There’s a myth about Black Friday that the avid shopper might snag a 50-inch TV for $100, but in order to get there he or she would have to ward off hordes of shoppers willing to punch a baby in the face with brass knuckles for the same deal.
Naturally, a lot of people avoid or flock to these Black Friday sales for these reasons, but like always, the truth is disappointing.
I went out on Black Friday looking for these bloodthirsty customers and wicked-good deals, but found both in short supply.
Yes, waking up at 3 a.m. yielded small results, but the excursion was at least useful to dispel the Black Friday myth.
One myth I did find true was the issue of parking. I went to the Wal-Mart on Carlisle and Menaul Boulevards and parked about a quarter-mile back from the store entrance. Black Friday shoppers did face bitterly cold temperatures, but those dedicated enough to go out didn’t seem to mind much at all.
They walked with a pep in their step that suggested the inside of the store would be as crazy as I had hoped.
Imagine my dismay when I got in the store and everyone was walking around and not ramming each other with their shopping carts. People picked items off the shelves leisurely, and they were only occasional instances where people bumped into each other, and most were followed by a quick and courteous apology.
It seems Wal-Mart was well prepared for the chaos, as its sweetest deals — $2 movies, $69 Blu Ray players — were spaced throughout the store instead of clustered in the electronics section where people might have gotten into punching matches.
Devastated, but not broken in spirit, I jetted off to the mall with hopes of finding some bloodlust and shopping.
Again, the mall parking lot was overflowing and required another quarter of a mile walk to get in, but disappointment was my friend once again.
The mall was crowded, yes, but no more crowded than any other weekend. The only usual aspect of the whole excursion was that all this activity was happening at 4:30 a.m.
The deals were a bit better. Everything at the Gap was 50 percent off, and some shoppers bought up to $400 worth of merchandise. Think about that; that’s normally $800 of merchandise. On clothes. I was reluctant to spend more than $15 on a shirt, much less $400.
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My rationale? People are nuts. Yes, the deal is good, but the person still spent more than $400 on clothing — probably the equivalent to what a lot of college students spend on clothing in a year.
A side note: Most employees had a fatigue about them that comes from setting up at 2 a.m. and regarded most shoppers with a sort of restrained resentment natural to those who work retail. Thus, it was bizarre to see one with pep in American Eagle.
She asked kindly if I needed help, showed me where everything was, and then went skipping off to help the next customers. Her co-workers looked at her as though she was insane, which she might be because she was skipping about at 5 a.m.
Let me express my heartfelt apology for those stuck working Black Friday.
It didn’t seem so busy to me, but it must have sucked for all of you stuck there all damn day. Thanks for making the rest of America happy if only for a day.
I do digress. The deals were minimal, and only for those who didn’t mind spending money in the first place. I mean, 40 percent off storewide is good, but not if the most affordable item in the store is a $60 shirt. Forty percent doesn’t mean much. I am looking at you, Express.
I left the mall with the hopes of finding some murderous shoppers, but by this point my hope was wearing thin. I pulled into Target, another full parking lot, but again tranquil stores, and so on. Once again, the media lied to me.
It blew up the Black Friday phenomenon because nothing ever happens after Thanksgiving, so desperate reporters go out and about on Black Friday, find something miniscule, engorge it so it looks like a big deal, and then go home and eat more leftovers.
I considered doing the same, but I was out of Thanksgiving leftovers and incapable of making something up. And, oh yeah, I thought maybe it might be important to report the truth, at least as far as I can see, even if it is rather boring and destroying a cherished Thanksgiving myth.
Wait, where are you going?
No come back, not everything needs to be a scandal! Fine, fine, fine. I saw a child punched in the face five times, an old woman trampled to death, and got 17 kitchen appliances for $50 at 2:30 a.m. Are you happy now, you vicious freaks?
Go see for yourself next year.
