Last week, researchers from the University of New Mexico’s sports medicine department and the United States Central Intelligence Agency announced they had designated Lobo men’s basketball guard Deyton Albury’s glasses an “extraterrestrial artifact” and “threat to humanity.”
Albury, a senior who transferred last season from Utah State University, has been wearing the “glasses” since suffering an eye injury before the end of the regular season.
UNM students and staff tell the Daily Lobo that Albury has been seen wearing the glasses constantly, including at La Posada Dining Hall, more than one dimly-lit party off-campus and even to bed, where sources say he has been heard murmuring in various languages while he sleeps.
“Salve Knull, rex Klyntar, gloriosum eius consilium in Terra manu mea perficietur. Amen,” Albury said, per a recording obtained by the Daily Lobo.
Sources agreed to speak to the Daily Lobo on condition of anonymity, for fear of retaliation by the glasses.
“I mean, don’t get me wrong, they’re pretty sick,” an anonymous Pit attendee said. “I haven’t seen this much aura from a hooper in glasses since maybe Kareem (Abdul-Jabbar), but I swear last week at the SUB, I was behind him in line at Subway and I saw them wrap all the way around his head like Venom.”
In his first game appearance with the glasses, Albury drained a season-high 22 points against the Colorado State University Rams, but some say the scorer’s symbiote isn’t always benevolent.
Another student said that while walking past the Duck Pond late at night, they were discussing the Lobos’ starting lineup aloud with a friend. After indicating they believed Albury’s spot would be better filled by guard Tajavis Miller for the Mountain West Tournament, the student saw Albury “emerge from the darkness” 20 feet ahead of them, seemingly led by the glasses, they said.
According to the student, within seconds of spotting Albury, they found themselves knocked into the water by some unknown force. By the time they had swam to shore, the 6-foot-3 senior was nowhere to be found.
“I can’t prove it was him or the glasses, but hey, he definitely got his point across,” the student said. “I guess I should be more shaken by it all, but I’ve been binging new episodes of ‘Invincible’ lately, so I guess the whole superpowers thing has kinda lost its oomph for me.”
CIA Special Agent Tommy Lee Jones implored the public to stay calm during a news conference for the media and local law enforcement, where they began to refer to the glasses as “Subject #252.”
“Our spec ops team has yet to track Mr. Albury down, despite repeated attempts at capture and containment, but we believe there to be an extremely high chance that he will show up for the NIT semis in Indianapolis,” McFarlane said, telling the crowd that they “would be ready” before revealing an image of the large glass bowl agents planned to trap Albury in during the game by dropping it from the rafters.
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Elliott Wood is the news editor for the Daily Lobo. He can be reached at news@dailylobo.com or @DailyLobo on X
