Being broke sucks on Valentine’s Day.
As adults, we have to realize digging a half-eaten Snickers from between the couch cushions just isn’t going to cut it anymore — I don’t care if that’s what your dad got your mom for their anniversary three years in a row.
The Daily Lobo is proud to present three great, free Valentine’s Day ideas. Keep in mind that some of these ideas could actually become quite expensive if you factor in your bail bond.
Sex in a public place
This is sure to rejuvenate your boring sex life, because, after all, what’s more romantic than getting down in the bathroom of a Carl’s Jr.? Remember, the grosser and more public, the sexier.
You can mix the two — a sewage drain is plenty gross, but there’s really no chance anyone else is going to come down there.
On the flip side, if you do it in your own front yard, the whole neighborhood will be sure to notice, but your yard probably isn’t sufficiently dirty, unless you live in the student ghetto. Ideal spot: a McDonald’s kitchen at lunchtime. Completely disgusting and filled with people.
Robbing a jewelry store
We know — you’re reading a free student newspaper, which means you’re too poor to afford a copy of the Albuquerque Journal, so you can just forget about hitting the Uptown Shopping Center to pick up something shiny for your sweetheart.
So, just steal something.
Much like sex in public, the thrill comes from the chance of getting caught, but the advantage of robbing a jewelry store is that you’ll have a perfect Valentine’s Day diamond necklace to give to your true love afterward. Or, if shopping for a guy, stick up a Game Stop. Either way.
Yeah, your Valentine’s Day is going to suck. Accept it. You’re broke, and you’re a slob, and assuming you go to UNM, you also lack a basic education. But there are other people who are having nice Valentine’s Days. You can alleviate some of your personal misery by heading out with your girl/guy friend and watching these other people.
Get some binoculars to safely see into people’s windows from a distance, especially if you plan on observing a sex life that’s better than your own.
Remember that most people having good Valentine’s Days in New Mexico are probably doing it in Santa Fe. If you’re willing to hide in the bathroom the whole way, you can get there for free on the Rail Runner — and while you’re in there, remember that it’s gross and public enough for some seriously hot sex.