My girlfriend and I moved in together last semester. We both go to school and both work, but we’re not making enough money to keep up. It has been really stressful, and lately she has gotten all hostile and moody. She stalks around, sulks and glares like she’s mad at me. I’m struggling on the inside with the same things she is, but none of that seems to matter to her. I don’t need her moods on top of everything else. Do you have any advice?
Signed,
Maxed-Out Man
Dear Maxed-Out Man,
Financial stressors are the worst. Money puts major strain on people and relationships. First, know that you are not alone. Far from it. Money is the top item on most couples’ fight menu.
Lashing out in anger is a common reaction to shared stress, although not a useful one. It sounds like you are both angry. My advice is to get beneath the anger. I’ll explain.
Anger has its roots in fear most of the time. Your girlfriend is probably scared.
She might be afraid that you’ll run out of money and lose the place you live. She might be afraid of losing you. It’s hard to face our own fears. It’s much easier to get mad at someone else.
Her behavior, the way you describe it, does look like she is angry with you, but it is possible that something else entirely is going on.
Maybe she feels guilty that she’s not doing enough to help, or worried about her sick grandfather, or ticked off at her lab partner. You can’t always tell what is inside someone by looking at the outside.
Imagine this scenario:
You’re worried about your financial situation. You scowl as you’re walking past a friend on campus, and you don’t say hello. Your friend might decide that you are mad at him for something, or he might get mad at you for what he sees as rude behavior. Whereas in truth you didn’t even see him, and the scowl was all about your own internal worry.
It is easy to misinterpret others’ actions and words.
Back to your girlfriend. When she stalks and glares, she might just be expressing her own inner stress. You won’t know unless you ask her, and you won’t be able to ask her until you can get beyond your own defenses.
When she acts this way, you might feel attacked. Your natural animal impulse is going to be to fight back. But we’re better than animals, right? Or so we were taught in elementary school biology. We can rise above our instincts and apply logic and compassion.
I’d encourage you to take a breath and try to look beneath her anger. Let go of your immediate defense reaction, and just think about what she might be feeling inside. If you can imagine the frightened child inside the hostile woman, you can probably find some compassion for her. If you can find compassion, and respond to her from that place, it will soften the whole interaction, which is a good thing.
You complain about her moods. I would remind you that her moods are just that — hers. Whatever is going on inside her, it is far more to do with her than with you or anyone else. Try not to take her anger personally, even if she’s flinging it at you like daggers.
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It’s her anger, not yours. You can choose your own response.
Look at your own feelings. You are angry at her for being angry at you. Perhaps there is fear in you, too. What if everything falls apart and you lose her? Or maybe you feel overwhelmed, inadequate and frustrated. Try to get beneath your own anger and irritation. What is going on for you? What are you feeling?
Look at your own behavior. What are you doing? What is she seeing on the outside of you? Are you perhaps sulking and glaring, too? Again, it is always easier to see and criticize others than to do that with ourselves.
You might be doing things that add stress to the situation. Be honest with yourself. You might be able to make some changes in your own behavior that will smooth things between you.
Think about sharing your feelings with her.
If you are scared, and you tell her so, then she can see your frightened child in turn. You can comfort each other, and, although that doesn’t change the situation, you’ll be able to deal with it better if you have each other’s love and support.
Focus on your own feelings when it comes to expressing yourself.
When we get angry, many of us blame the object of our anger for our own feelings, and feel free to tell them what they are doing wrong. This is not to say that anger is never appropriate, but just to encourage you to take responsibility for your feelings. If you are tempted to lash out at her, take a breath and look inward, under the anger.
If you can’t see anything but anger, try just expressing it as, “I feel really angry,” rather than, “You screwed up!” You will have a more successful conversation if you own up to your own feelings and start there, rather than with an attack.
Take a breath. Look beneath the surface. Identify your own feelings and share them honestly. Find compassion for her and for yourself. Do what you can to ease the situation. You are in this together, so you might as well be allies. And if you are ever at a loss for words, try a hug. It works wonders.
Peggy Spencer has been a UNM Student Health physician for 20 years. E-mail your questions to her directly at pspencer@unm.edu. All questions will be considered, and all questioners will remain anonymous. This column has general health information only and cannot replace a visit to a health provider.
