A few weeks into the NBA season and I say - strike that - declare, that I'm ready to unleash my clairvoyance once more, much to the chagrin of Phil.
Speaking of which, Phil's been a little salty as of late. Ever since Girl Scout Troop 19 humiliated his team at the YMCA last week in the semifinals of a local dodgeball tournament, he just hasn't been that cheerleader in the newsroom we're all used to.
Unfortunately, I am going to have to follow my premonitions down the path of proper prognostication and fill Phil's dreams with night terrors that include more than 12-year-old girls abusing him with a dodgeball.
The wonderful world of professional basketball - although rife with attitudes similar to the feisty, incessantly complaining Girl Scout troop that ruined Phil's hopes of being crowned local dodgeball champ - still provides for a level of entertainment that barely edges out reruns of "Alf."
That aside, let's get down to the nitty-gritty.
The Eastern Conference is revamped and looking better than any plastic surgery could make it. Despite the Pistons' destruction of the Lakers in last year's NBA Finals, the East was about as much a threat to the West as a chafing sweater in years before last.
Get content from The Daily Lobo delivered to your inbox
This season though, that's going to turn into full-blown jock itch for the West.
The Miami Heat is going to give opponents more than just a slight sunburn this year. The team revolves around the sun of the NBA, aka Shaq, and will be about as worrisome to every other coach and player as a bout of chlamydia.
The Heat also boasts top shooting guard Dwayne Wade, a cute flower in his rookie year who blossomed into a Venus flytrap late last season. His 16.2 points per game, along with Eddie Jones' 17.3, will force teams to play perimeter defense, leaving Shaq guarded one-on-one by the slew of perpetual punchlines the East calls centers.
The Pistons will again ride that engine of theirs to an Eastern Conference Final win in seven games over the Heat. Rasheed and Ben Wallace - no relation - lead a frontline for Detroit that would hold up well in most trench warfare.
Wallace squared poses an ogre-like offensive-defensive combo that'll lead to the contorted countenances of opposing players galore.
The West is a case study for social Darwinism, with several teams all clawing tooth and nail to get to the top.
The Suns and the Timberwolves are going to prove their worth to the rest of the West finally, finding their way to the Western Conference Finals after the other teams pound and assault each other into submission.
The Timberwolves will make the rest of the league their Nagasaki as Kevin Garnett rains bombs on everyone. It can't hurt that the general on the team, Sam Cassell, has been around since the advent of the shot clock.
The Suns will shine like a beacon of light thanks in to their new shooting guard, Quentin Richardson, who finally bailed out from the eternal bear trap of talent the L.A. Clippers have imposed on all their draft picks.
Phoenix fans will have another distraction from impending skin cancer when they get to watch their new shifty point guard Steve Nash roll up on teams like sleeves.
The T-Wolves will yell "timber" when the Suns take them down in the Western Conference Finals. Shawn Marion and Amare Stoudemire will prove too much for Kevin Garnett, especially when he can't focus because of evidence claiming he is really 37 years old and played professionally in Sri Lanka before coming to the NBA to dupe the system into thinking he was fresh out of high school.
The Suns, riding a heat wave - no pun intended - will sweep the Pistons and ruin their chances of two straight NBA Championships.
Sir Charles Barkley will be overheard on the set of TNT yelling gibberish excitedly when the Suns win before promptly asking for a doughnut smothered in mayonnaise.
