Tea Party protest

*April Fools’ disclaimer
April Fools’ comes once a year, fools.
Today’s paper is full of satire, nonsense and non sequiturs.
Read up, drink up, shut up, play hard.
For entertainment purposes only.*

I’m a little teapot,
Short and stout,
Here is my handle. 
Here is my spout. 
When I get all steamed up,
The bubbles of hate and heat rise violently within me.
The pain is overwhelming.
I squeal a glottal banshee bleat,
A piercing massacre of my state of matter … of my soul.

We are all familiar with this teenage emo, diary poetry version of the nursery song “I’m a little tea pot,” but until last Wednesday never has the boiling point it describes been so real.

Among a few friends, six-year-old host and fairy princess Sally Peterson’s afternoon gathering in Roosevelt Park was interrupted when a group began an anti-tax demonstration in the middle of her tea party.

“They came out of nowhere,” said Sally, with fear in her eyes and pastry jelly still fresh on her face. “I seriously thought these things were over and that we as a nation had collectively moved on to the health care debate.”

The protesters convened as part of the ongoing Tea Party movement, in which fiscal conservatives assemble to demonstrate their constitutional right to assemble in cities throughout the nation.

Caught by surprise, Sally’s soiree scattered as the other Tea Party began its two hour-long rally event. DJ Schmidles Platypus, one of Sally’s closest imaginary friends and a fan of Celestial Seasons variety teas got away unscathed, yet others were not so lucky. The event turned violent as the protesters specifically sought out one of Sally’s guests, her porcine puppet friend Hampton Koshert. Not only was the pig psychically manhandled, most likely in the ol’ puppet hole, but he was also verbally berated with accusations of being a proponent for governmental pork spending.

“Things have gone too far,” said Sally’s lawyer Theodore Beryl, a plush bear with no pants. He intends to make the Tea Party pay.
“This injustice will not go unanswered,” he said. “The overwhelming shreds of evidence of the emotional damages inflicted on my client are equal to the lack of threads of pants I won’t be wearing when I present my case to the jury.”

This Tea Party craze that has taken the country by storm shows little sign of decline. Chester Worthington is a “teabagging” expert and founder of the Distinguished Gentlemen’s Nut Sack and Tea Bag Connoisseurs, a male-only organization where many men gather in order to, let’s assume, eat salty snacks and drink hot beverages together. He attributes the recent popularity of these occurrences to a more adventurous national taste. However, because of his thick British accent and tongue piercings, his interview statements remain largely unintelligible, something about “a stimulus package” and “really letting your bag steep to get the most intense, robust flavor.”
As the dust settles, Sally is trying to move on from the devastation.

“I seriously thought the Mad Hatter was as crazy as tea parties got, but I clearly had not met these people,” she said.
Her last tea party will be held Friday, a small candle-light vigil entitled “An Oolong So Long,” where she will speak out against the Tea Parties and commemorate the bravery and memory of Wednesday’s victims.

“From now on,” she says, “I think I’ll stick to playing with my doll house.”