New Mexico Daily Lobo
URL: http://www.dailylobo.com/index.php/article/2010/03/axe_the_apocalypse_in_an_orgy
Current Date: Wed, 16 May 2012 10:31:39 -0600
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Axe: The apocalypse in an orgy
Guys, Axe makes girls want to play with your balls.
It wasn’t clear enough with the commercial of a woman writhing around underneath leather covers. Or women biting large chunks off a chocolate man’s arm because he smelled so good. Or the flash mobs of women rushing into save men from bad hair and then stroking their arms appreciatively. No, those were too subtle, but I knew it with the latest three-minute commercial of Axe salesgirls cleaning balls. So let me just say it, so you and I both know and there’s no more confusion about this. Guys, Axe makes girls want to play with your balls.
Girls, you may not know this, but it’s true. You see, what happens is the smell of Axe rattles your brain, sending you into a sort of waking coma hallucination type deal. It’s kind of like “The Matrix” but with less tubes and more goo. The rest of your day is spent leaping out off of balconies, under tables, hiding in closets or around tight corners and cubicles raping men all day long. Though we all know with men it’s not really rape, but more like surprise sex. Surprise!
OK, back to man things. When you’re getting yourself ready for your man day and applying Axe as necessary. Don’t forget that women, or as we so aptly refer to them, the pleasure machines, will only give you surprise sex if the smell of Axe on you overpowers that of all other guys. It’s kind of like male-to-male competition between elk. They fight with their antlers and whoever doesn’t get gored gets the girl, right? It’s the same thing with Axe: whoever doesn’t die of suffocation from faux pheromones reaps female rewards.
Remember, dudes, you might be missing a lot of places where you can apply the Axe scent.
How about our eyebrows? I am sure we could smooth a bit of Axe styling gel over them for added sexiness because whether or not a girl looks at you again depends on the arch of your brows. And how about on your fingernails? I suggest we make some form of a gel, or adhesive, maybe even a polish of sorts and coat our fingers with it so that women will be especially attracted to what our fingertips have to offer. And don’t forget your intestines — that whole area probably smells of digestion, when it could easily smell like Axe. My solution: Let’s add blocks of Axe deodorant to our food as a dietary supplement. It may be low in nutrition but at least now your bowel movements will smell sexy. With this much scent there’s no way someone won’t love us.
But we need to step back and consider something far graver than we could ever expect: What if the hot ones aren’t the only ones coming after us? What if those ones with the smaller breasts or smashed-in faces try to give us surprise sex?
The commercials show us that only the pretty ones will find us, but we know better. We know all the pie faces, the anorexic and the tubby ladies are looking to get after our balls. So here’s some more solution: We spray our less-attractive friends with not only Axe, but Old Spice and Tag. This should attract all manners of ugly toward them, while the real hot women will radiate toward us.
Yet, another thing troubles me. What if the gays are attracted to our bad-ass, sex-inducing smell? What do we do then? Let’s face it. Some of them are in better shape than us. If one of them should get their hands on us, well, then, that would just be wrong. That wouldn’t even be surprise sex anymore — that’d be rape, and rape’s wrong.
But you know what? Whatever! In a frenzy of Axe-y passion it wouldn’t even matter where the pleasure is coming from, just as long as it keeps coming all night long. I’ll take the uggos, the tubbos and the gay men. They’re probably crazier in the sack anyway. My new solution — we all wear brown paper bags sprayed down with Axe, use the shower gel, use the hair gel, use the deodorant and body spray and have one big Axe orgy till the sun finally dies out.
Yes, my fellow men, I knew that with enough Axe we could solve any problem.
P.S. To the online readership, this isn’t real.
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18 comments
David Wilson
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Irony FAIL. Humor FAIL. This is a very sad excuse for a Lobo article.
a grad student
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Lighten up, David. This is hilarious!! The world needs more goofy humor, IMHO. Good relief from all the crazy DL bloggers.
thoughts
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Umm David geeky computer game FAIL comments do not really sway anyone to your well articulated side. They also do not hide the truth, that this article crushed your hope that AXE actually might be the trump card in your fight against your own celibacy.
Matt
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Lol
Chris
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There are millions of people dying in the world and THIS is the drivel UNM publishes?
Time to wake up to reality people..
docsavage
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Let me just go on record as saying that, unlike this sociopath Chris Quintana, I disapprove of people dying in the world….
Dugstool
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Hey haters. Light the eff up and quit cryin. WAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH……I don’t WANT funny in my campus newspaper….WAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH
jack
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I know you think you’re being funny, controversial, and perhaps enlightening, but when it comes right down to it, you’re just an annoying little brat. Everything you say has been said a thousand times by a thousand people. Write something we haven’t heard about ten thousand times before. Please do the world a favor by throwing your computer and all writing utensils accessible to you into nearest dumpster.
kthxbai
i can read
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This was boring. Plain and simple. Your future as a humor columnist is dismal. Then again its probably no worse than the futures of other UNM students.
eh
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Rock on Chris Quintana! You are a G! Don’t listen to all these haters. They’re just butt hurt because they suck at life and you don’t.
orchid
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Nice!
Chris
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It isn’t real, nor is it very thought provoking… or funny. Spend less time reading this and more time listening to Bill Hicks opinions of advertising.
Cancer
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I expect Bill Hicks cancer riddled corpse (rest in piss) would appreciate this humor a great deal more than Chris’ sychophantic toadying and Hicks name-dropping. What’s wrong, Chris? Still bitter over Che t-shirt biz tanking this year? Rage against the machine, man!
Tumor
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Death by pancreatic cancer is incurable, slow and excruciatingly painful. In Hicks’ case, it was poetic justice that the best medical science capitalism could provide still only allowed him to linger without hope, in great pain and dreary obscurity. Piss be upon him. Look, I can be bitter and anti-capitalist, too… Hilarious!
It’s a shame Hicks died so young (at 34) while bitter, old Bill Maher still struts around hating America, cheering for terrorists and pathetically likening mentally disabled kids to dogs. Cancer always kills crass youths— why can’t Maher grow a tumor?
JD
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Screw you, TUMOR, for dragging Bill Hicks’ name through the mud. He was right about EVERYTHING, including all the dumb-fuck hillbillies like you who populate this country.
I’m surprised any of you bastards have even HEARD of the late great Bill Hicks, considering Americans were (and still are) too uptight and ignorant to find him funny. Way funnier and more insightful than whatever people think is funny now…
Read more …
Letterman? Leno? SNL? Jesus, there is NO HUMOR left in this country any more.
It must suck to have no sense of humor. And BTW, he was only 32 years old when he left this prison planet. You’d be calling him an America-hater, too, if he were still with us – and he’d be laughing his ass off at what an imbecile you are.
I’ll be laughing at you when that huge brain tumor appears on the cell-phone side of your head, okay? Looking forward to that…one less moron to worry about.
Like Chris said above, take Bill’s advice and kill yourself. Now.
Lobo-Rick
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Hey, lighten-up peeps. This was FUNNY. Makes you wonder what really happens after that commercial is over.
Regis
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“Chris”, whoever you are, people may be dying but that has no bearing on the publication of materials critiquing the mass media portrayal of sexuality. there is no mutual exclusivity; publish both. And do not delude yourself into thinking the latter case has no victims. The axe commercials reify a damaging social image of female sexuality. Chris Q. is right to relate it to elk; women are portrayed as objects, prizes for men to capture with their good smelling armpits.
This was a great piece. F*CK you haters.
Jean-Luc Picard
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@Regis: There are many ways to skin a cat, or post a satirical article that’s a stab at the advertisement industry, this wasn’t one of them. Why, do you ask? Failed to bring anything original to the argument. Everyone and their grandmother knows of sexism and the media, it’s existed since the beginning of storytelling. So don’t go defending your happy-ass fratboy friend who thought this up after downing too many bottles of Mickey’s.
@Lobo-Rick: Again, obvious, everyone knows that the alpha male (which the term is bullshit, by the way), grabs the woman like a six-pack of beer and drags her to his man-cave for a screwing session. Once the Axe wears off and he begins to smell of semen and rotting hamburger, she’ll abandon him because he no longer smells of Axe. Unless he stopped every ten minutes during the act to respray.
Read more …
“Be right back honey, I gotta stop, I smell like ass. Where’s my Axe?”
@ the rest of the posters on this column: regardless of whether you find this article funny or not, you’re all painfully, abysmally stupid. Go watch something stupid on TV to medicate the condition and lose whatever brain cells you have left, because as your statements have proven, too many are quick to jump a gun one way or another. “STOP HATING!!!” “THE QUALITY OF OUR ARTICLES IS SHIT!!!!” Yeah, same old same old, I’m bored to hell by the article and the comments.
Jump through a hoop or something, or do those things that morons are wont to do on occasion like scratch your balls.
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