Like many of you examining the interesting and varied choices for University president, I have been eagerly awaiting the final decision.

We have many qualified contenders, but truly none is more qualified than Robert G. Frank, which is perhaps why he will be our new president after Schmidly leaves.

In the interest of continuing the fine tradition exemplified by universities everywhere, I have a few bits of advice on how Mr. Frank should run the University. None of the suggestions here are particularly new. They are in fact practiced at many fine institutions across the country.

I would list my qualifications to give such advice, but it would go well over the word limit allotted to me by the benefic editors who have been praying for relief from my spelling since article one.

I will, however, list the many bold steps that could improve the University. I’ve been thoughtfully compiling these since I arrived on campus as a dewy-eyed freshman, and I’d like to share with you my personal recipe for a great administrator.

Think of these as my friendly recommendations to you, Mr. Frank, though you probably should keep in mind that I wrote this before you were selected and originally meant to keep my pronouns gender neutral.

That is until I realized the University would never select a female president and discounted the three token female candidates entirely. Still, I am sure you are the best choice despite your lack of hair and thus zero visual appeal.

First, ignore the students. Any suggestions from ASUNM or GPSA should be filed in your trash can without a glance. Buy the largest trash can of any UNM president for this purpose.

Additionally, make scheduling an appointment with you over concerns about UNM impossible. Have an elaborate dog-and-pony show to cover your escape if any student should come to call.

Next, ignore the faculty. They have nothing useful to say and know nothing about education because they are so mired in its day-to-day minutiae that they’ve lost all perspective. Personally see that they get pay cuts if they disagree with any policy you put forth. If any write you letters, have one of your vice presidents write an insulting reply informing them that they are a typical example of academic leftist elites.

Turn sports events into bars to make up for the lost revenue because of the corrupt and morally reprehensible coach who you’ll hire. Promise to ignore any report of wrongdoing by said coach until it cannot be ignored and then heap the blame on anybody who is convenient.

Refuse to stand by any university employee. Instead, deny any connection and all accountability for those working for you.
Be incompetent in every field you can think of. Refuse to take interest in the University’s budget and fund departments based on alphabetical order. Start with A and end with A.

Increase tuition every semester at an exponential rate in an effort to drive out poor students trying to raise themselves out of whatever poverty-stricken portion of the United States they come from.

And finally, keep writing those incomprehensible, boring, and out of touch emails every week telling us how great the school is doing.