Editor,
Do I ever know myself or the other person or the future well enough to know for sure we both will do well with only each other romantically until death? I aim to tell the truth and not to make foolish promises.
Many years ago as a preacher I formed marriage ceremonies. I was also a groomsman for some friends’ marriages. I attended many weddings.
I have decided from now on not to attend marriage ceremonies where two persons pledge themselves to only each other romantically until death. A solemn vow that many break or want to break; a solemn vow I refuse to make to anyone. I have been in love with certain men — I treasure mutually passionate romance with certain men, but I do not want to be caged nor to cage any man romantically for life.
Like many people, I am able to be openly, honestly in love with more than one person. No one person can fill all our emotional needs. If he and I part, I do not want to sue him, and I do not want him to sue me.
Marriage partners often take each other for granted and slack off from exercise and staying healthy. They often turn to booze, junk food or to buying crap for comfort .
Married couples often hold each other back and use each other as an excuse not to change and not to grow. Blaming the other, one says, “I cannot stop eating meat or sugar, because (s)he has that stuff here, and I cannot resist eating it.” One says, “I would live simply in a much smaller place, and I would stop paying federal income tax for war, but (s)he refuses to change.”
Marriage partners often act as if they own each other, so they try to control each other and get insanely jealous.
Some people may do best with only one romantic partner for life, but even they would be wise never to pledge themselves only to each other romantically until death. As the years pass, they can check if they both are doing well in this monogamous relationship.
Some people have their number one romantic relationship with one person for decades, but also enjoy close friendship and pleasurable sex with other persons and do it honestly and openly.
Some people are able to be deeply in love with two or more persons at the same time for years and do it openly and honestly with little or no jealousy.
The rule of no sex for couples outside marriage often breeds lies, cover-ups, heavy frustration, boredom, violent jealousy...
Get content from The Daily Lobo delivered to your inbox
Marriage often becomes a duel instead of a duet.
My parents might have been much better friends had they never married. Marriage destroys many friendships; many couples become better friends after divorce. My parents were not a good match. If I had been my mother, I do not know how I could have coped being married to my dad; if I had been my dad, I do not know how I could have coped being married to my mother.
They were married 48 years until my mother died. It was a war of words, hurt feelings and rage. My mother needed, wanted and was capable of much deeper intimacy than my dad gave her or perhaps was able to give her.
I learned from my mother and dad not to get or stay trapped in a rotten marriage making each other miserable. Far worse than having no romantic companion is feeling trapped by a vow to someone I no longer want to be with or to someone who no longer wants to be with me.
I understand people in love wanting to celebrate it with their families and friends, so if invited, I would go to wedding receptions. But I refuse to witness persons pledging themselves to lifelong romantic commitment to only each other.
Yes to passionate romance! Legal marriage for me – never.
Sincerely,
Don Schrader
Daily Lobo Reader
