Editor,
Could I ever know myself or the other person or the future well enough to know for sure that we both will do well with only each other until death? I aim to tell the truth and not to make foolish promises.
Many years ago, as a preacher, I performed marriage ceremonies. I was a groomsman for some friends’ marriages. I attended many weddings.
I have been in love with certain men. I treasure mutually passionate romance with those men, but I do not want to be caged or to cage any man in a relationship for life. Like many people, I am able to be openly, honestly and deeply in love with more than one person. If he and I part, I do not want him to sue me and I do not want to sue him.
Marriage partners often take each other for granted and slack off from exercise and staying healthy. They often turn for comfort to booze, junk food or to buying crap no one needs.
Married couples often hold each other back and use each other as an excuse not to change and not to grow. Blaming the other, one says, “I cannot stop eating meat or junk food, because (s)he has that stuff here and I cannot resist eating it.” One says, “I would live simply in a much smaller home and I would stop paying federal income tax for war, but (s)he refuses to change.”
Marriage partners often act as if they own each other. They try to control each other and get insanely jealous. I am a fool when I try to make someone fall in love with me or stay in love with me.
Some people may do best with only one romantic partner for life, but even they would be wise never to pledge themselves to only each other romantically until death. As the days and years pass, they can check if they both are doing well in their monogamous relationship.
Some people have their No. 1 romantic relationship with one person for decades, but also enjoy close friendship and pleasurable sex with other persons and do it openly and honestly.
Some people are able to be deeply in love with two or more persons at the same time for years and do it openly and honestly with little or no jealousy.
The rule of no sex for couples outside their marriage often breeds lies, cover-ups, boredom, heavy frustration and violent jealousy.
Marriage often becomes a duel instead of a duet. My parents might have been much better friends had they never married. Marriage destroys many friendships. Many couples become better friends after divorce. My parents were not a good match. If I had been my mother, I do not know how I could have coped being married to my dad. If I had been my dad, I do not know how I could have coped being married to my mother.
Get content from The Daily Lobo delivered to your inbox
They were married 48 years until my mother died. Much of the time, their marriage was a war of words, hurt feelings and rage. My mother needed, wanted and was capable of much deeper intimacy than my dad gave her or perhaps was able to give her.
I learned from my mother and dad not to stay in a rotten marriage, making each other miserable. Far worse than having no romantic companion is feeling trapped by a vow to someone I do not want to be with, or to someone who does not want to be with me: A solemn vow I refuse to make to anyone.
I understand people in love wanting to celebrate that with their families and other friends, but I have decided from now on not to attend marriage ceremonies where two persons pledge themselves to only each other romantically until death.
Don Schrader
Daily Lobo reader
