by Andrew Price
Daily Lobo columnist
I'm jumping ship. No more Democrat or liberal bashing, no more endless conservative Republican rants, and no more urges to throw things when you read my columns.
I'm becoming one of you - I am now a liberal Democrat.
My sister and her husband will now declare victory, and quite possibly throw a party or something. But I'm not only just joining, I'm planning on being an active participant. To kick off, I've come up with a foolproof plan that will make us Democrats the dominant party in America.
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My plan is a little complicated, so you might want to grab a crayon and a tablet and take some notes. The first and most fundamental change that we are going to make is that we are actually going to stand for something and abandon our long-time strategy of being against everything. I'm not just talking about the lip service we have always given - I'm talking about really standing for something. We have always pretended to be for the people, so let's go with that. You can't get much more fundamental than being the people's party.
We have always been bottom-up, or grass-roots, fund-raisers, but unfortunately, we have been top down as far as the policies and politics we have claimed to stand for. Our leaders have been so far removed from the everyday person, it's no wonder we have so much trouble being successful. Since we are now grassroots, we are going to build up from our neighborhoods, our districts, our cities, our states and finally our country, and we are going to elect the people who best represent us personally in each respective venue.
We are going to make them explain exactly what is in it for us individually if they are elected and what will it cost us. As Socrates taught, sane people will always act in their best interest in the end. We, being the people's party, are going to assume people are sane and know what's in their best interest. The decision made by the majority of individuals acting in their best interest is, by definition, in the best interest of the whole - put a little crayon star by that point. No longer will the so-called elite pat us, the people, on the head and tell us what is best for us. We are going to abandon the soft bigotry of low expectations that our former leaders practiced. We are going to be represented by the people who best represent us personally, not ambitious professional politicians. If I'm from New York, I want to be represented by someone from New York, not from California or Arkansas or wherever.
We are going to truly separate religion from government. This includes earth and animal worshippers. If we want to sit on leather chairs and eat fried chicken, we are damn well going to do it. If there is any credible non-faith-based evidence that the tales of impending doom being preached by earth worshippers are true, then of course we will follow our best interests and go with their suggestions.
Until then, let's drill for oil on our own property and build regional refineries for gasoline. Do we really need 40 different blends of regular unleaded? They say unrefined gas will kill sea turtles and the like, and I love sea turtles as much or more than the next guy, but I am not so arrogant as to think that anything that I do will destroy them. After all, they are pretty tough, and have been around a lot longer than us. Isn't it more dangerous for us to try and control natural selection and the survival of the fittest?
Finally, since we are only going to elect officials at all levels that we believe are going to act in our individual best interest, we need to unsubscribe to all polling companies and fire the publicists. We don't need them anymore. We can dismantle the political war room, because our representatives will be so busy doing stuff for us that there will no longer be the need for their failed partisan schemings.
Also, when we enter into political debates, we will first find out if the person with whom we are debating is an American citizen and if they are registered to vote. Frankly, if he or she is a non-citizen or not registered to vote, they are too irresponsible to have a credible opinion.
If my fellow Democrats will just follow my simple plan, I know it will change the world.
