After years of analysis (I watched a 30-minute video of NFL highlights), I’ve come to the conclusion that football is too complicated and I don’t like it. There, I said it – this is a fully legitimate expert opinion. I actually would’ve made it to the big leagues if it weren’t for my knee injury.
First of all, being able to enjoy the game is entirely dependent on an understanding of the imperial measurement system, which most of the world no longer uses. Well, that and beer consumption. And a bowl of nachos.
Football is just doing too much trying to be both soccer and rugby. Yes, you’ve all heard that before. But this gets even worse when you realize that rugby was birthed from playing soccer wrong, and then realizing football was birthed from playing rugby and soccer wrong.
Football is the product of snotty Ivy League kids creating sport incest, and that completely checks out. Just like any incest-born child, it has a bunch of weird confusing mutations.
So much is happening during football games but, really, they do the same thing over and over again. A wise man once said that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results is insanity. That’s football.
You’re telling me I have to sit through three hours of an imaginary line moving back and forth, people running into each other and a ball you can barely see? No wonder there needs to be a huge celebrity performance during halftime.
The games are too slow.
The biggest accomplishment is being able to fall down on a field the right way. Other sports celebrate your ability to not fall. The entire point of watching sports is to be entertained and amazed by what the human body and mind is capable of. Watching football only serves to set us back by, like, 1,000 years.
If you don’t know anything about football, let me break it down for you. Essentially there's a center line. You get four downs. After doing all the hard work to get four downs, you are rewarded with… the chance to get four more downs. But that basically gets you into a sport where it’s insanely difficult to not get stuck in a stalemate.
The players are way too specialized. In other sports you have offensive and defensive. Simple.
But no, not in American football.
Heck, let’s play a game of "Which of These Options are Fake Positions in Football.
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- Quarterback
- Nickelback (yes, like the artist)
- Silver back
- Cornerback
- Running back
If you chose anything other than C, you’d be wrong. But other than these positions, we also have wide receiver, running back, linebacker, tight end, defensive end, full back, cornerback, nickelback, punter, punt returner, kick returner, placekicker, guard, offensive linemen, holder, long snapper, safety, free safety.
It’s impossible to know who’s an end and who’s a back while you’re watching the game. They all just look the same because they’re all doing the same things for the most part.
Let’s not even get started on all the different ways you can get a penalty. You can look at a referee wrong and have your team be sent back 15 yards.
If you’re a medieval king who enjoys watching men give each other concussions, this is the sport for you.
Shin Thant Hlaing is a football expert and freelance reporter at the Daily Lobo. She can be reached at news@dailylobo.com
