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Satire

New bus driver Ms. Frizzle put on leave due to horrifying adventure

Nate Bernard | April 1

If you’re cruising on down University, relaxing and feeling good, you might have been lucky enough to spot the University of New Mexico’s newest shuttle bus driver, Valerie Frizzle, known locally as Ms. Frizzle. Frizzle, although just recently hired, has also been put on temporary leave due to misconduct related to “adventuring.” Her employment at UNM has been questioned in less than a week since her hiring on Tuesday, March 26. Frizzle is a former elementary school science teacher who was searching for a career change. When the opportunity arose, she decided to begin driving shuttle buses for UNM, Frizzle said.

Satire

UNMPD announces ‘Small Arms Division’: New animal task force comprised of T. rexes

Maria Fernandez | April 1

The University of New Mexico Police Department announced at a press conference on Wednesday, March 27 that they will expand the animal police force to include a pack of Tyrannosaurus rexes. T. rexes are known for their speed, agility and smarts. Their inherent sense for sniffing out blood will be utilized on the job. It will also be expanded to detect various paraphernalia and explosives, UNMPD Chief Ian Winterhalder said. The dinosaurs are capable of running at an impressive 12 miles per hour, faster than 90% of the current police force, according to UNMPD’s website.

Satire

STEM in the sky, humanities in the hollows

Shin Thant Hlaing | April 1

The University of New Mexico has unveiled a new infrastructure plan in which Science Technology Engineering and Math (STEM) buildings will float a mile above ground and humanities buildings will be relocated to underground tunnels to shield students from the STEM jet flames. “STEM subjects are the future and we need to show our support for our STEM students by giving them an educational experience with state of the art technology: jetpacks,” UNM President Garnett Stokes said. ”We must also, as the flagship university of the state, demonstrate a decisive superiority over New Mexico State University.”

Satire

Opinion: Football is too complicated and I don’t like it

Shin Thant Hlaing | April 1

After years of analysis (I watched a 30-minute video of NFL highlights), I’ve come to the conclusion that football is too complicated and I don’t like it. There, I said it – this is a fully legitimate expert opinion. I actually would’ve made it to the big leagues if it weren’t for my knee injury. First of all, being able to enjoy the game is entirely dependent on an understanding of the imperial measurement system, which most of the world no longer uses. Well, that and beer consumption. And a bowl of nachos.

Satire

UNM sorority hosts fight club for rush season

Addison Fulton | April 1

“I will rip those stupid fake highlights clean out of your skull. Anyways, see you tomorrow night sister, xoxoxo,” Ashleigh Damon wrote in a text message to sorority sister Kayleigh Smith that was leaked to the Daily Lobo. Smith is just one of many students preparing to make the most out of their ...

Satire

LoboAlerts fails to warn UNM students of impending doom

Addison Fulton | April 1

Another Rapture caught many students off guard when the LoboAlerts warning system failed to go off in a timely manner, causing many to be stuck in apocalyptic situations. “When I saw that the sky had turned dark and hordes of locusts were emerging from everywhere, I thought to myself, it would have been nice to know about this an hour ago,” Hellen Fyre, a University of New Mexico junior, said. Fyre, like many students, was disappointed by the lateness of the LoboAlert, which should warn students before they go into potentially hazardous conditions, such as hellfire erupting from the ground, she said.

Satire

UNM provides new grad student housing … underground

Sadie Hopkins | April 1

The University of New Mexico has released plans for a new solution to affordable housing for graduate students off campus – underground tunnels. Recently, graduate students at UNM have voiced concerns about a lack of student housing. Anita Knapp, a representative for the United Graduate Workers of UNM, said that the uncertainty of housing has made her experience in graduate work strange and difficult. “I’ve been living off of medical experiments for three months, so I could move into the tunnels, but I have since started to grow purple hair and extra appendages,” Knapp said.

Satire

SHAC opens retirement center to accommodate wait times

Maddie Pukite | April 1

The average age of students on campus is increasing to 190, meanwhile, Student Health and Counseling wait times are increasing as well. To accommodate the wait, SHAC opened retirement centers last Friday for students and has allegedly started an experimental drug trial in hopes of finding an anti-aging property. The issue began on April 3, 2023 when four students all entered the waiting room at the same time for sprained ankles. Maria Barker, an injured student, said all hell broke loose when a box of a thousand unidentifiable tablet-sized medications fell off a shelf.

Satire

A million dollars worth of Pistol Pete art found

Marcela Johnson | April 1

The University of New Mexico Art Museum (UNMAM) has created a scandal for the Art Department after a Center for the Arts janitor, Henry Robinson, stumbled upon millions of dollars worth of Pistol Pete art last Monday. “I was looking for some old supplies that we used to keep in a shared space, and when I opened that door, all this Pistol Pete crap came falling on me,” Robinson said. “That’s gotta be a safety violation.” The UNMAM has denied any involvement with the storage closet and its contents. UNMAM Director Anna Lyre has said that she does not believe it exists.

Satire

UNM will include jousting after fatal prophecy is revealed

Nate Bernard | April 1

Hear ye, hear ye! Our noble queen, Garnett Stokes, proclaims the entry of the University of New Mexico into jousting tournaments following a dire prophecy uncovered by the wizards. These tournaments shall commence upon the eve of the blood moon, where challengers from neighboring universities and local warlords shall vie for glory. Whilst the tournaments shall primarily revolve around the noble sport of jousting, there shall also be contests of poem recitation and the drawing forth of the legendary sword, Excalibur, Stokes declared. The victors of these contests shall be bestowed with scrolls detailing fantastical quests, wherein the true reward lies in the friends they made along the way, Stokes declared.

Opinion

Review: Feminine and queer work ‘In Bloom’ at Masley Hall

Shin Thant Hlaing | March 29

“In Bloom” is an art exhibition in Masley Hall, constructed by Generation Action University of New Mexico, that features the budding talents of 13 undergraduate artists. The variety of the mediums presented drives home not just the different experiences of the artists, but the different ways in which those experiences can be articulated. The exhibition spotlights works on femininity and Queerness, and is open to the public until March 29. Generation Action UNM is an organization with ties to Planned Parenthood that advocates for reproductive health care and abortion care. While the chosen works managed to cover multiple spheres of feminine and Queer experience, most of the artworks outwardly came across as focusing more on the feminine experience.

News

APD releases crime statistics for 2023

Arly Garcia | March 29

In recent crime statistics, the Albuquerque Police Department cited proactive enforcement as the reason they saw increased drug possession and shootings in 2023; the American Civil Liberties Union of New Mexico is critical of this method of policing because of the way it treats drug offenses. APD released preliminary crime statistics for 2023 on Feb. 29. The report includes comparisons to crime numbers from 2018 onward. In 2023, APD saw a total of 65,960 reported crimes. While most of the numbers represented small changes, there was a 49% increase in Crimes Against Society, including prostitution, drug offenses and weapons law violations, according to the report.

News

GPSA Presidential elections: Joseph Conteh

Maddie Pukite | March 25

Joseph Conteh (ballot #2) is running for Graduate and Professional Student Association President. His campaign centers on collaboration and creating more opportunities for graduate students at the University. Conteh is pursuing a Master of Public Administration and has served as the Public Relations Director for GPSA this past year. He also served as the Student Body Vice President for the University of Sierra Leone during his undergraduate career. His work in the past has focused on supporting projects from rural communities in Sierra Leone, which fostered skills he said he would bring to this position.

News

Chimps prioritization of play

Shin Thant Hlaing | March 25

A new study led by University of New Mexico alumni and faculty members reveals that mother chimpanzees prioritize play with their children even in difficult situations, like food scarcity. The study, published March 14 in the journal “Current Biology,” might shed light on the importance of play to development in other primate species, and help us learn more about our evolution, according to lead researcher and UNM alumna Kris Sabbi. Co-authors include UNM professors of anthropology Melissa Emery Thompson and Martin Muller, UNM anthropology graduate student Megan Cole and UNM alumna and University of Michigan Research Lab Coordinator Isabelle Monroe.

News

GPSA Presidential elections: Michel Rivera Ramirez

Maria Fernandez | March 25

Michel Rivera Ramirez (ballot #3) is a second-year University of New Mexico School of Law student running for the Graduate Professional Student Association President with a focus on employment and labor law. If he were to win the election, Rivera Ramirez’s main priority would be preparing to advocate at the New Mexico legislature for better state investment into UNM, he said. “This will include more funding for scholarships, assistantships and other services that graduate students can benefit from,” Rivera Ramirez wrote.

Culture

Women’s History Month lecture highlights untold stories

Addison Fulton | March 25

The University of New Mexico celebrated Women’s History Month with a special guest lecture from Alejandra Dubcovsky who presented her research on the role of women in Native American history in the Florida region. Her book, “Talking Back: Native Women and the Making of the Early South,” provides commentary on the disservice done to women when their stories are left untold. Contrasts across translations and cultures often highlight an important difference between how Native and non-Native cultures view women and tell women’s stories, if they tell them at all, Dubcovsky said. Gaps where women should be but aren’t are a major problem that Dubcovsky said she hopes to solve.

Sports

Men’s basketball: Lobos coming home early

BillyJack Davidson | March 25

The champions of the Mountain West Tournament, the University of New Mexico men’s basketball team traveled to Memphis, Tennessee to face off against the Clemson Tigers in the first round of the NCAA Tournament. The Lobos were not able to take home a victory as the Tigers knocked them out early in the tournament with a dominant performance. While it was a disappointing outcome, Head Coach Richard Pitino talked about how much growth the men’s basketball program has had in the last three years, and how proud he is of the players this season.

Opinion

Review: 'Love Lies Bleeding': Brutal beauty and faithful 1980s Albuquerque female bodybuilders

Sadie Hopkins | March 25

Late last week, theaters saw the release of writer/director Rose Glass’ first feature with A24, “Love Lies Bleeding.” Since the debut of the first official trailer, this film looked like it would quickly become a massive success – not only with a specific crowd of niche filmgoers but with the public, too. Unsurprisingly, having been considered among the best at the 2024 Sundance Film Festival, it delivered, brutally. “Love Lies Bleeding” follows Lou (Kristen Stewart) in Stewart’s most powerful and excellently executed role to date, a withdrawn gym manager (Ed Davis) and Jackie (Katy O’Brien) – an aspiring bodybuilder – through an off-kilter romance, set in1980s Albuquerque.

News

Anthony Tomaziefski and Mutazz (Tazz) Jaber win ASUNM elections

Lily Alexander | March 25

On Thursday, March 21, Anthony Tomaziefski and Mutazz (Tazz) Jaber were elected to be the next President and Vice President, respectively, of the Associated Students at the University of New Mexico. The two current ASUNM senators campaigned on campus accessibility and safety, and ASUNM involvement and outreach. A total of 1,080 students voted – 7% of the undergraduate student body – with Tomaziefski and Jaber each receiving 418 votes.

Sports

Men's basketball: Conference champions

Thomas Bulger | March 19

The University of New Mexico men's basketball team earned their first Mountain West Championship since 2014. Over Spring Break, the Lobos won four games in four days to secure a spot in March Madness. The championship run was the result of a balanced effort from the team but was fueled by Tournament MVP Jaelen House. Three Lobos were named to the All-Tournament team: House, Jamal Mashburn Jr. and JT Toppin.