by Riley Bauling
Daily Lobo
All right you pitiful Americans who have yet to embrace the beautiful game, listen up. We are on the eve of the greatest sporting event in the entire world and all of you have a reason to pay attention.
Not only is the United States national team in the 2006 Germany World Cup, but it's fielding one of its best squads ever. Unfortunately for the United States, it's placed in the Group of Leprosy - the soccer media pundits call it the Group of Death, but it's much more fun to use an exotic disease that involves appendages dropping off left and right - with Italy and the Czech Republic. Think of it as the NFC East now that the Dallas Cowboys have sold their souls to nab Terrell Owens.
But just because the United States is going to be mutilated, that doesn't mean you can't enjoy the greatest soccer players in the world for the next month when the tournament starts Friday.
Get content from The Daily Lobo delivered to your inbox
So, without further ado, here's a crash course in what to watch for and know.
The Greatest Player - Without a question, this goes to Brazil's incomparable Ronaldinho, who, like the rest of those wacky Portuguese-speaking goofballs, needs only one name. This guy does a move called the el†stica where he pushes the ball to the right and then quickly whips it back to the left with the same foot as his defender's knees and ankles make like hand grenades. It doesn't sound as cool on paper as describing a dunk, but if you check out Ronaldinho's highlights on YouTube.com, you'll get the idea that the man literally makes his defenders urinate all over themselves as he approaches them. That, in addition to his two straight World Player of the Year awards and his uncanny resemblance to a rabid Clydesdale, doesn't equal fun for the poor souls entrusted to guard him.
Ronaldinho aside, two other players to watch are Lionel Messi of Argentina who is all of 18 years old - what were you doing when you were 18, huffing Sharpies and rubber cement? - and 24-year-old Zlatan Ibrahimovic. Ibrahimovic masters the ball almost as well as he does the media.
Here's a true quote from the Swede: When asked why he had cuts on his face after a game against England, Zlatan replied to the reporter, "You'll have to ask your wife about that."
The Greatest Team - Once again, this is Brazil's World Cup to lose as it fields a starting 11 that would all have to kick each other in the groin prior to every game for any other team to have a chance. But with an entire country relying on you to win a sixth World Cup title, some people feel the pressure. With nicknames like the Emperor, the Express Train and Kak† - actually that last one isn't that cool - Brazil shouldn't have any trouble.
In case it does, expect Argentina to find its way to the trophy presentation. The squad is full of young bucks who are itching to discredit the impotency their country has suffered on the world stage since Diego Maradona rode a cocaine addiction that rivaled all of Motley Crue's to the 1986 cup title.
Unsung Heroes - Anyone who follows European soccer has heard of these guys before, but I know most of you are as opposed to that as licking Dennis Leary's ashtray. So, I'll let you in on some names you can drop that'll make you look less like an American who needs another excuse to wolf down hot dogs smothered in chili-cheese mayonnaise.
Forward Didier Drogba of the Ivory Coast - yes, the country has a national soccer team before it has ever experienced a peaceful regime - is an ogre, crossed with a dragon, crossed with a bazooka. The guy whines the entire match, but that won't stop him from attempting to lodge his soccer cleat up some poor sap's nose while he lies on the ground. He's a true delight.
Marco Bresciano behaves himself more than Drogba when he plays for his native Australia, and he's not short on magical goals from all over the pitch. He'll be playing in the middle for the Socceroos, who have only to get through Croatia to come out as the second team in their bracket behind Brazil. Bresciano is one of the more talented players in one of the top four club leagues in the world when he plays for Parma in the Italian Serie A, and he should prove that Australia belongs in Germany despite barely squeaking past Uruguay to get in on penalty kicks.
America's chances - For the most part, not good. Although the Czech Republic is crippled with age and injuries, it is a much better team than the United States could ever hope to be. Italy is a soccer power and should not go lightly even though the country is embroiled in a scandal involving its club teams and their fixing of games for gambling purposes. That being said, the United States is no longer the world's bedpan, and head coach Bruce Arena is starting 11 players that are way better than the 11 in 2002 who made it within one goal of the semifinals.
If the United States claws its way out of bracket, it will undoubtedly be as the No. 2 seed, which means playing Brazil. But once a team comes out of bracket, it's single elimination. And, as we see with March Madness every year, who knows? Maybe Kak† is having colon problems, Adriano the Emperor can't control his peons and Cafu the Express Train is running low on coal or whatever the bejeezus trains run on these days, and the United States decides to show the world that soccer is the next big thing in America, and that we will no longer concede defeat and that - yeah, right.
Until then, take this time to toast a Beck's to the cup, and let's all count how many players get their photos snapped in the media for canoodling with prostitutes in Germany where, you guessed it, prostitution is legal. This should be a fun month.
