Column: It's a dog-eat-dog world

by James Stambaugh

Daily Lobo columnist

Most, if not all, of the world's social and political problems can be solved by the common household dog. Those loyal and furry pets have the potential to eradicate world hunger, bring about peace in the Middle East and bring every religious group together.

In the tradition of Lassie, fearlessly risking life and limb to save that silly little boy from drowning in the lake, I believe our canine companions could be the saviors of the human race. To understand the reasons I believe this, we must first investigate the fascinating economics of the dog food industry.

I'm sure most people have already perused the latest edition of "Good Dog! An Online Magazine for Dogs," in which they must have enjoyed reading the stimulating article titled "The Cutting Edge of Dog Food Technology." But just in case anyone out there missed it, I'll give a quick synopsis. In this quality piece of journalism, several veterinarians spent over 2,500 words to expound the newest technological advances in the field of doggy diet.

If you didn't know, the hottest thing in dog food today is, well, two words: fatty acids. If your dog food doesn't have them, you simply aren't keeping up with the latest pet food fashions. Think of the ridicule your beloved mutt will receive from his buddies at the kennel.

I was surprised to find that the American dog and cat food industry pulls in $9.7 billion in sales per year. That's three times the national revenue of Sudan - where they could use any kind of food.

I was beginning to wonder how these pet food companies were making so much money off food you give to your dog, when I took a peek down the pet food aisle of the grocery store. I found a veritable wonderland of avant-garde pet foods. They have everything from diet chow for your overweight chihuahua to special food souped up with an ingredient called omega-6, which is apparently vital to the prevention of your miniature schnauzer's eminent cardiopulmonary arrest.

Just think of the good things we could do with $9.7 billion. We could buy several - maybe a dozen - gallons of gas. We could give it to Pat Robertson on the condition that he never opens his big mouth again. We could feed starving children in the Third World or free teenage sex slaves in Thailand. Or we could feed our dogs diet Puppy Chow for overweight puppies with hemorrhoids and hormone-enriched dog food specially formulated for the mature female dog experiencing menopause.

This raises a bigger question: Why do we need dogs? If your neighbor was starving and about to die and you had a cow in you back yard waiting to be slaughtered, wouldn't you feed your neighbor? Don't you think he would eat it, even if he were a vegetarian? Conscientious, progressive Americans need to realize that we have a food source in our own backyards that can eradicate world hunger here and now. That foodstuff is the dog meat of America.

You must know that people in Third World countries often eat them anyway, and the advantage of letting them eat our dogs is that we've spent thousands of dollars in veterinary bills making sure they're relatively disease-free, ensuring better heath and hygiene for millions worldwide who are literally dying for a chance to sink their teeth into just about anything.

I know in the utopian world of Lassie and Old Yeller, man is not supposed to eat his best friend. But this is the real world, in which, if you happened to be a member of a remote cannibalistic tribe in Papua New Guinea, you might just consider eating your best friend, canine, human or otherwise.

I can imagine my outline for the elimination of world hunger might be unsettling to some. Most readers will realize I'm just kidding - sort of. But when it comes down to it, people are dying while we live in relative luxury and feed our corpulent dogs vitamin-infused, hair-shining gourmet dog food puree. We all could be doing more to help our fellow humans - maybe not by sacrificing our pets, but by sacrificing something.

It seems to me if people care more for the comfort of dogs, whales, wolves and buffalo than the survival of other human beings, they're not animal lovers - they're just animals.