I wonder if any of our spirited online commentators might be interested in a job that rewards their passion. Do you care to join the Daily Bonobo and rattle off your opinions in exchange for bananas?

It’s true, the job is not a brag-worthy boon in terms of payment. UNM students can be paid $15 per column if they are taking at least six credit hours. But there is a bonus: You can stalk your column’s web page the day it’s printed and endure the barrage of bashing sure to ensue. That is, if people bother to read what you’ve poured your soul into. Unfortunately, faculty, staff and community members cannot be paid.

Can I entice you with benefits other than money, or have you completely submitted to the will of capitalist society?

Yes, the job seems to be made for masochists, but sadists have flourished here as well. People with all manner of mental and emotional ailments are liberated once they exorcise their aggression. Think of all the money you might waste on a therapist for the sanity you could’ve maintained for free. Sure, you aren’t handsomely rewarded for your Nobel-prize worthy work, but one try is all it takes to be addicted to the rush.

I was a neurotic mess before I had an outlet for my maniacal machinations. While speed-walking home down Central Avenue each day, my mind rages at the slightest of slights. “Girl, look up from your iPhone, you almost ran into me.” “Oh excuse me Mr. SUV, I thought you might have checked for pedestrians before your ripped onto the street.” “Pardon me, O mighty bicyclist, the eyes in the back of my head have gone blind. You’re right, it’s my fault, I totally should’ve stepped aside for you.” Jackasses, left and right.

Writing columns is a relief rivaled only by the time I pummeled a car with a sledgehammer at the UNM Homecoming Car Smash in October. Unlike the inane smashing of innocent objects, column writing lets you publicly rip into the people who could stand to learn from what you have to say. We don’t care if your views are Republican, Libertarian, Tea Party or Mad Hatter. Contrary to popular opinion, our paper does not promote a liberal agenda.

Never mind our convenient location one block from the Albuquerque Peace and Justice Center, as one online commentator astutely pointed out.

The only thing that we ask is that you don’t submit racist material. That means you, user “Zoe Noel.” If you are unsure of whether your material is racist, send it to us and we’ll clear things up.

Please send your submission(s) to opinion@dailylobo.com, and indicate whether you’re a student, faculty, staff or community member. You should also include your first and last name and contact information.