“Holding on to anger is like grasping a hot coal with the intent of throwing it at someone else; you are the one who gets burned.”
-Hindu Prince Gautama Siddhartha, aka The Buddha, 563-483 B.C.E.
This is National Random Acts of Kindness week, kicked off by Valentine’s Day. Everyone is smiling, opening doors and handing out hugs and chocolates. Want to join in and do something kind?
Try forgiving someone who has hurt you. Not only will you feel better, your health will benefit as well. “Forgiveness has a way of cutting through anger, anxiety and depression, and restoring emotional health,” according to Robert Enright, Ph.D., psychologist and academic pioneer in the study of forgiveness.
There are whole forgiveness institutes and projects designed to foster and spread this charitable act for the betterment of individuals and society. See, for example, TheForgivenessProject.com What does it mean to forgive someone Forgiveness is not the same as condoning, excusing, forgetting or even necessarily reconciling with the offender.
When you forgive an offense, that doesn’t mean you are saying what happened was okay. It doesn’t mean you forget about it or pretend it didn’t happen. It does mean that you decide you are not going to obsess about the event or the person, and that you are not going to let the story of the painful event play constantly in your mental background and ruin your peace of mind.
By forgiving, you refuse to let anger and resentment prevail. As a result, you feel happier and calmer. It is about healing yourself. Fred Luskin, director and cofounder of the Stanford University Forgiveness Project, has written a wonderful book titled “Forgive for Good.” In it he describes how sometimes when we get hurt, we end up holding onto the hurt or anger and getting stuck in a place of unhappiness and resentment that is unhealthy. He believes that this happens for the following reasons: We took something too personally.
Much as we might like to, we can’t control what other people do, and usually what they do is far more about them than about us. If we acknowledge this, then what others do is less likely to harm us. We continue to blame the other person for how bad we continue to feel. If we choose to keep thinking about what happened, to dwell on it and let it get us down, that is our own responsibility.
They hurt us, yes, but we control our own minds and thoughts, and we have great power to shape our own experience. We created a grievance story. This is our wounded version of events, in which usually someone else is entirely responsible for our experience. We are the injured and helpless victim.
We tell this story to anyone who will listen, most of all to ourselves, over and over, like a broken record. And like a broken record, it keeps us from moving forward in the music.
Luskin defines forgiveness as “the feeling of peace that emerges as you take a hurt less personally, take responsibility for how you feel and become a hero instead of a victim in the story you tell.” He recommends evicting the renters in your head that are taking up so much real estate, and he describes some simple and proven methods for helping move past the hurt.
If you are having trouble forgiving someone in your life, I recommend his book. I said you’d be healthier if you forgive.
It turns out a “change of heart” is exactly that. Letting go of resentment and anger lowers blood pressure and pulse, decreases the physiologic stress responses and frees up more positive emotions. Not only that, forgivers sleep better, are more energetic, have fewer physical symptoms and use fewer medications.
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So do it for your health, if for no other reason.
Finally, don’t forget your own flawed self when you are looking for people to pardon. Self-forgiveness can be the hardest of all, but admit it: Nobody is perfect. You do your best, and sometimes you mess up. Welcome to the human race.
So while you’re handing out hugs this week, lay one right where it counts — on your own sweet heart.
“A wise man will make haste to forgive, because he knows the true value of time,and will not suffer it to pass away in unnecessary pain.”
-Samuel Johnson, English author and scholar, 1709-1784
Dr. Peggy Spencer is a student-health physician. She is also the co-author of “50 ways to leave your 40s.” Email your questions directly to her at pspencer@unm.edu. All questions will be considered anonymous, and all questioners will remain anonymous. This column has general health information and cannot replace a trip to a health provider.
