New Mexico Daily Lobo :: He knows if you've been bad or good

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He knows if you've been bad or good

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By Isaac Avilucea | New Mexico Daily Lobo

Last updated: 12/14/09 1:59am

Disclaimer: This column is satire.

Dear UNM Administrators, Mike Locksley and message board bloggers:
Season’s greetings from your sports editor at the Daily Lobo. I hope this letter reaches you in good spirits.

It’s been a tumultuous year filled with embarrassment, angst and disappointment.
Understandably, at this point, it’s safe to assume that I’m not your favorite person to interact with.

With that said, I’d like to clear the air.

Though it seems you guys think of me as — in not so many words — a disingenuous, pot-stirring renegade, I hold you all in the highest regard.

This is an eternal cat-and-mouse game — the perpetual struggle between public relations management and journalism.

The nature of the business dictates that you must do everything possible to protect the University’s image.

Meanwhile, my job is to work for the public, to voice their concerns and to be a mediator between you and those who harshly criticize your decisions.

Unfortunately, somewhere along the way this level of understanding was lost — and we became embroiled in a spat that spilled out onto the local stage.

Even individuals who had nothing to do with the Locksley situation chimed in, calling me a “subjective” reporter looking to portray the University in a “negative light.”

I must admit — that one hurt.

Still, I’m willing to get beyond this.

And to express my gratitude to you, and to reaffirm the fact that I harbor no disdain for you, I thought it’d be a bury-the-hatchet gesture to buy you all Christmas gifts.

I put a great deal of time and thought into purchasing these items. Hopefully you will all enjoy them and put them to good use.
Regards,
Isaac Avilucea

To: Paul Krebs
’Tis the Holiday season, Paul, and it has been especially wintery outside. Seeing as you have a certain fondness for covering up, I decided it’d be fitting to get you a top-of-the-line Mink fur coat.
Trust me, it isn’t prone to leaks and will protect you from the most frigid conditions. Specially equipped with a media retardant, this coat will make you invincible to fire-starter newspapers and television stations.
Also, as a stocking stuffer, I’ll throw in a BlackBerry Curve 8500 with my number already programmed, since I’m sure you haven’t intentionally missed my calls or procrastinated about returning them.

To: Helen Gonzales
Maybe it’s just me, but I figured you couldn’t truly call yourself a big-shot investigator without a voice recorder.
This tool is essential to lowly journalists, and would probably be useful to investigators dedicated to being impartial, meticulous and accurate.
That being the case, I made sure not to be frugal.
The one I’m giving you is designed to eliminate static and creates files which can’t be tampered with, so you will have the most unfiltered, crystal-clear audio, and you will be able to recall, with unmistakable precision, what was told to you in testimonies you receive while conducting said investigations.

To: President Schmidly
It was either this or a seaside “bungle”-low for you, Helen and Paul to vacation from this media fire storm.
Since you seem fond of pithy language, I decided you’d appreciate a 12-volume encyclopedia set of inspirational quotes. It’s full of gems, and I penciled in your personal favorite: “There’s your story; there’s their story; and then there’s the truth,” as you said at the news conference Nov. 4.
I hope you will consult these books next time you’re preparing your statements to the media.

To: Shannon Garbiso
Shannon, I hope you find my gift useful.
The latest from Fellowes, the Powershred C225Ci cross-cut paper shredder is designed to be jam proof and shred up to 20 pages
at a time.
Hopefully, this will assist you in any future note-destroying endeavors and keep your desk clean of documents pertaining to important inquiries into physical altercations or other serious matters.

To: Mike Locksley
“Iron Mike,” I had to mull over what to get you. I racked my brain for hours. It’s hard to shop for a man who gets paid $750,000 and has everything. Gift cards to a slew of restaurants, boxing gloves and this Britney Spears CD with the smash single “Hit Me Baby One More Time” just didn’t seem to fit the bill.
I arranged to have you embark on an all-expenses-paid trip to watch the Fiesta Bowl on Dec. 31. As you know, this game will feature two undefeated mid-major squads, one from the Mountain West Conference — TCU. Suffice it to say, I think this could be a good learning experience for you.

To: TheRedMenace.com
For you, my friends, I submitted a personal letter of recommendation to Greg Remington, head of UNM Media Relations, suggesting he consider adding you to his legion foot soldiers. No thanks necessary.
Let’s face it: When it comes to ardent declarations of unswerving support of “Iron Mike,” you guys are professionals. It’s unfortunate that you remain Locksley’s most stalwart, unpaid public relations representatives.
It’s about time your dignified and eternal efforts to sway fan support in favor of Locksley are recognized in the public sphere and you are handsomely compensated for them.
With the pay you all receive for working closely with the Marketing Department, perhaps you could invest in a spell checker for your Web site, or outsource that job to someone who has a lot of experience in copy-editing. I’d be more than happy to recommend a few people.

Published December 14, 2009 in Football, Sports

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46 comments

Concerned lobo

December 14, 2009 at 1:26 AM
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I’m so glad the Daily Lobo sports section has room for this column, as opposed to, for instance, a feature on one of the other fall sports you’ve so willfully neglected. Isaac, I for one don’t mind reading about your “pot-stirring” once in awhile, but even you’ve got to admit that this semester’s sports section has been full of your opinionated rants. How about practice some good, old-fashioned journalism (you know, the kind you apparently never learned in ethics class) by being objective (as opposed to “subjective,” as you’ve been accused) and covering the swim, golf, track, or (insert under-represented sport here) team a little more? Now that would be a Christmas present that the entire UNM community could enjoy!

I understand

December 14, 2009 at 9:19 AM
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Oh man I loved reading this story. Good job with the sport section this year. As for the hater above has no clue what he/she is talking about. Hey you remember they have covered swimming with that FULL PAGE story about the swimming and diving team. Track does not really start till next semester. They did cover the cross country team too. Golf has way more events in the sprint than in the fall. What other fall sports are there that the Lobo did not cover? If you are so concerned why don’t you pick up a pen and write for the Daily Lobo?

Hador

December 14, 2009 at 9:29 AM
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You know, as far as the rest of Mr. Avilucea’s stories are concerned this one actually isn’t half bad. At least it does show some humor.

However attacking an internet fan site and message board because it contains spelling errors is more than a little lame.

I did like the part about the jam proof paper shredder though.

TRM Fan

December 14, 2009 at 9:36 AM
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After reading some of your racist blogs here Issac I think you deserve a new hood Issac

Lobo Football Fan??

December 14, 2009 at 9:39 AM
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As the Red Menance like to say: POST OF THE DAY!

Way to go Issac – I used to be a regualar reader and poster at that site, but no longer. They all have on their Cherry colored glasses, and if you dare to disageree, they ban you!

I would like to add one more:

To Tony Dungy – Mentor of Mike Locksley:
May you please help Mike to stop dividing the team between “His” and “Rocky’s” players. They are all Lobos. They all want to compete. They all have value. They are all Athletes. May you help Locksley step up and be a real man and mentor to ALL these young men.

Jeff

December 14, 2009 at 9:51 AM
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Issac, you truly are ridiculous and everything that is wrong with journalism in this country. The fact that this made the paper is further evidence that the Daily Lobo is nothing more than a gossip column. You are not a journalist, but merely spread gossip and continue to beat dead horses. I think you should apply for a job at TMZ, you would fit right in.

Tim

December 14, 2009 at 10:12 AM
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Isaac,
I don’t think you know anything about spots. Just Drama.
Sounds like you are reading The Red Menace to get your facts and figures. So, what are you going to do now that there isn’t any football drama? We all know you have an issue against Locks, it simple. Just like you.

BTW, Locks is doing great on the early recruiting trail.. But you don’t actually report on Lobo sports, just Lobo drama.
Keep up the carp work!

I hear the student section is going to call you out this week during the NAU game, the rumor is you don’t attend games.

Too Funny

December 14, 2009 at 10:24 AM
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Great Job Isaac!

To: TheRedMenace.com
For you, my friends, I submitted a personal letter of recommendation to Greg Remington, head of UNM Media Relations, suggesting he consider adding you to his legion foot soldiers. No thanks necessary.
Let’s face it: When it comes to ardent declarations of unswerving support of “Iron Mike,” you guys are professionals. It’s unfortunate that you remain Locksley’s most stalwart, unpaid public relations representatives.
It’s about time your dignified and eternal efforts to sway fan support in favor of Locksley are recognized in the public sphere and you are handsomely compensated for them.
With the pay you all receive for working closely with the Marketing Department, perhaps you could invest in a spell checker for your Web site, or outsource that job to someone who has a lot of experience in copy-editing. I’d be more than happy to recommend a few people.

Shirley-Thanks Isaac

December 14, 2009 at 10:34 AM
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Meanwhile, my job is to work for the public, to voice their concerns and to be a mediator between you and those who harshly criticize your decisions.

Thanks Isaac you keep it real when others won’t; the public deserves to know.

Danny

December 14, 2009 at 10:38 AM
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As a former Lobo sports reporter who was banished by Tim Cass (back in the ’90s when he was a media director or some such) solely for asking hard questions after a losing game, I applaud your tenacity in the work you’ve accomplished.

Tim

December 14, 2009 at 10:40 AM
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Isaac,

You post comments on this and the fire locks board to make it sound like other readers. Nice try.. You still suck!

You are a lame ass!

Isaac Pay No Attention to the Haters

December 14, 2009 at 10:48 AM
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I really enjoyed this article and for all those who did not, well “too bad so sad my lad.” Where is your sense of humor if you like that ___ The Red Menace writes you should love this…

Tom

December 14, 2009 at 10:59 AM
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Wow, you picked on the TRM? You go girl! OR should I saw comma freak!
I guess, I would like be known for following and being a Lobo sports fan and have a few spelling errors. Rather than a snot nosed little kid who knows nothing about sports who should be working for TMZ or Perez.

Student

December 14, 2009 at 11:12 AM
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Whatever Tim, Tom, Locksley we love reading what Isaac writes he is the MAN!

hahaha

December 14, 2009 at 11:22 AM
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HAHAHA, this is hilarious. I love that someone at the Daily Lobo is still able to have a sense of humor. All the other journalists are so bland and boooooooring! Keep up the good work! Because there are PLENTY of people that enjoy your humor and search for the truth, even if it has to end with a comical poke at all the corrupt administrators!

tim

December 14, 2009 at 11:30 AM
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Student:

Are you Isac’s gay lover? Keep sticking up for him!

Staffer

December 14, 2009 at 11:49 AM
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This article just reveals once again the complete incompetence of the UNM administrators.

tom

December 14, 2009 at 11:54 AM
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Isaac,

Thanks for the free The Red Menace plug! Now people can read TRM and get the truth of how well UNM athletics are actually doing!

Come check it out!

www.theredmenace.com

No TYPO's

December 14, 2009 at 12:06 PM
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Check Out This Web site and there are NO TYPO’s

Locksley has set the program back years.

http://fire-mike-locksley.com

Student Too

December 14, 2009 at 12:08 PM
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1-11 has that changed? No! Fire Locksley!

tim

December 14, 2009 at 1:48 PM
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How has Locksley set back the program back years?

Oh btw Isaac, I have looked at your stupid ass “fire-locks” page.. There are plenty of typos!

Hey journalism major, just a heads up; typo’s is a typo. Isaac you are an IDIOT!

TimTom

December 14, 2009 at 1:50 PM
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Tim and Tom are either both locksley because they can’t spell or they are the red menace ostrichs who have their heads buried in the sand. Isaac (yes, it’s spelled with two a’s not two s’s you morons), keep it up. You are a great investigative reporter and have a great career ahead of you.

tim

December 14, 2009 at 2:09 PM
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you're a bescumber

December 14, 2009 at 3:08 PM
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naughtypants

December 14, 2009 at 3:09 PM
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someone has been naughty, and it looks like the UNM ADMIN!

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