This past weekend, fraternities at the University of New Mexico gathered at a summit on Johnson Field to sign a non-hazing pledge.
Brothers vowed to hold each other accountable and never again subject initiates to the cruel and unusual punishments that come with joining their organizations (wink).
The men participating in the on-campus frats gathered unsupervised to conduct a meeting to write and sign the pledge; a passerby reported hearing gales of laughter from the gathering group.
In recent months, fraternities have faced mounting pressure by administrators to improve their organizational ethics. While brainstorming ideas for the subject, they ate edibles and came up with an idea they thought “might be funny,” resulting in the pledge’s creation, according to Chad Trey, frat brother and reformed hazer.
“With this pledge, we hereby vow to never haze any initiate again,” Trey said. “We pledge to never pull up beside them in rented vans, grab them, blindfold them and drive them out to the lake where we’ll hold them underwater for as long as possible before they pass out. We also won’t make them fight each other immediately afterward, and definitely not nude — that’s just not something we’d do.”
The pledge was read and approved by the National Organization of Hazing, led by graduates of Pi Kappa Alpha, who did a very good job at keeping a straight face while they oversaw the proceedings.
“We think that this will keep the nice young men on track,” said a spokesperson for the NOH, who claimed to remember something funny at the same time he was speaking. “And maybe help all people see that frats are safe for everyone, including little wimpy twerps who can’t take a joke.”
The fraternities on campus have faced intense scrutiny over misbehavior and are tired of going to court — police reports “harsh their vibe,” Trey said.
“We are the sweetest and hottest and richest guys on campus,” Trey said. “And we’re committed to diversity or ethics or whatever. So even though it’s our right as the sweetest, hottest, richest guys to blow off steam by hitting golf balls off of freshmans' stomachs, we’re giving that up — for America.”
Fraternities are safe and are made to unite no specific types of men, according to Trey. In the days since the signing, campus fraternities have seen an increase in recruitment among dorks — a development Trey calls “exciting.”
“Since we stopped forcing inductees to do backflips off of buildings we have had less injuries,” Trey said. “That’s gotta count for something. And these losers see that.”
Next week, they’re set to sign a document of support for catcalling victims, which they swear is not ironic.
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Miyawni Curtis is a freelance reporter at the Daily Lobo. She can be contacted at email@example.com or on Twitter @MiyawniCurtis
Miyawni Curtis is a senior reporter at the Daily Lobo and served as the Summer 2023 news editor. She can be contacted on Twitter @MiyawniCurtis