Are you looking for a frivolous Christmas gift to give a little brother or sister about to head off to college, or perhaps a significant other you don't really know so well? Or perhaps you are faced with an upcoming plane trip and already read this month's Cosmopolitan.
Well look no further, intrepid shopper, Simon Worman's "Joint Smoking Rules" or Anders Henriksson's "Non Campus Mentis" might fill that mindless literature void while offering at least 20 minutes or so of laughs each.
Don't expect any life lessons or revelations from these silly compendiums of anecdotes, but they both make for some amusing out-loud reading among friends or coworkers. "Rules" is a republishing of an old underground classic tome on how to roll, share and enjoy the perfect spliff, while "Non Campus" is a revised history of the world based on malapropisms on college exams - all sent to the author by professors.
"Rules" was originally self-published by Worman and sold at a grass-roots network of head shops and hemp rallies before being picked up by Pittsburgh-based publisher Telegraph this year. Aimed at expert stoners and novices alike, the book contains 75 rules germane to the smoking of marijuana - and a handy glossary in case you don't know what a pinner or a roach-clip is.
For instance:
Did you know that the proper way to pass a joint is with your hand cupped upward and around the fire and ashes? That's rule number 41 - if you don't follow it, you could drop the joint on the floor - a real buzz-kill.
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Other important rules: If you roll a joint, you have to help smoke it (rule 11), you must always smoke a joint until it's gone (rule 35) and if you want to smoke one, you have to be able to roll one (rule seven).
Semi-creepy hippie cartoon illustrations complement each rule.
Perhaps a book about smoking pot is a little too risquÇ for you. If your intended gift recipient stands a little higher in the ivory tower, "Non Campus" may be more up your alley.
Henriksson, a Shepherd College Professor, has culled the blue books and history papers of campuses nationwide to compile this mangled history of the western civilization, from the Stoned Age to the Canadian Missile Crisis to the Age of Now (that's modern times - the years since the olden days). Smug readers will delight in reading that the major cause of the Civil War is when slavery spread its ugly testicles across the West. Or that during World War II, the Allies landed near Italy's toe and gradually advanced up her leg, where they hoped to find "Musalini."
A few gems verbatim from exams:
"East and West made mends with each other. The Berlin Mall was removed. Many Eastern Europeans experienced a new form of arousal at this time."
Or, "The Parthenonon was Pericles' greatest erection."
And "The Civil Rights Movement turned around the corner with Martin Luther Junior's famous 'If I Had a Hammer' speech."
Amusing illustrations include many misnamed historical figures, as well as a map that includes Russia, the United States and Spain on one continent.
Readers who laugh glibly at one student's assertion that followers of "Judyism" worshipped one big God called "Yahoo" can test their own knowledge with the admittedly humbling "So You Think You're So Smart" quiz at the back of the book.
So there you have it - one-stop shopping. Both books are entertaining, though they appeal to different senses of humor. To be honest, I thought "Rules" was relatively moronic - Cheech and Chong funny - but the warmth of Worman's good-vibe writing redeems it. "Non Campus" is more my speed, but I'm embarrassed to admit that I've written plenty of answers to history exam questions when I haven't done the required reading that could put these to shame.
