I commend the thoughtful UNM student letter writers on their charming ideas for exciting and innovative ways that this institution can offer fewer services. In budget-cutting discussions, much like politics, no one is ever truly right or wrong. The brightest plans often emerge from intense debate. In this spirit, I offer my plan for a UNM that more accurately resembles the paradise of small government that we all more-or-less-secretly crave. This plan, if implemented immediately, could also save the New Mexican economy. If taken national, I'm sure you will believe that true change would be seen instantly.
First, I want to highlight a campus success story. The Pit, which more than pays for itself, obviously deserves a $60 million renovation paid for by New Mexican taxpayers. This is a fine example of free-market economics at work, and I remain confident that The Pit will reimburse the state Legislature as soon as possible.
On the other hand, I'm sure you'll agree that UNM spends way too much money on computers. So many computers on campus prevent people from buying computers, which would obviously support the economy. This, of course, means no more printing in the campus PODs, which will save money on paper and save the planet (that is, if you believe scientists and their big government-supported climate change theories).
For that matter, you'll undoubtedly agree that a student newspaper is an enormous waste of money and paper (and a spider's nest of large-government lovers who have proven their own lack of personal integrity by printing this column), along with all six - count them six - libraries. Really, who needs six libraries? Again, fewer libraries means more book sales, and no free campus newspapers could stimulate the Albuquerque Journal's business. Likewise, Johnson Center survives on a relentless diet of government subsidies. Students would be better served by paying for a fancy private gym with professional trainers and flat-screen TVs.
But wait! The Daily Lobo, the computer labs, Johnson Center and the libraries are all staffed by student employees. By ending this "student welfare system," UNM can see huge and immediate cost reductions with the added benefit of forcing students to get real jobs supporting the economy in these trying times instead of suckling on the teat of big government. In addition, fewer accountants and secretaries will be needed to support student employees, leading to further cost savings.
What else can we cut to save ourselves from big government, you ask? Student dorms, of course. They're stealing good money from the honest landlords of Albuquerque. It goes without saying that the SUB's movie theater and crafts lab, landscaping upkeep of the Duck Pond and Johnson Field and, for that matter, any landscaping at all, are extravagant expenses in the current economic climate. All student organizations, likewise, represent an unbearable burden that must be shaken off in order for UNM to achieve utmost financial solvency.
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By following the above plan, I'm sure you believe that we can save a great deal of money. This way we can give money back to the state Legislature, which could then become a smaller government. Alternately, following the lead of our nation's most respected advocates of small government, such as Ronald Reagan and Dick Cheney, our government could spend the extra money on a variety of exciting and economically stimulating projects. These projects include, in no particular order, building private prisons to incarcerate more people while providing less treatment and rehabilitation, thus ensuring criminals' inevitable return to prison and providing secure private-sector jobs for prison guards; waging pre-emptive war on foreign nations, and thus supporting private-sector military companies such as Boeing and Honeywell; and giving large, no-bid contracts to companies like Halliburton to do whatever they want. In this way, our respected leaders have already transferred almost $1 trillion in the last eight years to the private sector, making it (thankfully) unavailable to the wasteful whimsy of big government.
As we forge ahead into uncharted economic waters, one thing is obvious: Real change comes from not spending government money on social programs. Doing so prevents taxpayer dollars from being transferred directly to the private sector. Other glorious but as-yet-untried ideas include privatizing Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid. I'm sure you believe that Wall Street and the insurance industry are much better equipped to care for us than a bunch of hopeful, ethnic-loving socialists.
In closing, I only hope that President David Schmidly and his various staff and administrators agree with this proposal, since they're the ones that matter. Professors, on the other hand, are a tremendous economic burden on this school, in addition to being ungrateful rabble-rousers. I pray that we can move beyond this year's ugly misunderstandings. I envision a time of harmony, peace and prosperity for all those who believe in an unregulated private sector and in small government, from this campus to the whole nation that is of the wealthy, by the wealthy and for the wealthy.
Christian Gunning is a graduate student in biology. He currently studies trees in the Bosque as part of a bloated federal research project.
