by Damian Garde
Daily Lobo
From Elvis to Robin Thicke, our fairer friends have never had a problem adopting the music of their more pigmented brethren.
The same standard applies to hip-hop, but the average white rapper is rarely granted the fame and fortune of the King. The genre exhibits one of the few examples of reverse racism in American culture, causing many to write off an entire generation of sunburning rappers as talentless Vanilla Ices.
But this practice is unfair. For every three Pete Nices in the world, there's at least one MC Serch. So, for those unfamiliar with the pale world of white rap, I present to you a road map of melanin-lacking MCs.
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Eminem
In brief: As white rap's prodigal son, Eminem is the peroxide-dyed figurehead of the entire movement. From his humble beginnings as a trailer-park-dwelling battle rapper to his gargantuan mansion and vain biopic, Em lives the dream of every baggy-panted gringo lip-syncing "Juicy" in a Civic.
Show and prove: "An arsenic writer. Author with arthritis, carpal tunnel - Marshall got start-shit-itis." - "No Apologies"
Cosigner: Em was scooped out of battle-rap obscurity by Dr. Dre, earning the respect of Nas, Jay-Z and Snoop, and managing to make posthumous songs with Biggie and Tupac.
The problem: Mr. Mathers has made one too many "da-doing-doing-doing" choruses in his time to be taken seriously as a great MC. Also, his wanton homophobia and cartoonish violence demonstrate that his core audience consists of eighth graders who catch chuckles every time they hear "faggot."
Aesop Rock
In brief: Aesop is an amalgamation of Golden Age legends, borrowing Slick Rick's storytelling prowess, KRS-One's boastfulness and Chuck D's societal paranoia - leaving his style somewhere between 1988 and 1984.
Show and prove: "And I'll hang my boots to rest when I'm impressed. So, I triple-knot them and forgot them. This origami dream is beautiful, but man, those wings will never leave the ground without a feather and a lottery ticket, now settle down." - "Daylight"
Cosigner: Before Aesop had so much as a record deal, he'd impressed underground stalwart Percee P enough to convince the legend to guest on two songs. After Cannibal Ox got wind of his skills, El-P signed Aesop to Definitive Jux, where he remains a flagship artist.
The problem: Despite his well-earned Brooklynite credentials, Aesop's vocabulary and Lewis Carroll references limit his audience to creative writing students in Bumsville, Iowa. Also, his verses kind of sound like B-Real reading a dictionary.
R.A. the Rugged Man
In brief: Rugged Man is rap's whitest and best-kept secret. Since starting his tenure in 1992, he has endured countless letdowns and career suicides, all the while leaving a track record rivaling his '80s heroes.
Show and prove: "Don't question it, it's a definite. The all-time best in it, kept in it, repping it, the last one left in it. I'm A-plus, you get an F in it. Negative, pessimist, effortless. Vocals with leprosy. Leopard-ish method and repping this. Fresh as the freshest, catching the specialist. I'm OD, Special K, Treacherous - I'm super." - "Supah"
Cosigner: After dueting with a pre-fame Notorious BIG in 1993, Rugged Man went on to work with everyone from J-Live and Sadat X to Masta Killa and Mobb Deep.
The problem: While I'm sure it's a drag to fall just short of fame for nigh on 15 years, Rugged's first album, Die, Rugged Man, Die, occasionally borders on pity-party territory. That, and Rugged needs to learn that it's not always necessary to beat producers to within an inch of death when he's upset with the sound of a song.
MC Paul Barman
In brief: A Brown University alumnus, Barman launched his career after his postgraduate work, aptly titled Postgraduate Work, caught the attention of Prince Paul. Since then, he has spearheaded a movement of like-minded dweebs to create a genre called nerdcore.
Show and prove: "My dandy voice makes the most anti-choice granny's panties moist." - "Cock Mobster"
Cosigner: Since limping onto the scene, Barman has collaborated with the likes of MF Doom, Del tha Funkee Homosapien and Masta Ace. He recently toured the U.S. with Blackalicious.
The problem: While his musings on coffeehouses and indie rock can induce giggles, Barman's flow sounds like he's reading a dissertation while drunk. And nerdcore - seriously?
