Freshmen overwhelmed with fun things to do in Albuquerque

*April Fools’ disclaimer
April Fools’ comes once a year, fools.
Today’s paper is full of satire, nonsense and non sequiturs.
Read up, drink up, shut up, play hard.
For entertainment purposes only.*

Thanks to the results of a recently released survey conducted by UNM admissions, there is now evidence that reinforces one of the obvious pluses freshmen can expect when they come to UNM: Albuquerque is bustling with things for them to do.

When choosing a university, there are many factors prospective freshmen must take into consideration, like the standard of education, how slimming the school colors make their asses look and the attractiveness of the graduate assistants. There are also the small details, such as the journalistic integrity of the school newspaper and if there is access to the same food vendors on campus without having to walk all the way across the street to the other side of Central Avenue. I mean, come on! Who has that kind of time?

So what makes Albuquerque such a great place for undergrads? Part of the answer lies in the variety. Whether it’s going to the movies, staying in, or going to the movies, freshmen have a lot of choices when it comes to social activities outside of class. The only drawback to having so much at your fingertips is staying focused.

Marcus Maansuq, a freshman from Hobbs, describes with a limited vocabulary and overriding Freudian subtly the difficulty of staying on track.
“Yeah, it’s hard,” he said. “Sometimes my parents are hard on me. They call to make sure I am studying hard, but it’s hard because I like to play hard too. Should I go see the movie The Bounty Hunter or write my term paper?”

Nightlife often focuses on bars and clubs where the law requires its patrons to be 21 or older. For some, however, the fact that freshmen are not yet able to go to these places is a plus.

Dylan Pewk, a frosh, says he loves that he and his friend are not old enough to drink.

“Not only is underage drinking delinquent and unhealthy, it also would detract from the time I spend with my Grandma,” Pewk said. “It’s not like her diapers are going to change themselves.”

Others are also finding alternative ways to get their highs outside of the bar scene. Because of the ease of securing narcotics in town, freshmen love “dat crunk accessibilitay” Albuquerque provides to drugs like dark chocolate, crack and caffeine.
“Last weekend, after midterms, we rented a motel room and drank so much coffee. Oh, and did cocaine with hookers,” says a student who wished to remain anonymous named Bridget Wallace.

In order to organize all the ongoing activities, students can refer to weekly publications such as the Alibi. Each issue is lined with many articles and calendars showcasing the latest local events. Easily-satisfied first-year Stephanie Doorbuckle can’t get enough of the city’s frequently occurring second-rate dramatic performances and enticing community events for the elderly.

“I am just thankful there is absolutely never anything to do Monday afternoon or evenings for a break from all the activities,” she said. “Plus, I really want to see The Bounty Hunter.”

As shown by this survey, UNM admissions has an easy marketing sell in its recruitment of new students. Every year our vibrant city of Albuquerque reminds UNM freshmen that they made the right choice in their college selection. It also shows just how important a factor location is for incoming students in choosing their perfect university, allowing for more focus on the specific aspects of a school, such as the nutrageous degree of price inflation at the bookstore and of course the amount of on campus duck habitation available.