Lackluster All-Star game needs spice

Well, the plodding ratings orgy known as the Super Bowl is over.

Thankfully, there’s another absurdly over-marketed and borderline exploitive sporting event right around the corner.

Next weekend is the NBA All-Star procession; three days of revelry, showmanship and Charles Barkley offending people.

Don’t get me wrong. I love All-Star weekend. It encompasses everything I adore in pro basketball: freakish athleticism, senseless exhibitionism and a shared aversion to playing defense.

But in the past few years, the league has, for whatever reason, tried to change its annual bit of anarchy into something more respectable. This disgusts me. So, with no further ado, here are four ways to make All-Star weekend better.

Ditto for Smith, who has dunked on an entire generation of big men in just six years in the league. He’s still fighting off a reputation as a me-first possession killer, but again, we can’t leave off one of the game’s most exhilarating athletes in a contest that will be judged only by the sum of its mind-blowing moments. Can you name which conference won last year? Exactly.

I’m sure Commissioner David Stern amassed a few underworld contacts in the course of keeping Michael Jordan from getting murdered for his gambling debts. Can’t he call in a few favors to get this done? In the minds of postmodern ballplayers like James, the dunk contest is a silly diversion, a senseless injury risk for a trophy that means pretty much nothing. I know that, but I don’t care. James is perhaps the most gifted athlete in any sport right now, and he’s cruelly depriving us of what could be the greatest physical feat since Atlas. Let’s say his field of competitors includes Smith, Dwight Howard and Dwyane Wade. Kenny Smith’s vocal chords might melt, and Reggie Miller’s head might implode, but it’d be well worth it.

— Whoever coaches Sunday’s East-West matchup is determined by standings, with the coaches for the best squads in each conference helming the All-Star teams. I understand the logic here, but it presumes the All-Star game is like any other in the season, where defense and efficiency are the keys to success. That, of course, is false, and that’s why I nominate Mike D’Antoni and Don Nelson as the East and West’s all-time coaches (or, in Nelson’s case, until he drinks himself into a coma, at which point we’ll sub in Alvin Gentry). Imagine a 48-minute fast break, with players flying all about the court, passing and scoring with no regard for the supposed mores of good basketball. That’s great television.

— To me, the NBA has always been the most fan-accessible of professional leagues. Perhaps because the players aren’t wearing obstructive headgear, like in football, or perhaps it’s because guys like Ron Artest will occasionally venture into the stands to show their appreciation one-on-one. Either way, the NBA should take advantage of this by including fans in All-Star weekend. For instance, wouldn’t the HORSE competition be that much more entertaining if Kevin Durant had to compete with the guy from your high school gym who could make a shot off the rafters? Wouldn’t the skills competition be better if, at every turn, an 8-year-old was trying to steal the ball from Derrick Rose?

No matter what, the NBA must steer clear of Pro Bowl Syndrome: the NFL doesn’t want to admit its game is a joke, for fear of losing fans. At the same time, however, keeping up this charade has led marquee players to sit out and avoid possible injury. Thus, we get things like last week’s thrilling matchup between Matt Schaub and the ghost of Donovan McNabb.

Learn from this, NBA. Above all, we, the fans, just want to be entertained.

Oh, and get rid of the celebrity game. That thing sucks.