Ducks vs. turtles: Duck Pond renovations spark $42 billion gentrification feud

As life should be returning to the University of New Mexico Duck Pond, a drained concrete tub sits lifeless. The Daily Lobo has uncovered a secret document that details renovations at the Duck Pond that will create duck suburbia — a project that is more than $42 billion over budget.

“First we deal with swan gentrification, and now this,” Shelly Tortuga, one of the lead Duck Pond turtles who helped stop the 2023 swan gentrification, said.

Tortuga feels that the ducks have turned on their neighbors, she said. Before the renovations began, the ducks would tip the turtle logs as they slept, Tortuga said.

“We used to live peacefully — until they decided they wanted to take more of our space and our logs,” Tortuga said.

The duck suburbia will create new chain overpriced toast shops painted in all neutral tones with signs that display “Live, Laugh, Toast,” according to the document.

These venues will be contrary to warnings by local Girl Scout troop signs at the pond that say bread is bad for ducks.

Jared Quack, a new resident duck, said these renovations are necessary and will help keep the pond occupied. He feels that the ducks deserve their own space.

“The turtles that occupy this pond are few and far between,” Quack said. “What’s really important is that I get my toast.”

Jeremiah Clack, an old man who used to walk around the pond, said he is upset about the cost of the renovations. The Daily Lobo revealed that the money for these renovations is given directly by UNM President Garnett Stokes and the Lottery Scholarship fund.

“My tax dollars should pay for me to walk around at night in relative safety — not for these ducks to be living the good life and bullying the turtles,” Clack said.

Clack explained that he was confused by the sudden new attitude of the majority of the ducks, as the two species have peacefully coexisted for years despite the fact that official histories fail to mention the turtles.

“I don’t see a need for them to push the turtles out is all,” Clack said. “They have as much a right to be here as those ducks.”

Tortuga hopes that raising awareness for the issue will cause people to speak out against it. She explained that turtle-duck relations are not as complicated as pro-duck media makes it out to be.

Tortuga is currently planning a “Take Back The Pond” event, which she hopes will take the pond back to its original purpose: for turtles and students to sleep peacefully — as well as see their friends in awkward passing.

Marcela Johnson is a beat reporter for the Daily Lobo. She can be contacted at news@dailylobo.com or on X @DailyLobo

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