there. The situation is repeated a thousand times over until the non-iPad and iPad owners can’t stand the sight of each other. War erupts when the iPad begins functioning as a remote, and the Apple cult constantly changes the channel of public televisions to Fuse TV. So everyone’s pissed off, and centuries of conflict ensue and the human race ends with an atomic bomb app which is accidentally set off by an Apple fan when he meant to hit the tuning app for his acoustic guitar. It isn’t the worst way to go, and at least it’s not based on religious conflict. Thank you Apple.
Maybe the iPad won’t be the start of our apocalypse, but the issue remains, the divide between Apple users and everyone else continues to grow. Even non-Apple users can agree the products produced by the fruity company are innovative and attention grabbing. I myself had a bit of a nerd-gasm every time I saw a commercial for the iPhone — it was novel at the time. The idea of watching films, finding restaurants and then calling the restaurant with one device was unbelievable. Now it’s commonplace. The iPad fails to impress because everything it offers has been offered before and more effectively. The Kindle is already the go-to e-reader device and apps were pioneered on the iPod touch and iPhone, so the release of the iPad leaves something to be desired. I suppose one could argue for the enhanced processing on the iPad. But if a person is after processing, why not buy a laptop with faster processing and a webcam?
The real question here is why do you need an unwieldy tablet that won’t fit in your pocket and can’t match the capabilities of a laptop of the same size and price?
Apple is about capturing the public’s eye with cheap gimmicks that lose their novelty. Why else are the iPod Nano and Shuffle redesigned on a yearly basis? And that’s fine if the Apple users want to toss their money away into a big gaping hole that funds newer gimmicks and less practical products. How many times do you think it has to be dropped before it is broken? I am sick of hearing about the latest and greatest product from Apple, especially when that product has been done before and with greater success.
