Strange Back Alleys of the Internet Found by Entering Two Random Words into Google
Entry: Ultimate Ninja
www.realultimatepower.net.
I am almost certain this is some weird joke. At first glance, this Web site appears to be a professionally written, authoritative site on ninjas.
At second glance, this Web site appears to be a tribute to ninjas written by an overenthusiastic 10-year-old named Robert Hamburger. Hamburger clearly has A.D.D. and a good knowledge of HTML. Like many 10 year olds, he thinks all ninjas do is "flip out and kill people," while playing electric guitars and "porking hot babes." I swear this is true.
Here's the opening line of the site: "Hi, this site is all about ninjas, real ninjas. This site is awesome. My name is Robert and I can't stop thinking about ninjas. These guys are cool; and by cool, I mean totally sweet." As you read this, a bad midi version of "Big Pimpin'" by Jay Z starts playing.
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After this eloquent introduction, Hamburger goes on to list facts about ninjas: "1) Ninjas are mammals, 2) Ninjas fight all the time, 3) The purpose of the ninja is to flip out and kill people." Interestingly enough, Hamburger uses these same facts to talk about hippos in another part of his Web site. Again, this is all true.
It becomes apparent at this point that Hamburger lacks any realistic notions of the ancient art of Ninjitsu. His testimonial on ninjas is, "Ninjas can kill anyone they want! Ninjas cut off heads all the time and don't even think twice about it! I heard there was this ninja who was eating at a diner and when some dude dropped a spoon the ninja killed the whole town." Again, Hamburger also uses this exact same testimonial to talk about hippos by substituting the word "ninja," for "hippo."
Under his "Pump Up" sections there are several "movie scripts" for ninjas written by Hamburger himself. They are no longer than 100 words each and consist of, at most, two scenes. In each of these movies, ninjas kill people, save kings, get money and get laid while playing electric guitars and beating the crap out of pirates.
Unfortunately, there are no hippo stories with the same content, but I suspect this should be coming soon.
Scattered throughout the site there are a huge archives of mini-movies, pictures of ninjas and ninja sounds. There is not enough space in this article to even address these features.
Seppuku is the practice of honorable suicide when a Ninjitsu warrior is dishonored in some way. Used only in extreme cases, it is considered the last measure to die honorably. Hamburger describes Seppuku as "Seppuku is the ancient art of killing yourself if you get super pissed and can't find anybody else to kill. Ninjas use all sorts of crap to kill themselves -- guns, ropes, knives, lasers, spears, etc. -- and don't even think twice about it. These guys would kill themselves for just about any reason and often no reason at all. That's why there are so few ninjas today."
Hamburger goes on to lament that he has no access to lasers but has come up with a method of seppuku that involves swallowing a folded up Frisbee. He outlines the method step by step.
It goes without saying that Hamburger has no idea what he's talking about and neither does this article, nor does this Web site give any type of authorative information on the ancient, living martial art of Ninjitsu.
Still, his young, naive enthusiasm for violence is disarming. There are plenty of people though, who apparently don't see the innocent fun in this. There is an entire section of hate mail on the site, including many letters by people who actually practice ninjitsu. None are very amused.
This, coupled with information about the lawsuit against the site makes it all seems suspiciously perfect. My guess is that this site is not written by a 10-year-old, but rather by someone with any extremely ironic sense of humor.
Whether or not this site is genuinely pre-pubescent is a moot point as this is perhaps the greatest Web site ever written, ever. Surf now to www.realultimatepower.net if anything, to watch the mini-ninja chop off the businessman's head.
