Campus Briefs

*April Fools’ disclaimer
April Fools’ comes once a year, fools.
Today’s paper is full of satire, nonsense and non sequiturs.
Read up, drink up, shut up, play hard.
For entertainment purposes only.*

Campus Briefs

UNM Student still doing that thing with his tongue

In what area observers are calling “unsettling,” “awkward,” and “just perverse,” the guy in the SUB is still doing that thing with his tongue.
“It’s just so weird,” student Melanie Tan said. “It’s like he’s licking his lips, but then I don’t understand why he’s making that slurping noise then. I mean, like, doesn’t he hear what he’s doing? Gross.”
According to witnesses, the guy has been doing the tongue thing for the last half hour or so. Many observers have either plugged in their iPod or have moved altogether to the second floor or the Duck Pond.
“I really just can’t stand it anymore!” Tan said before plunging her fingers into her ears and dashing away.
The tongue thing, which seems to be a combination of a licking of the lips, or maybe a folding of the tongue, but then where would the popping sound be coming from then, continues to baffle the people around him. When questioned he merely replied,
“Hey man, why’s everyone staring at me?”

Fucking Day that Couldn’t Get Any Fucking Worse Just Somehow Got Fucking Worse

A day too fucking unbelievably awful to be true just somehow got worse for student Marshall Donuhue due to a misplaced cell phone probably left in Dane Smith Hall.
“Fuck, I just don’t understand why this would happen today,” Donuhue exclaimed while patting down his pockets for the fifth time. “I already got in a fender bender, and forgot my paper at home, and then Sheila’s all weird today, too.”
Donuhue says he probably left the “damn thing” in the communications class after his pants snagged on the corner of a desk.
“It’s like God just doesn’t fucking care,” he said.
At time of the interview Donuhue was gearing up to head over to Dane Smith from the Kiva when a negligent passerby bumped into him and spilled red cola all over his brand new white button-up shirt from the GAP.
“Oh, fuck me with a broom,” Donuhue wailed. “You’re going to pay for that, buddy!”
Donuhue was later reported waiting in the UNMPD holding cell with a black eye, torn shirt and, now, a missing set of keys.

Frats donate Polo shirts,
sunglasses to homeless

Sunday morning — Local fraternities descended upon downtown Albuquerque with boxes filled with cherry and silver polo shirts.
Local frat member going by “Chaz” said this was the frat’s way of really giving back to the community.
“Yo, you know, there are just some folks. Quit it, Chad!” he said while jostling with another frat member to talk into the recorder. “Yeah, I guess not everyone can live in the house, you know what I mean.”
And, voila, the polo idea was born. Chaz said if the homeless couldn’t live in a frat house, then they could at least dress right.
“You know, it’s really all about the look when you get right down to it, anyway.” he said before pulling a polo over the head of a homeless man.
Chaz then unbends the collar and pops it up.
“Perfect, now you’re a real broski,” he said.
The frats then distributed sunglasses among the crowd, warning that you never wear them to protect against the sun, but on the back of your head for extra style.

Periodista no puede
escribir en Español

Una periodista del periodico “El Daily Lobo” todavía no puede escribir bien en español.
Andrew Beale, quién escribía por el periodico desde hace dos años, dijo que quería mejorar su español, para poder escribir articulos en la idioma.
« No comprendo nada de la forma de subjuntivo,» lamentó. « Ojalá que puedo encontrar amigos latino americanos para ayudarme aprender. »
Beale debó usar el subjuntivo en ésta oración.
«Ya puedo leer español muy bien, pero no estoy perfecto en escribir, » explicó.
Beale tomaba tres años de clases de español, y intenta tomar más.
«A veces, estoy desanimado con mis abilidades en español », Beale dijo. «Pero cuando pienso esto, entonces recuerdo que puedo escribir en español mejor que la mayor parte de la gente norte americano puede escribir en íngles.»